Married 2.5 years and this has been the most difficult time of my life. This is my second marriage and honestly I wish I stayed married to my first husband of 8 years because even though we had our issues and the passion was gone he was a genuinely nice person. We fought less in that 8 year marriage then I have in the last 2.5 years. We also have 2 beautiful 10 and 12 year old girls we very kindly and equitably share custody of. My new husband 46yo is Sicilian and doesn’t seem to like women much. Tells me to shut up often. Has called me profanities “b and c”. Told me I’m crazy like all women and need to get therapy. If he’s angry at me will withhold affection and intimacy for weeks. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. My stress level is always 6-9/10. I’m not crazy. I don’t start fights or enjoy drama. But I do feel like I have to fight to get normal things that 99% of men give their wives anyway. For example, we have a 1 year old and I’m working part time from home 20 hours per week (accountant). Husband still expects me to pay for all the same things that I did before we had a baby. I pay $1,000 per month for food and household essentials and do all shopping and cooking. Plus I have to pay for my personal expenses such as cell phone, car expenses, personal items, clothes for older kids etc. I asked husband to help me financially and he refuses. Last year I made 30k and he made 93k. He pays for mortgage and utilities, health insurance and for his cars. However we have a small 80k mortgage so the payment is only $600 per month. So our expenses are pretty even; we each spend about $1,500 per month total except he makes 3x what I do. He refuses to have a joint account with me or even a joint credit card. When I buy diapers or baby clothes he expects me to tell him how much I spent and he will hand me cash. I told him I feel this is demeaning and that we should at least have a joint credit card and he screams at me or tells me to shut up or doesn’t talk to me for a week every time I bring it up. Then I asked if he could just take something off my plate like pay my car insurance and he refuses. I was shocked recently because he said he wanted to buy land and asked me to use my inheritance money from my mother to help purchase it. This 60k is the only savings I have and is my only way out if I do need to move out and pay for rent/food etc. Its also all invested and I don’t want to touch it right now. We live in an expensive area and it would not be easy to afford rent and expenses plus childcare. I’m waiting for a spot in a daycare to open up when my son turns two this Winter. Until he’s in daycare I can’t work full time and there’s a shortage of daycare options for under 2 in my area. So I’m stuck for now. Of course I didn’t say that, I just told him I’m not comfortable making long term plans with him until we can work on our marriage. I’ve asked husband to please be nicer to me and he tells me to shut up. He won’t do counseling. This is his first marriage and he’s extremely hostile, critical and avoidant. He works a LOT and often doesn’t see our baby for days because he comes home after his bedtime. He basically showers and eats and goes to bed. No energy for sex. I have wondered if he’s having an affair because of his work hours and how mean he is but when I asked he screamed at me and said how can he sleep with a woman when he’s dirty and smelly from working all day (construction manager). He brags incessantly about how he’s the best in his field and all his clients love him and I think yeah that’s because you put them above your own family. He loves the attention and being the best and seems to thrive off of it. Meanwhile I’m working 20 hours a week, full time caring for baby and financially struggling to pay my bills and having to watch every cent. This is not how I expected my life to be at 41. I’m very depressed and feel trapped and that if I move out my financial situation will be even worse. Divorce attorney told me it could be a year before courts would award child support and my husband is so controlling and mean that I’m afraid of how nasty the divorce will be. Especially since I will want primary custody given that he’s never home and is, i am wondering, a narcissist? My goal is to find childcare, start working full time and then save and plan for a move. But every weekend and evening is so tense and I’m so stressed I have been feeling depressed and suicidal. I’m also lonely being at home with baby and feel like a fool, as soon I will be a 42 year old woman with a 2 year old living in some sad apartment complex with 2 divorces and three kids under my belt. Again, not how I expected my life to turn out. I’ve been trying so hard to make this marriage work. I do love my husband although I’m hard pressed to write a list of good things about him other than he’s a hard worker and takes care of the house.
5 comments
He is abusive. Stone walling and name calling is abuse. You might as well be alone because you’re doing everything on your own anyway. He isn’t stepping up and being a man. Especially with children involved, they’re going to see this and think that this is okay in their own relationships. I would not tell him your plan, act like all is fine, get a lawyer, move and divorce papers. It could very well be a nasty divorce. Hang in there. You can do this.
Fool or not, 42 or 22, 3 kids or 30 kids – you’re here.
Now get out.
Honey, big huge comforting hugs to you.
This man is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I don’t throw those labels around lightly.
But even if he didn’t, he would still be an emotionally unavailable, critical, deeply lacking generosity or empathy, and unkind. This is not someone who even has the capacity to be in a relationship. It’s no wonder this is his first one. On just these facts alone you should leave him.
But more importantly, he is wildly inappropriate to have in your children’s life. Every second you are with him, your children are absorbing his abusive selfish qualities.
I want you to do yourself the immense favor of consulting with a divorce attorney. And then I want you to throw yourself at the mercy of your ex husband, family, and friends. Ask for help. This is untenable. It’s okay to feel scared or ashamed. But courage is acting anyway. Save yourself, dear friend. A year from now you might be broke, but you won’t be broken.
Are your children witnessing his abuse towards you? This situation is not safe for them.
Divorce him and take him to the cleaners. He’s going to owe large amounts of child support and alimony.