I (18F) have been dating this guy (19M) for about a month now, and honestly I’m not sure how much i actually really like him. When I’m with him I feel really nice and he treats me well, but when I’m alone I’m constantly second guessing the relationship and how much I actually want him in my life. He’s honest to god a really good guy, but some of the things he says rubs me the wrong way and our conversation doesnt really flow all that well. I’m thinking I should probably break up with him but for some reason the thought of being in a short term relationship embarrasses the hell out of me. It’s like I’ll be less valuable of a partner or something and I guess I’m scared of being judged?? I have no idea if thats actually the reason but I’ve just always been mortified at the thought of being in a short term relationship and I think that seems to be whats keeping me from doing it (also because I genuinely like him as a person and I can’t tell if I’m just looking for reasons to break up with him or not).
I’ve looked everywhere online to see if anyone talked about feeling the same way but I haven’t been able to find anything and I feel really alone and just really need to talk about it or some advice or literally anything, I’m too scared to talk about it to my friends cause its honestly so dumb and I know no one will actually care but idk I’m just RAAA
TDLR: I want to break up with my boyfriend after a month but I’m really embarrassed at the thought of being in a month long relationship and have no idea why
21 comments
>but for some reason the thought of being in a short term relationship embarrasses the hell out of me. It’s like I’ll be less valuable of a partner or something and I guess I’m scared of being judged??
You are creating a problem where none exists.
Do you think it’s normal for anyone who enters a relationship to be prepared to dedicate like 2 years to it even if the person ends up sucking after a few weeks? Of course not.
>its honestly so dumb and I know no one will actually care
Exactly.
If you don’t really like your boyfriend, it’s ok to breakup.
> It’s like I’ll be less valuable of a partner or something and I guess I’m scared of being judged??
No one whose opinion you should care about is going to think ill of you because you dated someone for a month in your teens and decided it wasn’t working out. (People might find it strange if you tell them you dated a guy and realized a month in that you weren’t into it but then stuck it out for months/years until you felt like you were “allowed” to leave without being judged.)
> I’ve just always been mortified at the thought of being in a short term relationship
I don’t think this is a thing most people think about at all, so if you’ve always been mortified at the thought before it ever came up, it’s definitely worth giving some thought as to where this concern is coming from. When you worry that you’ll be judged, whose face comes to mind as the one judging you? Whose voice do you hear the judgmental comments in?
> I’m too scared to talk about it to my friends cause its honestly so dumb and I know no one will actually care
What do you think will happen if you talk to your friends? If it’s really something dumb that no one cares about and you’re worrying yourself sick for no reason, voicing your thoughts to a trusted friend to get them out of your head and get reassurance that it’s not a big deal is usually an excellent way to handle them.
Are you surrounded by judgmental assholes and you can’t trust anyone you should be able to talk to about your doubts? Have you had one judgmental asshole in your life who’s taught you that it’s not safe to confide in anyone?
> some of the things he says rubs me the wrong way
Such as?
I don’t know whether you should break up with this guy, it’s possible that anxiety or overthinking are leading you to inflate minor problems that could easily be resolved, and it’s also possible that you’re just not clicking with this guy and it’s time to cut bait. I do know that the worries you describe are not a reason by themselves to keep dating him if you don’t otherwise want to.
Honestly at your age, one month is the average lol. Teenaged relationships don’t typically last long.
>but some of the things he says rubs me the wrong way
Can you give examples?
I’ve literally never heard of anyone being judged for being in a short term relationship. Do you have any idea where that fear might be coming from?
Quality > Quantity
So you spent one month with this guy and decided you aren’t really feeling it… are you going to waste another year of your life just because of some arbitrary ideas about society’s view of a “short-term relationship”? There are almost 8 billion people in the world. Who cares how long your relationship was? Thank you, next.
It would be embarrassing to stay with someone you’re not into.
Relationships should be fun. I’ve been married for 7 years now and it’s been fun 90% of the time. The other 10% has been working on the hard stuff that we work through together and eventually leads to even more fun.
Don’t date someone if you’re not having fun. If anyone ever makes you feel judged about being in a short term relationship (which will never happen), just tell them you’re here for a good time not a long time.
