Hi guys!
I have a question that I hope you can help me. I haven’t been in a lot of healthy relationships in the past but I was single for two years and did ALOT of work on myself and did some group therapy about healthy relationships specifically as well. I have recently got back into dating and I just need a check in because I’m still learning. So in the past I’ve dated a lot of guys who would say all the right things, but their actions wouldn’t back up their words. For example, I recently ended it with a guy who would be incredibly sweet over text and in person and would say very romantic stuff and be very reassuring about any insecurity I had for example. But his actions didn’t line up- he would disappear for days at a time, would constantly bail on plans, never wanted me to spend the night, mostly wanted to hang out at his place, wanted relatively short hangs outs,we only met up us two, would generally be hot and cold etc. I stopped seeing him after he ditched me like the 5th time. In hindsight, he was trying to use me for hookups and wasn’t that into me. That only lasted a few weeks and I would have ended it sooner but we had history, and he had always treated me well in the past.
The guy I am seeing now is the opposite of that. His actions say all the right things, but he doesn’t share his feelings or say a lot of sweet stuff. He has never once ditched me, he invites me out to hang with his friends, we go out on dates, he’s told me I could sleepover if I want, our hang outs are long, he texts me every day to say good morning and talk throughout the day, he is attentive to me and kind. But he never really says anything sweet or tells me he likes me etc. and any flirty texts are initiated by me(eg. I wish you were here cuddling me, do you miss me yet? ) and stuff like that. He also doesn’t ask me much about myself? I feel like the stuff he knows about me I have brought up in response to something we are talking about or if I have asked him something about him. To the point where yesterday I realized he didn’t even know my age. We have been talking for about a month and have hung out 4 times. I know it’s not long but we are already pretty close and we click well. He mentioned last week that we should see each other sooner the next time we hang out so we don’t have to wait all week which was in response to my flirty “do you miss me” text.
Everything is very easy between us. And he makes me happy. But i’m just wondering if I should be worried about the lack of “sweet talk”/“feelings talk” or if I should just focus on his actions? Thanks!
14 comments
Just to clarify before I give my thoughts, you want him to talk about his feelings and initiate sweet talk with you? Because he doesn’t do that, you’re worried he might not be interested?
Based on what you’ve written, he seems interested in you. Someone talking about their feelings or initiating sweet talk isn’t something that some people naturally do if they weren’t raised that way. When it comes to being vulnerable and talking about their feelings, keep in mind that you two just met and he may need more time. When it comes to sweet talk, you could continue to do it. Have you also considered talking to him about it? Maybe he doesn’t know that you find it really important and by talking to him, you could let him know that it makes you feel special to hear sweet talk.
So I dated a guy like this for a month. I think he liked me but just not enough. I felt safe with him, we clicked and both seemed to really like each other. I was a bit shocked when he ghosted. We had been clearly communicating and very open with one another. I think he just wasn’t ready or he didn’t like me enough to make that jump. My current boyfriend was willing to make that jump.
If you need the romantic things then I would tell him that. If he doesn’t want to do those things then I would look for other dates.
Honestly, I don’t think I’d be sending “do you miss me yet” or what you describe as “sweet” texts to someone I’ve only known for a month. I also don’t give my entire life story in the first four dates either. Like why rush things?
Maybe see where things go for a little bit longer?
This guy sounds like exactly what I’m looking for! 4 dates in a month, follows through on commitments, is opening up appropriate amounts over time.
OP, are you used to guys who talk a good game from the beginning? The kinds of guys who from the first date tell you how you are exactly what they are looking for? (Which is impossible for them to know that early.) and then those guys become inconsistent? Disappearing for days at a time? Flaking on dates?
If you’re used to guys who love bomb, than it can feel weird when someone doesn’t do that.
This could literally be me, lol. But it’s not! I have trouble sharing my feelings, and personally, a month would be too soon for me to get comfortable. Especially with only 4 dates. I’d suggest giving him more time. Everything else seems fine. You may also want to communicate that those things are important to you.
I was seeing someone who sounds remarkably similar weekly for ~12 months as a fwb.
In general I have never met anyone I couldn’t get a conversation out of, so I was very confused by him.
(He always answered any question, just really short, and never really initiated any convo / question). (Which was fine with me, since fwb)
But then he asked for exclusivity, so he definitely did like me (which was what his actions showed). (Unfortunately, he wants kids probably and I don’t, so I said no). We kept seeing each other for quite a bit more time. It wasn’t until the last month before he finally told me something unprompted. 😆
When I brought up that we should probably go our separate ways (I didn’t want to keep both of us in limbo), I asked him questions like, “what do you want in life?”, “do you want to get married eventually?”, he essentially said, “I don’t know, probably”. A few days later he told me thought about it, and had an extremely short answer. (He never thought about it before?? kind of cute though)
So at least with my fwb, his quietness I think stemmed from 2 parts:
1) Haven’t/doesn’t really think about himself and what he wants much.
