The woman I’m dating used to date a much older married man in the past. She knew he was married the entire time, she even knew his kids.
She only told me about this after things started to get serious between us.
I don’t know what to do. She seems very kind and intelligent besides this. I like her and it seems like we were made for each other but I cannot look past this thing, I just cannot deal with the lack of integrity.
Every time I think about this I feel sick and I imagine that could have been my father.
What can I do about this?
33 comments
You need to decide if you can get over it and if you can’t then end it, you can’t change her past. I understand that you are having a hard time getting past this as it shows a real lack of any moral value. I have no use for cheaters and knowing that he was married just shows what kind of person she is even if you get along really well.
Does she show any remorse for her actions. If so, and it appears genuine. That would only way I would even consider working past it. If she is not remorseful she sees nothing wrong with cheating, which increases the chances she would cheat on you.
I agree with you, being involved in someone’s marriage is unforgivable and I wouldn’t be able to look at my partner as an equal if they had done something like that. For that reason I would take a step back from the relationship
OP, you said in another comment that she used “the marriage was already destroyed when they started dating” as her “very poor excuse.”
Every relationship has its ups and downs. Given the information you have now, can you really trust this person to stay faithful when times get tough?
It’s possible that he was stringing her along with promises of leaving his wife or initial lies that they were on a break/soon to be divorced. Even if that’s not the case, sometimes you end up picking the wrong person. If she’s grown from that experience, I don’t see why it needs to impact your relationship.
Shows her character. She’s obviously going to say she regrets it, even if she doesn’t mean it.
Takes a certain type of person that would do that, especially knowing children are involved.
Only you know if she’s trustworthy. Personally, that’d be a dealbreaker for me.
I read somewhere that the signs we see from the beginning and choose to ignore are the same things that would make us leave later. You can choose to leave now while you’ve not emotionally invested yourself in a relationship with her or later when things become complicated but from your perspective her past is a problem for you.
That’s a 10 year difference, give or take from then until now. Certainly enough time to be a better person and not make the same choices. Now, with that being said, you also know she is capable of making those kinds of choices. You can definitely give her a fair chance, but now you know if any future red flags come up, to take a serious look at them and don’t try to explain them away just because feeling are involved.
People with no morals shoud go with people with no morals
If you cannot deal with it, then break up. There is no point wasting her time. What is your goal here?
There is plenty of people who won’t care.
Her, At 24 figuring things out with other men very much of age and above . There is consent and only volunteers . It’s sucks for his wife but to expect a 24 year old girl to be to blame for someone’s marriage falling apart is a little ridiculous. Is this really something to overthink? She chose to share that with you, I think that shows sign of maturity. I don’t know any perfect humans.it’s only what’s perfect for each one of us as we all have different preferences. Don’t waste her time if this is a dealbreaker for you. She will find someone that loves her for who she is Please don’t continue seeing her if you’re going to judge
Honestly only you can decide. I would probably not want to be with someone who was ok with dating an older married man. If she had been 18 or 20 I would think she was so young she was manipulated or was immature, but at 24 she knew what she was doing.
Only you can decide if this is something you can get past or not.
You sound like a genuine stand up man, follow your gut and continue to act respectably and you’ll be fine.
If it was me I’d proceed with caution, and see if this is still the person she is or if she’s really grown past such things
The amount of people defending her astounds me! Unless she was 100% certain that they were completely separated she is just as much to blame as the married man. He may have lead her on saying they were split when really they weren’t as many have done before but it’s still a shitty situation to enter into.
Speaking from experience past actions are a good indication of future behavior. I know someone who was falling for a guy who was in a relationship, made “friends” with his gf, broke every respect boundary known to man and the second the couple split she was in their as the new gf. Her motto was “love is love”. Which is complete crap in my opinion. If someone you have feelings for is in a relationship (if it’s strong or on the rocks doesn’t matter) mind your own damn business. It doesn’t need your imput as the “other” person. Wait until they are single if its rocky and go in with a clear conscience. If they are strong then stay out of it.
Sorry that was a rant but OP if I was you I’d make the decision now, do you want to get involved or not? If her actions don’t line up with your morals I think you’re best to jump ship because there will always be that bit of doubt in your mind about her and if she is being truthful or if she’ll do something like this. If ye hit a rough patch is she going to start looking elsewhere?
Honestly i think you should follow your gut. You definitely don’t trust her to some point . If you feel you can’t date someone who did all that she did then just don’t . If you feel she is made for you then go for it. Start over , it was her past right . No one is perfect … I’m not saying what she did was okay but if she is remorseful then why not?.
You’re making a moral judgment. After 4 dates you absolutely should know you cannot see her anymore. Your hesitation says she is not for you. And, she doesn’t deserve your judgment. Feel free to tell her you don’t have as much in common as you hoped. And move on.
She knowingly participated in cheating. I wouldn’t plan a future with her.
But that’s me, you have to make your decision.
If you don’t like it then move on 💁 guessing that’s why she told you so early on so you could make a decision before things go further and feelings get involved.
10 years is a long time and she didn’t cheat on anyone in the first place, she didn’t have a wife or kids, she was a single woman, it’s not her place to be blamed for his decision.
I mean that’s a good sign she told you about it unprompted. I’d tell her your honest feelings.
“When I think about what you said, it makes me really upset and uncomfortable, but I do like you and want to keep seeing you. Let’s see where this goes.”
I have a rule about people: how someone treats other people is eventually how they will treat you. She clearly has no problems being a home wrecker. She had no sympathy for that man’s wife or children and no issues with his lack of morals in his own relationship. Don’t be shocked if she treats you the same way when things get tough between you (as they always do in relationships) or when she’s bored. If you proceed in the relationship, know it’s an “eyes wide shut” kind of thing.
It’s a red flag for me
When I was in my 20s I had an affair with a married man. I am now in my 40s, happily married, and would never dream of cheating. Even if I were single I would never be with a married man again. It was a massive mistake and I have grown and matured as a person. I’m ashamed of my behavior, but I am not that person any more.
If she is remorseful, give her a chance. She told you pretty early on, that’s a good sign.
I don’t think I’d be able to handle this.
It shows a big lack of integrity, and our morals and values just wouldn’t mix well.
Drop her
Nothing is more embarrassing than dating a woman who used to be a side chick just leave bro
The fact that you came on here to ask us, means you know what to do. There are plenty of fish in the sea bro
NTA, if this crossed a boundary for you, break things off. You will never be the AH for breaking up with someone that doesn’t make you feel comfortable.
Move on. You speak as if there aren’t literally MILLIONS of females with even a smidgen more integrity.
To me, personally, this shows a lack of respect for marriage. I would have a huge issue being in a relationship with someone who crossed this boundary.
It is up to you, what does this say to you about how she honors marriage? If you can handle it, you can stay with her, otherwise, it’s time to leave.
That’s a huge moral shortcoming… I’d move on. She actively chose to be a mistress.
But it wasn’t ur father tho. Live and let live.
It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. I would trust your gut.
Eh I know people change but usually from what I’ve seen it isn’t likely. She’s clearly selfish if she knew and I wouldn’t personally take someone like that serious. I feel she’d do something similar to her partner.