I haven’t had much luck finding a partner and I don’t think that will change in the future. I cannot stop feeling melancholic because finding a lovely partner was always something that I wanted. But since that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me, what kind of mentality should I have to live my life in the plan B?
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I wouldn’t say happy. Just less stressed over someone that lacks adulthood maturity growth and self sustainability to be independent from friends/family assistance minus Cluster-B traits.
Partnerless feels nice for a few months to a year but after that the happiness wears off.
I’ve been single nearly 2 years and plan to stay this way for another 1-2 more
I met my first and current gf at 20,I’m 21 now,before that I was so happy alone (and am happy with her),I enjoyed my company just by liking things to do alone or volunteering,that would be a great place to meet people while also doing something fulfilling
Honestly every girl I’ve dated after my LTR has ended has made me appreciate being single. It used to bother me. Now instead of missing a bedtime cuddle I appreciate having the bed all to myself. When I miss companionship I remember all the times my dates have started arguments at random, or blown me off, or used me for attention. And I hit up my friends instead.
End of the day I have a lot to be happy for. I’m still striving to grow and I would still like to meet that special person, but if I go without sex for the next 5 years in the meantime I’d rather that than another drama ridden situationship.
Much less drama, less stress, less worry, you get to do what you love without getting told that its too expensive (not really, good income), it takes too much time blah blah blah, you get to concentrate on yourself and your education, you also can hangout with your friends and you don’t have to worry about how she will react, specially when i also have female friends and when you are in a relationship she doesn’t like that SMH, also you wont get blamed for everything that goes wrong… So on and so on. I just choose to be single even tho i am a pretty good looking guy, its just much better this way.
Yeah sure there are downsides to being single, or as you would say “partnerless”, but there are more upsides to being single.
Edit: forgot to mention that in a relationship people demand that you txt them a lot and as soon as you get the message, which is impossible, yeah sure when i dont do anything i would love to and i did, but when im doing something (working, riding, driving, hanging with friends and so on…) its not possible. I still do txt but not as soon as i get thei message.
Also double standards…
🤣🤣🤣
(25M) It’s not really happiness, more so the feeling of knowing it’s better to be on your own than settle for someone you know won’t make you happy; I like to see it as a build up to eventually finding someone who complements me rather than tolerates me. I’ve been around women who don’t make me feel like I can be myself and it’s not worth the drama and heartache.
As a nihilist it doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not as your ultimate fate will be the same and that of our solar system and even the universe: Death
Just try to have some fun while it lasts
they arent. i have to have a gf or i just get a sugarbaby or i go crazy man
You’ll find someone! I have found that in life throughout the things I am interested in, and going to those gatherings and clubs sorts of things, I am able to strike up more relationships with the opposite/or same gender. If that’s your goal, try it!
After years of being deliberately single, I still sometimes miss relationships and planning on dating again soon. But there is a genuine joy in being the captain of your own ship, doing what you want when you want, on your own terms. It just means there isn’t always someone around to share your joy with.
Get to do what I want. How is that not great?
Just smoke weed about it
Honestly I haven’t had a girlfriend for 5 years since my ex cheated on me. I went from not wanting a gf due to not feeling ready to just being happy with my life. A big part is doing what you want to do in life. I went back to school and I’m gonna graduate in a year, and I stopped doing things that I “felt” like I should do as a 20-something year old. I guess I mean going to bars etc (it’s just not for me no shame to others who like it ). I picked up old hobbies from when I was younger (now that I have money as an adult). I also had to become happy with being at home. I went from not standing being home due to getting trapped in my thoughts to it becoming my comfort space.
My life may not be exciting, most days consists of studying but I have a simple life, I have hobbies to look forward to, a good cat, my health is moderately well etc, so I try to be grateful for what I have. I think a big part for me is being grateful of simple things (having a bed to sleep in, food etc) because one day everything can change and you may get a rug swept out from you…
Idk, I kind of typed as I thought but that’s what I can think of. Also don’t rule out finding a girlfriend. It may happen when you least expect it. But you don’t need a partner to enjoy your life. They should merely be an addition to a good life.