2) Is already happy with me / everything he knows about me.
(But maybe a guy could comment on the quietness theory)
It definitely took me awhile to get used to him (I’m used to people who can’t stop talking). But honestly, I might look for someone like this. I do like philosophical and deep convos, but that’s what friends could be for. :p
I don’t know what your guy is like, but my guy was thoughtful (surprised me quite a few times with sweet things he did based on something I said in passing, or something he noticed about me), very chill, eager to help, reliable, consistent, and his interest was shown in ways other than words.
(besides the kids deal breaker, the only “but” I had was the quietness, but that wasn’t a “but” by the end, it was more of a positive tbh.)
tl;dr
This kind of low amount of talking is fine (maybe even good in my meager experience). It really depends on the guy though (whether it’s actually red flag or not). And/or whether you think you would be okay that quietness long term. Good luck!
I understand your predicament. If we go by love languages, my biggest one is words of affirmation. I am currently dating a man who doesn’t say sweet things, or express himself with words, or ask many questions about me. I find that a little hard, it makes me feel insecure at times. BUT he does pay attention to what I say, he randomly surprises me with things and it makes me realise he saves wee nuggets of knowledge, ie I ONCE mentioned my favourite flower in a random convo, then out of the blue he sent me flowers months later (my favs). No man has ever just randomly sent me flowers, let alone remembered my favourite flowers. I would guess his love language is acts of service, and maybe gifts. But most of what he does are small and big acts if service. I now try and really notice these things and remind myself that they are signs of affection.
Maybe try similar, if your man’s actions are all positive, and signs of real affection try and pay attention to them. Rather than focusing on the lack of words, focus on the other signs.
I don’t think it’s a concern. Now if he doesn’t start to open up more emotionally a little bit down the line, maybe re-evaluate then. Like 4+ months.
He’s likely into you.
However, I think he may want something different than you do.
A couple of years ago I only wanted to date casually. But I didn’t want to be dating many different people. I wanted to have only one or two people I’m seeing at a time.
So I had time for them, and my actions were showing that I liked them consistently.
But I never said any sweet words or anything like that because I didn’t want to confuse them. I didn’t want them to think i wanted anything serious.
I was honest with them about that, though. Did he mention if he’s looking for something serious or not?
Actions over words especially in the first couple of months.
If him showing you that he’s interested in you, with the proper action, isn’t enough 1 month in then you are the issue..not him.
Your anxiety and insecurity is screaming now. It’s ok /normal to have that but it’s not his fault that you do.
That doesn’t sound like a red flag to me and I feel like I’ve been that guy. I won’t say things that don’t feel genuine and in the early days of seeing someone can be shy about sharing my feelings, but I show up and try to show things through my actions. I’ve also felt like words are just words and flattery is manipulative bullshit, but I’ve gotten much better about sharing words of affirmation lately.
Its great that you have been working on yourself and are paying attention to all these things.
I agree with others that you’re generally looking good for a 4 date mark. EXCEPT for the fact that he doesn’t ask you about yourself. That’s bizarre and I’d likely flat out ask him why he isn’t attempting to get to know me beyond surface level interactions.
So your love language is words of affirmation and his are acts of service.
I feel like I could have written this, but about a guy I’ve been seeing for four months. There are some signs he likes me, but I’m not sure to what extent. He continues to slowly open up about his life and asks me more questions now than at first, but he still avoids opening up about ‘us’ or what he wants from me. He has told me on many occasions he is shy (even though he’s a loudmouth clown around me most of the time). I find it almost impossible to put my walls down and let someone in if I’m not sure how they feel about me, although I am trying to be a bit more vulnerable. He initiated our first conversation and dates, and keeps making plans, putting in effort, texting first and wanting to hang out. I also text first, put in effort and plan dates, so it isn’t one-sided. In the last couple of weeks he’s met my sister and some of my friends, and he has loaned me some of his expensive things. I’m a confident/secure person in general but I’m finding myself quite intimidated by his looks – he’s my absolute ideal physical type (although my type is definitely not most women’s type). I’m attractive but a little bit chubby, so it would be nice to know he finds me attractive. He told me I look great once a couple of months ago, and that I look like my profile pics, but I am very open with him each time we meet about me finding him attractive and I don’t get much back. I was also lovebombed in my previous relationship (which turned toxic), and I prefer the slow burn, but I totally understand the confusion – I’m reading the replies to this with interest! What we have is lots of fun and I’m not on a timeline (I don’t want marriage or kids), so I’m happy to ride it out for a little while longer, but I’m aware it can’t last like this forever.