My (18f) boyfriend (19m) has a touching problem:
I was sitting at home on the couch after I got back from an appointment, when my boyfriend returned to golfing all day with his parents. As soon as he got home he approached me and commented on a long maxi skirt with a slit in it saying, “oh I bet the guy you saw at your appointed was feeling you up in that” as he forcibly spread my legs open to look under the skirt while I was sitting. After telling him to stop in annoyance (because he does that a lot) he sat next to me and said “oh you smell good”. After brushing off his previous actions, I lightheartedly said “yeah smell me” to guess which perfume I was wearing. He then groped my chest and got on top of me while grabbing my head and feeling my hair. I pinched his side and said “get off of me and I’ll stop pinching you”. Instead of stopping he grabbed the back of my neck, squeezed super hard and slammed my head into the couch while he pushed and hit me. I tried to push him off and he refused to. He ended with putting his hand over my face resulting in him poking my eye and fresh nose piercing with his fingers. He then stomped upstairs with full force in his legs and his mom said to him “what’s wrong honey”. He yelled at her and said “nothing”.
It’s important to note that he touches and grabs me like this on a constant basis. We’ve been together for two years and he’s always had a touching and violence problem. I would never consider it to be abuse but maybe I’m wrong. I’ve stated what my boundaries are numerous times and I continuously tell him that I don’t like when he grabs me like he does but he continues to do so. He came down back to me afterwards to talk and I told him immediately that he is so wrong for what he did — he laughed at me and said “are you serious” and that he did nothing wrong until I broke down crying. That’s when, and when he always says sorry and makes excuses for what he does. In this case, saying that it was playful and he didn’t mean to upset me. I had to explain to him like a child that I had already said stop the first time and share with him that he doesn’t respect my boundaries that I’ve do blatantly stated to him numerous times.
I’ve been contemplating breaking up with him but in this moment I’m reliant on him. I love him a lot but he does this so much on top of a bunch of other issues that won’t be addressed here. What are your thoughts and opinions on what I should do?
48 comments
If this isn’t abusive now, it’s certainly headed in that direction. I would proceed with caution.
Can you characterize the kind of physical touch that you would enjoy, vs. the phsyical touch that he uses that you DON’T enjoy? It is normal to touch your partner without seeking permission, but he doesn’t seem to understand that there are certain types of touching that are NOT appropriate.
Ueah, that’s straight up abuse. Dump him, yesterday.
Honey, it’s abuse. I’m not sure how you think it isnt. I know it may not be easy, but I don’t recommend staying with someone like that. If you let him treat you any old way now, he will keep doing it, and it’ll get worse. You can do better than that..
Leave dat big eediat wasteman, plain abuse that, nothing else needs to be said
This is already abuse. Crossing your boundaries, verbally, physically, violently.. this is abuse.
He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
You say he does this often as well as other things? Are you only putting up with this because you rely on him? If you could just up and leave without that being an issue would you??
If your best friend/ sister/ someone you care about told you this story, what would you tell them to do?
As other commenters have said, this is unequivocally abusive. You will look back at this relationship and realize that you will never want to be treated this way again.
You said you are reliant on him, in what way?
Run very fast out of this relationship. He sounds like a spoilt brat and your mention of violence means it will lead to abuse. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him immediately for your own safety.
Oh, honey, this is abusive. I don’t know what is happening in your life that you feel like you are reliant on him, but you need to get away from him, even if it means going to a shelter. One way abusers keep control is by making the abused feel like they have no other alternative—get to a church or library and ask for help, please.
Parents failed their job miserably. Talk to his mother and she’ll probably make him understand better. Get out from this before he does something irreversible with you be it physically or emotionally.
[professional advice giver recommends dumping this boundary smashing creep](https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/08/06/smothered-by-new-boyfriends-physical-affection/)
Why are you still with someone who is crass, disrespectful and abusive?
This is physical and mental abuse, with a hint of immaturity when he doesn’t get what he wants. This is abuse at its peak the moment he hit you that was the moment you needed to make your choice and walk or fall in a life of violence in which you already are. This is not love and he doesn’t love you, he only wants what he can get from you and when he doesn’t he goes crazy. My opinion is clear leave while you still can.
