Throwaway.
We have been dating for 5 months but I am going to end things. I am shy and non-confrontational and my bf is revealing himself to be a highly reactive and short-tempered person. He can get frustrated and angry at things that I don’t find a big deal – for example, someone unknowingly standing in his way on the sidewalk, someone being loud on the bus, or if he feels someone is condescending/disrespecting him – he simply can’t brush it off or ignore. He turns aggressive and confrontational by raising his voice and swearing and I just don’t support this kind of behaviour. If I am present I find it very hard to know what to do – I will often shut down or walk away from the situation when it happens. He has told me that he feels I do not respect him as I don’t “defend” or “stick up” for him or myself. I am then the target of his anger and he has yelled at me that I am spineless, too soft and have no boundaries. I don’t think I’m perfect, and I can certainly be a people pleaser at times, but I don’t think this kind of behaviour toward me/other people is normal. I’ve heard from mutual acquaintances that he often falls out with his friends and has even lost jobs over his outbursts. When I ask him why he thinks this is an acceptable way to act, he says it’s normal for him and that everyone in his family argues and yells at each other. Is this something he should be seeking therapy for or is he doomed to a life of unnecessary conflict?
TL;DR aggressive bf gets into situations that make me uncomfortable, then yells at me for not supporting or respecting him.
12 comments
Sounds like you know what you need to do. You aren’t compatible.
>TL;DR aggressive bf gets into situations that make me uncomfortable, then yells at me for not supporting or respecting him.
Sounds like a good reason to leave to me.
Stop questioning this and dump him today before he starts hitting you.
His aggression can lead to violence. You need to remove yourself from the situation and protect yourself.
I think you need to stop worrying about what the rest of *his* life will look like, and start worrying about your own.
It’s only been a few months and his “I’m not an abusive asshole who might end up murdering you” mask is slipping. End it now before you’ve moved in, lost your friends, changed the way you dress, quit your job, and don’t even have the pocket change for a bus ticket to your parents’ house.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. Imagine dreading if he is going to embarrass you in public for the rest of your life, or get in a fight with the wrong person.
Then him yelling at you? He’s oblivious and probably an abuser.
No, it’s not normal. His family sounds pretty toxic.
But none of that is for you to deal with. Dump him. You don’t need to analyze how or if he could be better, that’s just looking for some excuse to fix him. Don’t go there. Run, don’t walk, from this relationship.
>Is this something he should be seeking therapy for or is he doomed to a life of unnecessary conflict?
Luckily, this isn’t your problem anymore, as you’ve very wisely decided to end this relationship. But if you need people to weigh in: no, it’s statistically not normal for a person to be so unable to control their anger that they lose multiple jobs and relationships over it. You are right in ending this.
He should be seeking therapy for this. He will not do so because you tell him to because he is certain that this is ‘normal’ because that’s how he grew up.
The question is if this is the kind of person you want to stay with. You’re only 5 months in, meaning you should be seeing the absolute best sides of him. Instead he is showing you… well, this.
This is a man who has *lost jobs* because his outbursts are so bad.
And the fact that you say he’s yelled at *you* for not… supporting and respecting him?
Fuckin *run* like your tampon-string is on fire.
How is this not a dealbreaker for you?
>When I ask him why he thinks this is an acceptable way to act, he says it’s normal for him and that everyone in his family argues and yells at each other.
Reality is that if he was socialised to think this kind of yappy dog approach to life is valid then not only will getting him to go to therapy be hard it is unlikely it will ever truly sink in. Like this will be his life and someone will be unfortunate and weak enough to get stuck as his partner and accept his toxicity and abuse.
Don’t be that person.
Though be real: the fact you have put up with this much as is really is a concern. 5 months isn’t that long, but it is a long time to be humouring [and thus unwittingly enabling] this behaviour.