I have been trying to figure out the best way to explain this friendship & I still don’t know how to fully but I’m going to try again because I would like to get thoughts/opinions/advice.
I (31F) have a friend (32F) who I have been friends with since childhood but have had a rocky relationship with in our adult years. The first big fall out we had lasted for 8 years, after high school. I was fine with never speaking again but she kept reaching out to me, usually through my family, trying to reconnect most of that time. A lot of times I would just wish her well & go on my way. I wish I had kept it that way but I finally tried again with her a few years ago. Since then, we’ve had smaller fall outs for about months at a time. A few things she does that has caused these fallouts:
1. Lies about any and everything. Pregnancies, abuse, the amount she spends on things, literally any and everything.
2. Is very negative. Always talking bad about people and the way they look. Always arguing with her family and wishing death on them, however, when some of them have actually passed, she demands sympathy and milks it.
3. Obsessed with social media. Posts any and everything for attention. If she has a problem with someone or something, Facebook will know before they do as she will subliminally make posts about them.
4. Obsessed with men/sex. Could literally talk about them for 24 hours straight.
I am very big on communication so I have expressed most of this to her but it’s exhausting. She will try to correct or fix it temporarily and then always goes back to her ways. She also doesn’t know how deep I know some of her lies go as I do not always address everything.
I try to distance myself from her, but it never works. When she feels me pulling away, she plays the sympathy card .. Someone is dying or sick or she’s really depressed or something is wrong with her kids. If I don’t react the way she wants, then I come across as a bad person. I just know some of her friends who don’t know her or me as well think of me as a terrible person & that bothers me too. I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. It’s hard too because EVERYONE associates me with her since we have been friends so long & she drags the narrative that we have an amazing relationship. I love her and I know she loves me but it is EXHAUSTING.
What are some things I can do to do distance myself? Detach? I wish I could actually talk to some of you in person about this, lol, so you’d know how complicated it is. If there is anything I can expand on, please let me know.
TL;DR: Have a had friend for 20+ years. She gives me headaches/stress and when so end things she doesn’t leave me alone and let things just die. How do I detach/distance without breaking her heart
2 comments
This might sound lazy but, just plainly ignore her or say you are busy, do it until she herself get tired. If you really want her out of your life , do so. Sometimes is that simple.
You have to be direct. To the point. But still short and sweet. Without dragging out the many years of wrong-doings that you feel she has done. In doing so, you already know you run the risk of being drug through the mud, gossiped about with others, lied about, etc. She could just be a bad person with bad or no role models in her life. Or, she could be deeply troubled because of trauma, substance abuse, or mood/ emotional disorders. Or many reasons combined. You likely have a hunch. But, you have to weigh what is most important to you even with the risks involved. And, it seems you most value being free from her. You already know the fade-out doesn’t work. Ghosting is cruel and would likely yield the same results. So, you have to explain it to her in a succinct way. Something like…
“We have known each other for a long time. At one point, we had to have distance from each other. And, then I agreed to reconnect. However, many of the same issues and differences in our approaches and personalities have made it clear to me that it was likely best that we not remain as close as we once were. I must focus on other things going on in my life right now, and I have to apply all of my energy to those things. If and when I’m ready to reconnect, I will reach out to you, but I won’t be able to respond and stay connected in the way you’ve wanted to do before and just recently. I know you have had struggles and difficulties, and I know you need a support system and help. I hope you find that and receive that, but I cannot be that for you at this time. I do wish you the best, and I hope you understand.” (The part about your connection going forward may even be said too softly here. You may need to edit to tell her you won’t be remaining in contact if you feel she won’t get what you’re telling her.)
You can even put this in writing to her, if you’d prefer that instead of telling her so she can re-read parts of it and remind herself of what you said, if needed. But, that might leave you open to even more criticism. Again, it just depends on what you most want or what you most want to avoid.
Either way, you have to go to those family members and mutual connections who she reached out to before to get to you, and you should tell them exactly what you’d prefer they write or say if she repeats the same tactics. And, then move on from there. If she insists, it may require you to repeat your main points to her more clearly and bluntly each time. But, by the time you do it a few times, she will see you are being consistent in your message and not going to change… therefore, there is no use for her to be continuing to try. (And, if she continues after you have been crystal clear – super-blunt – a few times (maybe even with a witness or recording), then you may have to go the legal route.)
Life is short. Time and energy are precious resources. Every time you choose to include certain people and activities in your life, you leave less time and energy for the priorities. Don’t be afraid or hesitant to make the choices you want… what you want to bring into your life and what you want to remove.