I don’t know if my (39F) inability to decide if I like someone by the end a first date is just because the first dates I’ve been on are duds, or because I just am someone that needs to regroup before they can process things. I have had 3 first dates with good intellectual conversations recently, but not necessarily feeling physical chemistry (though, I don’t think I’ve ever had that spark — I tend to pick “safe” intellectual types to avoid people who will pressure me to get physical too early). In any case, because the conversations are generally good with these folks, I don’t shut them down at the end of the date and will, in my awkwardness, say something like “let’s keep chatting” or give them a hug or something that indicates some openness to further contact. Then I don’t know what the heck to do after — so far for all of them I’ve gone home and thought about it and went…meh. But then I don’t know how to tell them that, actually, when I said let’s keep chatting I was lying and really wanted to end it.
I should add this is super new for me — these are the first dates I’ve been on in 4 years since my LTR ended, and I’d never dated another person outside of that LTR. So I don’t even really know what a first date that should lead to a second date looks like!
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I understand how you feel, because this happens to me too. I have good dates, but I’m missing that “spark” and physical chemistry. I know it exists because I’ve felt it in the past when I’ve met someone and started dating them, but lately I just feel….neutral.
I take it as trusting my gut and I’ll keep going on dates until I feel that connection in all areas. I’m in no rush and I think it’s normal to feel this way. (At least I hope so? 😅)
Depends on the person. Some folks are looking for a spark or other deep connection, although sparks are not especially good indicators of long-term compatibility. Others argue that you should always plan on at least two dates since the accuracy of peoples’ read on someone else after one date is pretty low, but that can lead to a lot more boring second dates.
IMO, it should depend on what you’re looking for. If you’re just out for fun casual stuff, I wouldn’t go on second dates if you didn’t have fun on the first dates. If you’re serious about looking for a long-term partner and are willing to have less fun in order to filter more accurately, it’s probably worth planning on being open to more second dates, even with people who felt “meh.” (As long it’s just meh and not bad or unsafe.)
I’m your age. I’ve had some similar experience with good dates/good conversation, but then don’t feel any physical attraction, go home and kinda think… eh. In that case I just text them something gracious thanking them for the date and saying I enjoyed meeting them but wasn’t feeling a romantic connection.
It might mean you need to change something up. Are you right-swiping/talking to/meeting up with guys who you’re not that excited about to begin with? (I’ve been guilty of this. Agree to a date while hoping that maybe I’ll be surprised and there’s completely unexpected in-person chemistry, and then of course there isn’t, and I realize I’ve just wasted everyone’s time.) 😕
Here’s a working theory off the top of my head. I’ve recently joined the OLD fun, after a long, self-induced single period where I wasn’t feeling *it* at all.
I’m currently musing over whether “the spark” is easier to obtain/recognize/be present based only on yourself (the proverbial you, so me too).
From swiping on certain people, to chatting, to the first date- every step along the way might be more spark inducing if you yourself are sparkly.
Know what I mean?
Search around this sub and likely other dating-related subs and websites, you’ll see that the spark is a polarizing and controversial topic. Is it important? Is it possible feeling the spark is *bad*? Is it harder to feel during online dates? Does it even exist?
There are some people who insist on feeling these head-over-heels butterflies within 15 minutes of the first date, they don’t get those feelings (in no small part because they put too much pressure on themselves), and are single for years and years. Then there are those who say “fuck the spark” and get into a relationship with the first person who’s tolerable, oftentimes winding up in a boring relationship. It’s important to be realistic about what you’ll feel and when, but it’s also important to have some amount of standards. Only you can decide where on the spectrum you’re willing to settle.
You’ve only been on three dates, you’re very inexperienced in today’s dating culture. After a bit more time you should have a better sense of what you’re looking for…if it’s nonstop mediocre-but-not-awful dates, maybe you have unrealistic expectations or maybe you’re going after the wrong type of people. But you might fall for the next date you go on. With so few dates under your belt, give it a bit more time to learn what you want.
I used to do that. As I got older I realized that first dates are kind of awkward and there’s a good chance they are nervous too. I no longer look at first dates the same, particularly off OLD. Second dates are where I make my decisions
Just assume you’ll go out with someone three times before you get to the first one. Some will make the decision for you by not following up, others will be so heinous you just need to cut them off. But as far as your indecision goes, you don’t have to worry until date 4.
If I find someone attractive, we have things in common, and seem compatible – I’ll try to have a second date. I don’t need that giddy spark feeling. But I have to find them overall attractive, like I would want to kiss them.