You sound like me on my very first ever relationship at 17. When I was in his presence it was all exciting and new, but as soon as I was alone I felt pestered, empty, and just bleh. When I thought about sticking it out longer, my stomach would drop. That was my first lesson in that when you’re in love and truly connecting with someone, that’s not how it was supposed to feel.
So I broke up with him. Our whirlwind romance lasted a tumultuous, dramatic 168 hours (yep, one week LOL).
No one ever gave me a hard time for it, and this is considering I went to an all-girls school with some very nasty people! Trust me, NO one will care. In the Real World, people break off relationships all the time at less than a month, even a week, when they see it’s not working out.
You’re a month in and really overthinking. You’re not even in a relationship. You’re dating to see if you find someone to be in a relationship with. Doesn’t sound like he’s it.
youre 18. none of your future partners will give a fuck.
I dated my ex for about a year and the entire time I had a constant gut feeling that we were just not right for each other. But I never wanted to leave because I wanted to be able to say “I have a boyfriend” and be able to in a way “rack up” in months of being with someone so it could sound like I was in a somewhat, long term, relationship. You mentioned you feel really alone feeling this way so I brought this up to say you’re not alone! When I finally ended the relationship, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. In hindsight, I feel it was dumb of me to view relationships as a form of social currency but honestly it’s part of growing up and learning what relationships are truly about and one of those things is being happy!
I understand that being in a short term relationship embarrasses you. But staying with him while second guessing holds both of you back from being with people who will make you feel truly happy without any second guessing.
Asking reddit is great for a new perspective, but only YOU know what you should do. Even if it doesn’t feel like it – it’s there. What is your gut telling you to do?
You know whats really embarrassing wasting a year for you and him bcs of this instead of ending things now…Im the opposite of you I feel longterm relationships that are held bcs of thinking like this are so much more pathetic
You are not really into a guy you just started dating..
End it and move on.
Hi, 30f here.
Dating is an active verb. Meaning it’s something we actively do and it doesn’t always result in end game. That’s kind of the point of it. There’s nothing wrong with short term relationships, and I wholeheartedly believe every relationship has a “course” to run, be it a month or a year or forever. There’s nothing wrong with it, we learn more about ourselves every time and there’s beauty in that.
The key, is to stay true to yourself and remain authentic. I’ve been in those relationships where I wasn’t sure it was right when he wasn’t around but technically everything was good and they were a great person so I stuck around and a couple years later I’d be like “dang, I really just spent years with this person who bores me” or “that was just convenient” or “I completely lost myself by settling in that way”.
Listen to your heart. If it doesn’t feel right, move on. You’re young, you’ll meet other people, and that’s totally normal and okay! Just be honest with yourself and your partner.
“Hey, I think you’re really a great person, and I wish you all the success and happiness in the world, but unfortunately this doesn’t feel like it’s the right fit for me, so instead of wasting each others time, or being unfair to you, it’s probably best we part ways. Thank you for all the good times”
All relationships are short term relationship until they aren’t.
I’d break up while you don’t have much skin in the game. Trust your instincts.
The length of a relationship has nothing to do with your value (current or future) as a partner or even as a person. I see no reason to be embarrassed. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible and it’s better to know that for sure and be able to either end the relationship or see if it is something that can be worked out rather than just drag it on and waste their time and yours.
This is literally what dating is for. You take the time to get to know a person and figure out how you feel, compatibility, etc.
Are you supposed to stay with someone you don’t care for for years so you don’t have to suffer the “embarrassment” of a short term relationship?
Well it doesn’t sound like you want to be in a short-term relationship. It seems you want this to work but it just isn’t so though don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s people out there who date on the short-term for thrills and string people along but you don’t sound like that.
To me it very much sounds like you like this guy, but the relationship you have with him is getting prepared to take a hard left turn into a one-way intersection.
my best advice is to sit down and talk to him. Share how you’re feeling and if he’s dismissive or gets angry then there’s your answer
You aren’t in a short term relationship.
You are “dating”. And it isn’t working out for you.
You “saw him a few times” and it wasn’t right.
You “met up a few times” and things didn’t progress.
No shame, no blame.
It’s what dating is about.