M37/F32
I’ve been on vacation with my family in a different country and my partner back home has been a mess. He gets upset and mad if we don’t talk at a specific time and has taken my family time as a sign that I plan on breaking up with him. He’s been drinking everyday since I’ve been gone. He’s cried. He’s constantly asked if I was going to break up with him when I get home. He’s gotten upset that I’ve been spending time with my family (that I haven’t seen in a year). His self esteem is so low. He makes me feel like crap if I don’t talk or answer his questions. Last night, he drove off, intoxicated, and messaging me that made me almost calling family members because I was worried about his state of mind. Also, his daughter called me, crying, begging me not to break up with her dad. I don’t know what to do when I get back. My family is upset that he’s been making me upset. So I’m debating on what to do when I return. Is this healthy? I am having someone else pick me up at the airport. I don’t know what to do.

33 comments

  1. I’d dump him. He’s been incredibly selfish and guilting you into feeling bad for not been there for him. He sounds like a juvenile not a 37yr old.

  2. IMO, you know what to do. You don’t want to do it. M37 is too needy. He turns to alcohol when he is stressed, which suggests that he will consume more as time goes on. As painful as it may seem, moving on is what needs to be done. My thoughts. Your decision. Life with him is never going to be any better than it is now.

  3. He is manipulating you.

    Right now this is toxic behaviour. He is emotionally manipulating you into doing exactly what he wants and being only available for him.

    Think about it this way- you have not seen your family for a year, **you** need them and *you* need this. And what is his main concern? Is it for you and your needs? Has he shown any evidence of spending even one minute caring about you and your needs?

    From your post, it appears he has spent this entire time trying to scare you and blackmail you away from something that is making you happy so you can meet his needs. And he doesn’t actually *need* you. He just doesn’t like not having you and feeling like you have relationships other than with him.

    Not saying this isn’t fixable; if this is an isolated incident in your relationship then you can maybe talk it out and, if he is willing to self reflect, he may be able to change this.

    But if this is something that has happened before or multiple times in your relationship, then you have a toxic relationship on your hands. And when that is the case, you have a choice; lead a toxic life or get out

  4. Giiiiirl. That level of clingy manipulation is bad at any relationship stage but two and a half months??

  5. order a wellness check for him, maybe he could get hospitalized if he is so dangerous at least to himself (if not others, by driving drunk).

  6. If you’re here questioning it, big chance he’s a pro gaslighter ooh i was married to a crazy woman like this, they’re so good at it, you end up questioning reality you just sit there trying to solve for Y and the only acceptable answer to them is that it’s your fault

  7. This isnt a relationship and it isnt healthy. You know this but need strangers to confirm it to you. You deserve so.much better than this. Walk away and dont listen to the controlling sob stories

  8. he have really low self-esteem and probably have emotional dependence on you.
    i would be careful bc he is clearly manipulating you to immediately go back home.

  9. Jesus, this is like my “boyfriend” in 6th grade, except you’re not 12.
    This sounds terribly unhealthy, especially for such a short relationship, and the age of those involved. He’s drinking, and driving, and getting his kid involved in this mess. God, that poor kid!!
    I’d be so done, and know what else, I wouldn’t even tell him.

  10. Not healthy in the least! Break up and tell him if he insists on acting crazy over it, you’ll call medical professionals. This is not your job!

  11. Your man is totally insane. This is extremely toxic and fucked up. He probably has serious mental health issues and it’s unfair he’s projecting them onto you whilst on a family holiday. Run away before it becomes more intense and you’re trapped with him out of pity.

  12. First, outta the gate, this is not a healthy relationship. His childish behavior will eventually wear you down & you’ll want to distance yourself from him. Marriage will be a nightmare.

  14. It is not healthy for him to be in the mental state. Tell him to hang out with his friends. If he doesn’t have any (which I suspect) he needs to have a social life outside of your relationship or else he will hinge all his free time planning around your schedule.

    This guy sounds he is a hot mess before you met him. Sit down with him and tell him he needs help and that he needs to work on himself.

  17. My ex was like this, the best thing I ever did was leave him. He became so possessive, toxic and controlling to the point where I couldn’t even holiday or hang out with family.

  18. I read your comment about only had been dating for a short amount of time and I would say, break up. This is incredibly concerning behaviour so early on. He sounds incredibly selfish and insecure

  20. This is how it starts – “I need you,” “don’t leave me,” and very quickly it becomes, “you can’t go there,” “you can’t see them.” – get the heck outta there!

  22. That is not healthy, also 2.5 months & he’s being this controlling. Sorry but these are red flags I’d leave. If you had been together years or are really wanting to stay with him you can have a talk with him but I’d seriously consider leaving him.

  23. No, that’s bonkers. You must leave this guy. Those sorts of behaviors suggest deep seated problems. Love bombing you with expensive gifts when together, breaking down when you are apart? And you are only 2.5 months in?

    Understand, when you do pull the plug he’s probably going to act REALLY crazy. That’s why his daughter is concerned. Maybe suicide threats, or other nonsense. NONE of this is your problem. Any sign of this, call the police to check on him, and his family. Their responsibility not yours.

  25. He’s doing this to ensure you don’t ever go away with your family again – if you stay with him, you might miss the trip next time because you’ll remember how much he spoilt it this time. You’ve been together 2 and a half months, if you think this behaviour will end here, you’re wrong. Cut ties and move on.

  28. Why are you even questioning if this is healthy? It’s obviously not. This guy is being manipulative and immature. And I saw you’ve only been dating 2 months? Open your eyes hun.

    Get out now.

  29. He needs professional help with (1) his drinking (2) his esteem issues (3) and whatever control issues he has with relations. He can’t have a healthy relationship with you until and unless he resolves his own issues with himself. (the control issues sound like Daddy issues, while communication issues are usually a sign of Mommy issues. he has twice as much work to do on his side first. if he can stabilize his own situation, that is a good sign he is serious and mature enough to handle responsibilities of a relationship with others.) NOTE: If he relies on you for support, use that only “as a friend” to encourage him to take the steps necessary for counseling him through the steps he needs to take. He cannot lean on you as a substitute, but it is common for people to need affirmation and encouragement from FRIENDS to work on themselves and their parental issues that prevent them from growing in healthy relations.

  32. I had a realtionship like this when I was 15/16 it was awful break up with him.

  33. > he drove off, intoxicated,

    You do NOT want to be mixed up with an alcoholic.

    >Is this healthy?

    Nope.

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