I like to aim for 4 dates before I make a decision. Though recently it seems like the other half has made decisions after 2.
I try to keep the first dates light and not dig too much deeper then texts or our profiles already shared.
2nd dates i’ll ask a bit deeper questions and share my relationship goals.
To actually address your situations:
A polite “thanks, but no thanks” type message is fine. The first few dates dont owe any kind of explaination or debate for closure.
36m
If its been 4 dates with similar results I suggest trying outside your comfort zone or dates that allow for more bonding then coffee or drinks
>So I don’t even really know what a first date that should lead to a second date looks like!
I honestly don’t think people ever actually do, unless they’ve just been on a lot of dates and can use some relativity.
I somehow think your age works against you in a way that’s perhaps a very unfair hidden truth. I’m in my early 30s, but I definitely have more assurance in my brain that the older the person is the more they know about themselves. Why I think that works against you, is if your not addressing that you are in fact unsure about what you are actually looking for immediately it’s very likely giving off the wrong signals. It’s not a great situation to be in, so I suggest looking inward and reflecting on what a great date would look like. For me if I’m excited after a date I just ride that through date 3, which is when I get very picky.
Assuming no dealbreakers are hit on, I go on 3 dates with every woman. I’m also upfront about it and why I do it. I’ve never had any woman say no to it.
34F: I have been on 5 dates so far and I felt a physical attraction only on one of them. However, I would be willing to see other guys for a second date since I don’t want to judge by first impression. When I fell in love in the past it was never a lighting, rather a process of observing the person. Everyone is nervous on the first date, you need to feel comfortable. My problem is however that the guys didn’t invite me for a second date. They either ghost or fade out. In my view getting a second date with a guy is like winning a lottery
First meet with OLD is sort of like date 0, in my opinion. You don’t have to decide if you’d like to move in with them, just if you’d like to spend another hour or two getting to know them after meeting face to face.
Unless it’s absolutely horrible (trust me, you’ll know when this is the case), if they ask you out again I’d say yes. After being in a long relationship it takes some time to adjust to dating. Give yourself some time and don’t make snap judgements when you only feel neutral/meh about a first meeting. Best of luck to you!
They expressed this sentiment on the show Master of None a few times and it stuck with me: People aren’t always going to be magical right away and the only way to know if they are is to spend time with them. So, maybe a “spark” doesn’t happen on the first date, but it might on the next. As long as they weren’t awful, had no obvious red flags, and you enjoyed their company, maybe it’s worth seeing where it leads to. But only if you have that energy and bandwidth too, of course.
Maybe try to swipe on people you are actually attracted to? To me, there is no such thing as a “safe” bet—even these intellectual types can easily pressure you into getting physical if they’re that kind of person. Might as well go on dates with people you find attractive. Not all of them are after sex anyway.
Have never, and will never, understand the pressure people put on first dates. People talk about “wasting time” but probably spend about 30 hours a week sat on their arse watching Netflix. It doesn’t make particular sense to when younger people do it, because a first date means practically nothing in terms of getting to know each other, but when older people are still doing it, I see that as probably more of an attachment issue on their part than not being able to find somebody they vibe with.
First – early dating is not a promise. Whatever signals you send don’t matter in terms of what you do or don’t agree to. You don’t have to match. As you acknowledge, it can impact someone else wanting to see you again or how they see the interaction.
Second- you need to practice interacting with people you see as sexually attractive. Dating apps are awesome for this because it’s all text, you’ll likely never see them, and you can block/unmatch if you get uncomfortable. People unmatch for many reasons and you don’t owe anyone a heads up.
My suggestion when you’re uncertain but would give it another date or two say that you had a “good time”, but you have to check your schedule and will get back to them tomorrow. Then you’re not showing any particular way about it AND not killing their confidence or brushing them off. Personally (30/F), I don’t want to know if someone is lukewarm because it will make me nervous and feel like they’re putting the responsibility on me to end contact even though I had a great time. If they’re willing to give it another go that’s enough. Though I’d hope they wouldn’t keep it going if dates 2-3 were equally lukewarm. I’d suggest no more than 2-3, but that’s because dates 3+ sex is more likely to be involved and if you’re not good at setting boundaries you might feel a little pressured by things like an invitation to their home.
