My childhood memories are of nothing but sitting beneath the bleachers for my brothers sporting events. My parents used me as their #1 servant for all of their events whether it be sports banquets, grad parties, weddings, fiancée bridal showers, you name it, I was the one sitting through 8 hour commencements and month long party preps and putting together slideshows and being enslaved by my narc abusive mother to put on the greatest celebrations on earth for the golden children. And when it came time for my milestones, my achievements, my sporting events, my graduation, no one lifted a finger. I graduated undergrad in May and my oldest brother(M28) nor his wife even gave a damn to try to show up. The middle child brother (M25) and his fiancée did make the effort however I was rushed out of my own graduation because of how miserable it was for them to be there supporting me for once. They only showed up so that I would continue supporting them for their upcoming wedding (again, putting on elaborate bridal shower for the fiancee, making slideshow for the rehearsal dinner, etc). And they were complaining about having to be there and patronizing me out of my own fucking accomplishment. I just want them to feel how I feel for once. To be overlooked, neglected, forced to be the #1 cheerleader and servant for their celebrations and milestones fully knowing I won’t get a fraction of the same support back. This makes me feel incredibly depressed knowing my existence simply doesn’t matter to them. I carry so much anger and resentment, and I don’t know what to do with it. I want them to feel how I feel but I don’t knnow how. Help
TLDR; always forced to be #1 cheerleader/supporter for my brothers’ lives when they don’t care to support me and my achievements at all
15 comments
One sucky thing to learn as we get older is that what is important to us isn’t necessarily important to others.
Your brothers may simply not feel ‘cheerleading’ aka emotionally supporting milestones to be important. Unfortunately this could especially be the case because they’re older so mentally moved on from those life points (eg in my mid 30s I now don’t think finishing highschool is any kind of significant achievement for a healthy/typical kid and grade school ‘graduation’ is a joke — I wouldn’t tell kids this to their face, I’m just giving a different view).
Another way of looking at it: were you specifically asked to support them or just decided on your own it was important?
Another example: I love Christmas. Think family photos and gifts and decorating are important. I think it’s a time of hopefulness and thinking of others and family. My mum and sister simply *don’t* care about Christmas. They find it stressful and annoying and silly. It saddens me no end they don’t share my excitement and are even resentful when I do things like push for photos, but I have to also see their side and I now try to only push for a ‘big’ Christmas every 3 years or so.
You can be angry, but it’s important to check in with whether they know you think you did a service to begin with.
You’re not going to change them. You’re not going to teach them a lesson, make them realize your pain, get them to acknowledge things. There will be no cathartic moment and if you are trying to get that, you will never be happy.
What you need to do is ask yourself why you continue to try with them. You can choose not to do these things. You already know your mom is the way she is. Unless you are financially dependent on any of these people, you can CHOOSE to not help. CHOOSE to maybe not be in contact at all! You don’t owe them your continued presence.
You can stop and put that energy into other things.
Match their energy. Stop showing up for them and stop inviting them to your stuff. Don’t discuss your achievements with people who don’t care about them. If they ask, just reference your graduation and say, out of concern for their comfort, you won’t be inviting them to anything or talking to them about anything.
And you need to become too busy to show up for them. Seriously. Stop showing up for them. New hobbies, new friends, or hell, just say “nah”. Don’t be hostile with your rejection of them. You gotta be bored and uninterested. MATCH THEIR ENERGY. The servant is emancipated. Take a day or two to answer messages. Stop liking their social media posts. Be aloof and distant. The more you inoculate yourself from them, the less they can hurt you.
A great way to get back at somebody is to live your life excellently. That anger and resentment will only serve to hurt you in the long run. Focus on your own personal life goals.
Go to r/MomForAMinute or r/DadForAMinute, tell them you graduated , soak up the love ! You deserve to be celebrated, put your energy into people who will do that.
>This makes me feel incredibly depressed knowing my existence simply doesn’t matter to them. I carry so much anger and resentment, and I don’t know what to do with it. I want them to feel how I feel but I don’t knnow how.
I would definitely suggest therapy to unpack the whole family dynamic. Your mother and father have bother treated you badly. If your brothers dont celebrate you, it’s because your parents have taught them that it’s not important to do so.
What I would suggest is that you reach out to extended family if you have them. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Share your graduation news with them. Keep in touch with them. And then go out and build a “found family” and stay low contact or no contact with your immediate family.
Drop out of helping any more your brother’s wedding. Attend as a guest, for sure (connect with extended family). But don’t agree to be in the wedding party or do anything more than what you’ve already committed to.
It will be difficult at first, but you have to start standing up for yourself. No one else in your family is going to.
Stop doing all these things for your family. Moving several states away would be a good idea. Moving internationally for a job would be even better. Distance is your friend, and the more you have the better.
Enforce boundaries. Stop being so present in their lives when it takes more out of you.
Don’t ghost them. Of course not. Family events and such make sense.
But stop going out of your way for them. They’ll either notice the change or they won’t – I can’t decide which of those is worse.
Surround yourself by people who give good energy back to you
It’s very common for families to have an unspoken assumption that women are the producers of special events/”the glue” of the family. Even superficially progressive families.
It’s tough but I think you need to decide what you’re willing to do and stick with it. I suggest putting forth the same effort, but be prepared for it to blow up with you made out to be the bad guy.
Sounds like your family is quite sexist.
Tell your parents how you feel. Write them a letter if you want. Tell them what you want changed. Work through the conflict and discomfort. This is what it means to be an adult. Being passive aggressive, not saying anything, is immature behavior.
Then, build your own community. You’re at risk of a bad boyfriend right now because you’re craving any sort of validation or attention – be careful. Join some new campus or in person activities where you can meet other people and stay away from men over 25 who want to be friends.
Why are you still chasing their approval? You’re a grown ass woman.
Please get yourself a copy of “The Disease To Please” by Dr. Harriet Braiker so you can learn how to stop begging for the approval of people who don’t care.
There is a word you need to learn to vocalize. That word is, NO. Say NO to being treated like crap. Say NO to being used. Say NO to continuing to help. You do not need to be involved with anything. You need to live your life and surround yourself with people who love and value you as a person and not a servant. Tell your family you are no longer going to be their yes girl. They have to start fending for themselves because it is time you become your own cheerleader. Because you know you can’t depend on them to be, and you’ve already wasted too much time on them. Good luck and congratulations on graduating.
Accept they are not going to change or notice unless you do. Stop being a doormat and stop doing things for them. Part of growing up is learning self care and learning that “no” is not only a full sentence but also an acceptable answer to give someone. Stop being available and tell them why. If your not communicating and telling them and their SO how you feel, then in some cases they just don’t know. Make sure the conversation includes their girlfriends because the girls might have your back and explain it to them. If nothing changes then go LC or NC until they actually miss you. If they don’t miss you then you’ve saved yourself a lot of years of heartache and just start your life else where.