Your boyfriend likes more aggressive touching and likes to talk dirty. Some may like this and some may not. This is preference. The fact that he grabbed you very hard and pushed your head into the couch is not good. It’s an act of anger due to you rejecting his aggressive sexual talk and touching. You need to set clear boundaries and tell him what you like. If he can adhere, great. If not, you may not be compatible sexually. He needs to tone it down to what you like.
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If you’ve told him numerous times to stop and he keeps doing it, it’s YOU breaking your boundary at this point because you’ve stuck around for more.
It doesn’t make him right, or correct, or appropriate. It’s just for it to be *your* boundary, you have to leave when your boundary is ignored.
Misleading headlong.
It’s not a touching issue!
THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Get out!
There’s some weird trolling going on lately in these subs lol wtf is the point of these troll posts
Seems off in the head not to mention disrespectful. That isn’t foreplay to me. Not if non consensual.
I’d recommend getting away from him but I’m worried about how he will treat you when you do. Be safe!
This is the type of guy that’ll rape you.
Ehh at your age just break up. Tbh maybe this is wrong way of looking at it from my side, but I just found out I’m having a baby girl and if she were your age with a guy treating her that way the boy would be dead
What the fuck…. Definitely break up with him, HUGE red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh no honey you walk away now. Beside the disrespect and ignoring you saying no, he is getting violent. Too many red flags, start early with walking away from horrible behavior and don’t make an excuse for it.
You told him no.
He didn’t listen.
He grabbed you and slammed your head into the couch. He hit you.
He just assaulted you. This is abuse.
As soon as you can get out, get out. You deserve better than this!
This is abuse. He is gaslighting you into believing he is doing nothing wrong. If it upsets you heeds to stop, PERIOD. You’re way too young to be dealing with a man like this, leave before it’s too late.
I’m so sorry. This is abuse. He shouldn’t hit you, nor should he be crossing boundaries you’ve already outlined for him. I’m afraid he’s only going to get worse. I realize your situation is complicated. As soon as you are able, you should leave him. For your own safety. I wish you well.
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Girl, that is straight up abuse. He gives excuses and apologizes to make you feel like it isn’t.
Abuse I see:
• He crosses your clear boundaries.
• He sexually and violently assaults you.
• He gaslights you by telling you it’s nothing and you’re overreacting.
• He tries to manipulate you into thinking you’re nuts, and waits until you’re crying to “apologize”, but then continues the inappropriate and violent behavior at another time.
I have been through this myself and he is grooming you to make you dependent on him and to make you okay with him controlling you. If you continue the relationship, his behavior will escalate to a point where you can’t stand up for yourself anymore, you will be questioning your sense of reality, and cannot leave him because you have been so dependent on him.
My advice: Make yourself financially independent. Do what you need to do to get some money set aside for a deposit on your own apartment for whenever you are strong enough to leave. And/or leave ASAP and go temporarily stay with a friend/family you trust. If you really cannot leave, document everything. If he leaves marks on you, take pictures and email them to yourself or someone you trust. Also email details of the day, time, place where the incident occurred and exactly what happened. If he assaults you, don’t be afraid to tell the police. You love him now, but you may want to report him to protect other women or yourself. This documentation will be very important evidence. And even if you think you have no evidence, you probably do. If you can safely get recordings as well, do that too. But PLEASE protect yourself. And don’t be afraid to talk to his mom about it if needed. She may or may not back you up, but do you really wanna have a future mother in law that won’t protect you and put him in his place?
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t forget that your boundaries are worth protecting and don’t let him control your sense of reality. You sound like a strong girl.
The stomping upstairs part. Loooool
Don’t spend another moment of your precious life with the guy. He isn’t a boyfriend he’s an abuser. You’re minimizing the abuse and you’re minimizing yourself, especially when you claim to rely on him. Yes an 18 year old may be reliant on others but that’s not what your situation is with someone who shoves you.
At first you tried to sound like he was just touchy feely but then you said he shoved you into the couch and got mad….that’s not playing. He’s weak and you know it. This will make you stronger. Just detox him from your life (relationships are as addictive as cocain so when you think you miss him it’s just withdraw symptoms).
You really buried the lead there. This is way more than a touching problem. This is outright abuse and you by all means should leave.
I have been there, and leaving is far from easy, but you sill be so much happier once you do. You do not deserve this treatment at all.