Third – it sounds like you’re actually agreeing to dates when you know you don’t want another (and you’re maybe de-sexualizing safe intellectual types? By safe do you mean you’re not attracted to them, they seem shy, or that they’re nice?). If you know you’re not interested “I had a good time, it was nice meeting you” is a pretty standard brush off that works well! But maybe it’s lack of danger/thrill/uncertainty and not lack of sexual attraction you’re feeling? May or may not apply to you.
If they push in the moment about a second date they’re either over excited or intentionally ignoring that you’re not interested, and I’d say it’s ok to half heartedly agree “yeah, getting together again sounds nice/could be cool”. Then when you’re home and safe, if they follow up you can say you’re no longer interested in a second date after reflecting further, you don’t feel it’s a good match, whatever.
A date that leads to a second date, for me, is usually one with good intellectual connection and I find the aesthetically good looking, but based on the date I may or may not actually desire them sexually. Some first dates from the internet are pretty removed from sexuality so I don’t expect it until a more intimate date. My first date with my boyfriend was a 2 hours walk in -25 C in giant winter jackets. We had a few video chats then a home date, and then sexual desire came. But I knew I thought he was an attractive man from the photos, I didn’t know I wanted to have sex with him until a couple dates in.
I usually give it 24 hours after a first date before deciding about a second date. Having said that, maybe you just need a few more dates to get more experience.
I’d suggest not trying to decide until you’ve had three dates, then you won’t send the weird signals after a first.
I relate so much. I need an intellectual connection, trust before any intimacy and I don’t think “feeling a spark” is indicative of relationship quality. The solution I found is I let people know very early on that I’m a “slow-burner” that needs time to get to know them. If I decide we’re not a fit, I let them know immediately to avoid confusion.
This weeds out those who want to “test physical chemistry” early on. But, this approach has also gotten me rejected for a variety of reasons. Usually they pair up with someone else.
It took me about two years before I found a partner but the connection is everything I wanted.
I think the big thing is not to say something like “Lets keep chatting”. You can easily say, “thanks for the fun time” or something far less committal. Last date I went on, I knew I didn’t want to see her again, so I hugged her and said “I had a great time” and kind of left it at that.
When I was dating I knew, usually within the first 5 minutes or so, if I wanted to even continue talking. Some people were hard no’s and others were grey-area but seemed fine.
Overall the grey-area folks were people I’d see maybe one more time before deciding they were nice people but not really who I was looking for. Or they weren’t feeling me and I picked up on that and we just stopped.
I think you’ll know when someone is genuinely your type and giving you those vibes as reciprocation.
For context I was rarely physically intimate at any level with a first date outside of a few exceptions. So lack of physicality isn’t immediately a thing people are always looking at/for either
Personally if I gave a good conversation I give the guy a second date to see if attraction can grow.
If you’re not sure what you want to do after a first date, don’t worry. You’re not alone.
In fact, most single people (me included) say they aren’t sure whether or not they want to see someone again until the third or fourth date. And that’s cool! Taking your time and getting to know someone is part of the fun.
It’s easy to give off the wrong signals when you’re unsure how things are going, but it’s important that you’re intentional about what kind of message you send. If there’s no chemistry, it doesn’t mean anything bad about either one of you—it just means that it wasn’t meant to be right now.
I think it’ll be wise to just let those conversations die.
That way, you don’t need to have a long conversation and tell them why it’s not working. You don’t send them a message to tell them it was nice to meet them, but you don’t want to see them again. So I think this is alright for both parties involved. You aren’t trying to work yourself up into having more conversation with them, and eventually say they aren’t right for you either. So don’t “ghost” them, don’t lead them on, and don’t give them false hope, either.
interesting perspective
i dont know how to help you because i am wired differently, as a very sexual man. i always know if i am attracted to her after 1 date. But that doesnt mean a good match, just basic physical lust, I use a pass/fail system, attracted or not attracted. Then after that we can discover if we like spending time together or if she feels the same.
If i have a “meh” feeling, i do not continue, or maybe a second date.
So put differently, how can you more efficiently categorize these people? —” I tend to pick “safe” intellectual types to avoid people who will pressure me to get physical too early)” **ok so lets do an intellectual thought experiment:** They are kissing you in a very cramped car. Are you thinking either “this car is super fucking cramped i would like to be elsewhere, right now” or are you thinking “mmm yes more kissing mmm”
Ive also been reading about spontaneous vs responsive desire, very interesting stuff
You have a gut instinct for a reason, I’m sure you could have a safe loving relationship with any of these potential suitors assuming they’re the dedicated relationship minded type, but at the cost of you not feeling anything like you mentioned and you need to decide what trade offs you’re willing to take