We aren’t. Or at least I’m not.
Honestly after my last LTR ended I learned the lesson that it is soo much better to be single than with the wrong person.
I definitely still want to fall in love and have a partner to go through life with, but I find focusing on my own goals and all the other wonderful relationships I have with friends and family fill that void. I’m not alone even if I am single. Also having a dog helps a ton TBH. He is my constant companion and resident snuggle buddy 🙂
And I always hold out hope that the right one is out there, and I continue to put myself out there in the hopes that our paths align at some point 🙂
My orchestral music composing for games and films, my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Eastern Orthodoxy are the main things that bring me joy.
Living alone shouldn’t be called a plan B, it’s a way of life. First of all you shouldn’t be like “ok I have a plan, I want to be married by 30 and I’ll make everything ABOUT THAT.”. Make a life for yourself that you enjoy alone then when you meet someone who you see fit into your world, well just shoot your shot.
I’m 28 now and have been single for a month and had been single in the past for 2-3 years between relationships. After the breakup (which I initiated) I live alone now and I feel alive again. I can assign as much time to my hobby as I want, I can watch any show/movie that I want WHEN I want, I have full control over everything and I don’t have to double check with anyone. I use the newly available free time to improve myself mentally and physically. I’m working out again after years, I started to cook, quit smoking, quit drinking (only once a month now instead of multiple times a week), spend more time with friends, spend more time playing the games I love with the friends I like.
Ofcourse you look at my lifestyle and say it couldn’t fit a SO. It could but she would probably have to be a gamer or at least tolerate me spending time with my hobby and friends. I tried relationships with girls who were “normal” (not gamers) and they always, always failed. It was a problem that I played 2 hours every day (which was already 1/3 of what I played before them), they were annoyed by talking to my friends while playing (I spend more time with them… lol), they were even more annoyed if there was a woman in the friend group I played with.
Personally I’m done trying to hide my hobby and how much I enjoy it. My life isn’t just about gaming but it is my main hobby and I would love to share it with someone, so I’m kinda like left with dating other gamers. Which is really hard considering it’s a small percentage of females.
Make a life for yourself that you love and try to find someone you can involve in it and you can enjoy it together.
It depends. You can try to focus on the negatives of a relationship (drama, stress, worry, having to coordinate schedules and plans and so on) and that might help, if you don’t then start to think about the benefits (love, companionship, physical and emotional intimacy, mutual support and growth, etc.).
It might be better to really do a lot of work on your own mind. This can include cognitive behavioural methods like monitoring self talk and challenging thoughts and assumptions (e.g. “I can’t carry on living alone”) or deconstructing your sense field into the aggregate of pleasant, unpleasant and neutral sights, sounds, smells, etc. and see that they often aren’t that different between singledom and being in a relationship, you can ask yourself what stories your mind is telling you and to what extent you’re believing them, etc., (cognitive behavioural approach and mindfulness) you can focus efforts on interests and hobbies, you can also develop skills at managing your mood directly and indirectly (such as [Buddhist jhana](https://dharmaseed.org/retreats/4496/) or Hindu samadhi practice, if they’re accessible to you—these states are, as I’ve had them reported to me, astounding) and you can zoom out to the big picture in which you are a tiny fleeting being on a rock, hurtling through space and think about how small and brief your problems are. You can think about the billions of impossibly valuable beings whom you share the world with and how, even if you tried, you could never really appreciate just how valuable and beautiful they are. You can reflect on how everyone is really alone in their heads, mostly, struggling through life and then basically dying alone in those last moments—and in a sense, your life isn’t really all that different. You can reflect on how the conditions of life are that things are inconstant, often ultimately unsatisfying and not really under our control, and work on fortifying your mind to be resilient to this.
