My boyfriend and I have been dating for over three and a half years, and we recently moved states. The lease of our old apartment in our previous state doesn’t end until the end of August, so I’ve recently traveled back to spend some time with my family before I fully integrate into our new state. My boyfriend stayed behind because he’s currently in medical school. We were apart for about 11 days. I’ve never had any reason to not trust him 110%, but I feel like he might be projecting his own guilt because he’s never been like this before.
When I came back last night, my boyfriend made some weird comments in passing, totally unprompted. I think he said at least four or five times that he “hasn’t done anything *at all* since I left,” (referring to social hangouts i assume) even though I didn’t ask, and certainly wouldn’t mind if he did. When I was cuddling with our kitten after not seeing her for so long, he said, “Lucy (our kitten’s name) has had three different moms here since you’ve been gone… and they’ve all been NAKED! Haha! Just kidding.” Which is a super weird joke and totally unlike him to make. While we were putting together a hamper for our laundry area, he also mentioned that a girl who lives across the hall (who we are both acquaintances with) showed him her washer and dryer setup in her apartment while they were hanging out (all of the apartments are pre-furnished and are exact replicas of each other, so this makes no sense), meaning he went into her apartment alone to hang out, which I don’t care about, but he seemed pretty adamant that he’s only been focusing on studying.
One last weird thing happened that makes me wonder if he’s projecting. While I was gone, I went to the movies with my family. Before the movie started, I sent him a text saying I was seeing the same movie we saw together again for a second time, and I wouldn’t respond for a few hours. I didn’t give him any other details, to me this was no big deal. Last night when I got home, he seemed pretty nervous and asked me who I went to see the movie with—something that he’s *never* ever done in our 3.5 year relationship, because he has always trusted me 110%. I was kinda taken by surprise, but not in a bad way, but I answered honestly, “I just went with my mom and my brother.” He seemed to accept this answer. Super unlike him.
Does this seem like an admission of guilt on his part? Is this worth addressing? How would I bring this up in a respectful way?
2 comments
I would say odds are 60/30/10 that he cheated, he’s deathly paranoid that you cheated, or he’s crazy, in that order.
A conversation is really the only way to know for sure.
Honestly, sounds a lot more like he’s worried you cheated while back home. Especially given the context of him in a new place likely lonely and bored, you back home where you know people and were out and about socially. Sounds like his thoughts were getting the best of him. Imagine if that was the case your movie text really got his paranoia going.
Sounds like someone who’s been ruminating on “is she being faithful” for a while, while also having the “stop being stupid, she wouldn’t do that” thought countering it….so you get to see this nervous energy.
Joking about cheating is much more often an unintentional test of your reaction, than guilt coming through. Just look out, because if that is the case, you getting defensive may be seen by him as evidence (even though defensiveness isn’t evidence of guilt at all, studies show the opposite actually).