You’re living in a domestic violence situation now. Get out, call every friend you have for assistance and leave today. He’s never going to change and and cannot be given the benefit of the doubt.
You sound like a trolling moron. You even called out another post being a troll for just pointing out the facts to you. If this is true you aren’t any better than your “stomping up the stairs” mamas boy boyfriend
I’ve been in this situation before. Get out now before it gets any worse. Regardless of whether he’s your bf or not, that’s assault and if it would’ve gone further, that’s grape. And believe me when I say if it’s this bad now, it’ll get worse later.
It is abuse. Every single part of what he did to you is abuse.What exactly do you love about him? It can’t be his intellect or his regard and respect for you. Are you waiting for him to hurt you so badly you need an ambulance? This isn’t “playful” it is selfish and abusive. You know this isn’t a good relationship. Nobody should have to tell you what you need to do. You know what you need to do.
girl…….
It doesn’t matter what his excuses are. It doesn’t matter what he says. He REPEATEDLY disregards your boundaries. He will only escalate.
Can you imagine treating anyone the way he’s treating you? And then say you love that person?
Get the fuck out of that relationship now. He’s abusive and he will always be abusive. It’s only going to get worse from here.
Alright, so if your age is actually true. Then you shouldn’t need advice on what to do. The common sense thing to do would be to remove yourself from that relationship. Your boyfriend seems and sounds like he’s abusive. I don’t care if he calms down and ends up saying he’s sorry. Men are NEVER allowed to touch a female in ANY physical way. So, please for your safety please get out of that situation. Call someone for help if needed!
You need to break up with him, but I would also tell his mom, I have a 17 year old son, and I think I’ve done a good job teaching him how to treat women right, but if one of his girlfriends came to me and told me he was doing what your boyfriend has been doing I would be upset with him but be grateful to know there was a serious problem so I could take action to fix the behavior, If his mom is the one telling him what he’s doing is not okay. It might hit more serious for him. And it would could change how he’s been behaving. It will only get worse if someone doesn’t teach him how to properly treat women. But you should break up with him and tell his mom. So hopefully farther down-the-line. He actually doesn’t become worse and treat other women even worse than he treated you.
This can’t be a real post. You don’t know what love is, if you love a person that physically abuses you, consistently. If this is true, and this monster actually exists, then you ought to get far away from him. That’s the only advice you need to hear.
Quit dating a guy that won’t respect any serious boundaries you set. You keep dating him. He sees no reason to stop since you keep hanging out with him despite him violating the boundaries you set.
He doesn’t have the problem, you do and you won’t solve the problem by dumping his ass.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry 😞 you have clearly communicated your boundaries multiple times and have not been respected. You don’t have to put up with violence of any kind towards yourself. Leave him girl. It might be hard at first as it sounds like you are reliant on him in some ways. But trust me, in the long run you will be so much better off without him. Leave him asap if you can. Stay with family or friends. If that’s not the case, slowly and carefully start making plans to leave. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are a powerful strong woman that will not take this behavior from a man that you have clearly communicated with and he does not respect your wishes and boundaries. That’s not love honey that’s abuse and not normal at all. my heart breaks for you. Repeat after me: “I am a strong and capable woman. I am a strong and capable woman who will love and stand up for myself.” You deserve so much better than this beautiful. Hoping you have the courage to leave and change your life for the better. You got this!
You are wrong. It is abuse. GTFO of this relationship.
He’s had a touching and violence problem? Stopped reading there. Get out and get a restraining order if need be.
Babe, he’s abusive. This is abuse. He’s hurting you and not listening when you tell him to stop. How much more of this will you take?
What what what what what??
Respect yourself, care for yourself and leave him right away.
If you don’t leave him, this is what the rest of your life is going to be. While I don’t have statistics or anything, this type of thing often gets worse over time.
It is quite possible that he enjoys rough sex or the power exchange. Have a heart to heart talk but before that do some research in to bdsm. There is nothing wrong in that concept except that it should be between consenting adults. He could be attracted to you and love you but sexually has sadistic tendencies. Make sure you understand all this very well before initiating conversation with him. If this turns out to be true then if you dont enjoy it/want it, it is better to cut your losses than be enduring something unwanted the rest of your life.