Perhaps some of that will help. Honestly, I struggle with this and I have thought about just checking out as a result, at different times. As a funny anecdote I went out on a date with a counsellor and she remarked that she didn’t know how people manage to go through long periods of time single and that she generally didn’t stay single for more than a certain number of months at a time, because it would negatively affect her mental health. Like many parts of life, being single for long periods of time is very difficult for those who seem made for partnership and companionship.
They cope
Don’t care as much and just talk to people without expectations of getting dates/finding a partner and see what happens and put yourself out in social situations that gets you meeting the opposite sex.
we aren’t mostly we just try to avoid the problem
We’re happy because we don’t need another person to dictate our happiness. We can still enjoy the things we like, go places we like, and spend money on the things we like without asking for someone else’s approval. I’m 35 now and it’s taken me this long to appreciate the value of such freedom.
I generally focus on getting enough sleep/exercise, play some tennis, go for some hikes, and occasionally do some drugs.
For me, in healthy relationship, each of the partners should have something of their own. Their own hobby they can afford. Something what makes them their own personality. If you are in relationship where your partner nags you for your hobby (expensive, time consuming, childish etc) it’s better to be alone. Either alone or with someone who has also their own intrests and aren’t too attached to you
TL;TR: Rather be alone and stressless than with someone who nags your personality
30m. I gave up and I’m fine with it. I accepted I’m the problem and I’d rather take myself out from the “equation”. The dating life isn’t for me and I’m too straight forward with who I am, insecurities and securitues alike. I don’t want to waste time hiding back anything.
Edit: obviously it goes hand in hand.
I just know that if I sit on my couch waiting, nothing will ever change. I dont have a partner, but I have friends, family, university, Im always signing to learn new things… I guess I just decided I wasn’t going to sit down and wait for a boyfriend in order to do the plans I want.
If I meet someone, I will be the happiest person ever. Im sick of being single, of feeling unlovable. But also, Im not going to stop living while he doesn’t appear, I will just be busy living my best life and hoping some of the guys I meet along the way develops feelings (and vice-versa).
I cant exactly say this is the right answer as Im still single, but Im not unhappy (right now). Im just trying to live my best years and hoping I someday meet a guy. But I know that if I dont, at least I wont be alone, cause I have friends and people who like me, and that gives me a bit of hope
Well, based on my experience, the last relationship was so bad, being alone is a relief! Kinda makes me gun shy about another one.
You should be happy by yourself.
I’m 31, haven’t had a date or sex in five years! But I’m young and healthy and I see my friends twice a week so I’m not bothered by it that much. The goal for having a partner is to have what I’m missing in friendship and that is regular sex and also not living alone in my 40+yo since the time I hang out with friends might decrease as we get older. So this is a possible future issue and I will deal with it at the time
I’m not and never have been. I just try to focus on my pro wrestling career because I have fun in it to distract me from my loneliness, hoping to meet a girl that way. I feel that the universe loves fucking with me about it though, because it knows how bad I want a relationship, but its more likely I’ll be signed to a major company in wrestling than have a long lasting relationship it seems
No one will able to be better company than me, I always seem to know exactly what I feel and want to do. I also make amazing snacks, am extremely funny, and have great taste in movies.
Concentrate on what you have, not on what you don’t. It’s not being happy without a partner, it’s being happy with free time, disposable income or few responsibilities, whichever applies.
I just focus on my own health and on my friends
I have a friends with benefits to fill the void of sex and most hobbies like hip hop dancing or volunteer work help me socialize and put myself out there. And having some family/friends certainly help. I don’t need a girlfriend or wife to be happy although it certainly would be nice. When it happens I’m sure it’ll be great.
52(M):- I’m happy because I’ve got my son who I am very proud of. My ex has moved on and I am free to do whatever I want.
I sometimes think about getting another partner, but I seem to always change my mind. I’m in my early 50’s and thinking about emigrating. Life just now is freedom and don’t want a gf hanging around me at the moment.
Don’t have a plan B. Work on yourself, workout, groom, learn skills that will help you achieve a sufficient income and you will find a purpose along the way. Then you can decide if you actually prefer being on your own or not, you might find that you enjoy gyming for example then you’ll meet people there and get a greater understanding of what you want. It’s all about experience, life is about experiencing as much as you can.
So for your plan B you want to focus about 98% of your energy on something that will pay you, like a job or business. And get in or stay in shape. The other 2% you focus on finding a girl cause you can’t give up on it completely, it doesn’t serve us well. Just can’t put too much energy into it either.
Because some of us don’t have a choice.
21M here. I occupy myself with other things. Gym, video games, cooking, and being with friends. Just don’t get jaded. It’s a really ugly quality.
I’m not, everyone around me has a relationship or getting married and having kids. My family keeps asking me when I’m getting a gf/kids. Everyone thinks I’m a loner/weird or they give me the “oh you’re a nice guy” / ” you will find someone when the time is right”.
At the end of the day it’s annoying but I have a good life and do things I enjoy, so I try my best to stay happy with myself.
I know this is long but it comes from a good place from someone who’s done a shit ass load of therapy.
I’m a female but I do think I might have some helpful insight as a human.
After spending some time single I felt that loneliness inside me that I genuinely believed could filled by romantic intimacy and love with another person. So I opened myself up to it and I did meet a guy who I dated for 7 months. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with guys but this one was good. He respected me and we liked a lot of the dumb weird shit. I truly loved him and I know he truly loved me.
The problem though (me for) was that the hole in my heart that I believed could be filled by this other person… was still there. Everything I’ve learned from movies, society, ect has told me that this beautiful thing that I have SHOULD fill that hole in my heart… but it didn’t.
Therapy, reading, long journey, ect… I realized that the only kind of love that can really fill that hole is true love for myself. I know that sounds totally clichĂ© and I cringe even writing it but I’m serious. I loved this man that I was dating but the fact that I didn’t love myself.. caused ripples I’m our relationship that hurt him too. I wasn’t being the best girlfriend I could be because I didn’t even like me. And when I dont like me… I struggle to fully understand why he likes me. See the problematic dynamic there?
I left the relationship because I realized I had things I needed to work through alone. No one could fix that pain for me.. and staying was just hurting him.
Everyone has various issues they may have to work through or why they don’t love themselves. What’s yours? Where does insecurity come from? Not the assumptions you have about what girls want.. but the real facts of why you feel this way?
The way that you framed the question you asked here is what tells me that you probably struggle with loving yourself as well. No person.. no matter how perfect, attentive, present will be able to patch that hole in your heart fully.. that’s work that you have to put into yourself before you meet them.
I know guys will come at me for saying that but I really am telling you this from a genuine place and from experience struggling with my self worth, times of loneliness, feeling like I was unlovable… I don’t need to have a dick to understand those feelings.
It takes time. Like a lot of fucking time and dedication, but it’s worth it. Think about the reasons you currently believe you won’t find a partner? What qualities in yourself are YOU deeming unattractive? Out of those things which of them has the ability to be worked on whether it be with healthy choices, learning, therapy. Do those things. Not because you want to appear attractive to a potential partner…. but because you NEED to be attracted to yourself.
And when you do genuinely become attracted to yourself (I don’t mean physically.. I mean emotionally as a human)… you’ll project a more attractive image to a potential partner.
I may be a chick so I can fucking hate myself and some dude will still mindlessly put his dick in me.. but it doesn’t mean I’m happy or fulfilled. It doesnt me and this guy are connecting. If there’s a relationship it’s super toxic, unhealthy and potentially traumatic. If I want genuine love from a partner that actually makes me feel good… I have to love me first. Because whether I’m questioning why they could love me just on the inside and hurting me.. or questioning it to them with my words, actions or attitude and hurting them… the end result is shit.
Fall in love with yourself.
And at that point.. you will fill fulfilled whether you have the extra love from a partner or not.
That’s just the key to healthy love my dude.
IMO, the current dating pool consists of mostly posers and ghosters. I’m not going to waste my valuable time time in trying to create the perfect profile and joining the other restless millions in a “pick me” dance in hopes of acquiring the right partner.
In the real world, I’m not going to put my own life on hold waiting for someone who may or not be out there. Yes, I know things may change once he shows up. But is he here now? No. Do I know precisely when he’ll arrive? No. Can my laments about his absence make him show up any faster? No. So the best thing I can do for myself is focus exclusively on what I can control and what will provide for me the best ROI: focusing on my own life. Doing what I want. Going where I want to go. Collecting life experiences and making friends along the way. Learning and growing each day.
By doing so, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I love the life I lead and wouldn’t exchange it for anything.
Happiness comes from within. Seek discomfort.
I had a relationship that was both rocky and that made me very happy at times. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I don’t. But I’ve been going on several dates recently, and I just couldn’t see myself being happy with the girls I was on the dates with. I am probably a bit too picky at this point, but I don’t really want to waste my time or her time being in a relationship I kinda-sorta regret. So I feel really good about my decision to not date anyone at the moment, despite some happinesses I’m missing out on being with a partner. I have a pretty good sense of calm at the moment; I’ve been working out a lot more, working on my language skill, and just trying to save up money to buy a house (since this economy is bupkis). Sooner or later, I have confidence I’ll find someone with whom I can feel at ease and that really makes me happy again inside.
I’m 29
I don’t know any difference. You can’t miss what you have never had.
I have dated quite a bit. I’ve been single since the pandemic. I have commitment issues, so it is usually followed by a week of guilt and self loathe, then there’s a million new things to learn and do, video games, guitar, motorcycle, random traveling, blockchain projects, I think you’ll have to learn to love yourself and do other things that genuinely make you happy, go to grungy dive bars strike up conversation with random strangers listen to really interesting stories.
Don’t be sad!! I understand there can be moments where you will long for your person, but when the time is right you will find them, if not, there’s nothing wrong with it, depression is a slippery slope and really hard and expensive to come back to normal to. Hang out with people make new friends, or try to, if that’s not your personality. Learn a musical instrument! Or learn to ride, it feels great!
Find spaces where people with your common interests meet up, life’s short,enjoy life dude!!
I’m not necessarily happy that I don’t have a partner, but I don’t and I have PLENTY of other things to keep me occupied in the mean time (working on my goals, spending time with friends/family, and my solo interests/hobbies). Mentally I am ready for a partner, but there are other goals I have that I want to accomplish first. I need to do these things to feel good about myself…that way I can give my best self to a partner in the future. I recognize that I have an anxious attachment style and that I need to work on those things that make me insecure and anxious. Hopefully, the person I end up with, is out there working on himself and learning lots of life lessons so that we can come to each other whole and secure.
Edit: You don’t know what is in the cards for you, so stay positive OP. That is one thing I look for in a partner. Life might be beating you down, but the sun will always come up tomorrow. The birds are chirping. You are alive to live another day. So live it! Everyone should have goals and/or a bucket list of what they want to experience and accomplish in life. Make your lists. Check them twice and get started.
Some things to spark thought: What is the state of your mental health? Have you ever been to therapy? Are you a good communicator? Even if you are, there is always room for improvement by reading communication “self help” books. Are you physically/medically healthy? Do you eat healthy and exercise regularly? Can you cook? Is your job/career where you want it to be? Are you financially stable? Are you spiritually strong in whatever your faith/belief is? Do you have family and/or friend (your chosen family) support? Do you have a handful of interests/hobbies that bring you joy? What new things are you open to trying? That should be your Plan A. These things are in your control. Keep putting yourself out there, but you cannot control when “that person” will walk into your life. I personally believe in God’s timing and don’t like to dwell on things.
Filling it with things that I want to accomplish or do that may otherwise be difficult. If you remove one thing, it’s always important to add a different thing.
Be so damn busy you don’t even know what you would do with a relationship if you had one.