Hi all! Sorry, I’m not very knowledgeable or active on Reddit, but I have this issue that I can’t get out of my head, hence my post here. Throwaway to avoid being recognized.
My friend [40M] confessed to me [25F] about wanting to be more than friends, which I politely declined because I wasn’t interested in being more. We’ve known each other for 2 years through a gaming group. After this he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and, to keep a long story short, we’re currently completely no-contact and not on speaking terms whatsoever.
Now, we were part of a group of gaming friends that often plays a variety of games together on the weekends. Ever since this happened I haven’t been invited to play any games. They still speak to me (amicably) when I message them but I feel like I’m always the one taking initiative now even though that was more balanced in the past. They haven’t contacted me once since I rejected that other friend whilst before we messaged each other on a nearly daily basis. I know that they still play games with the friend (40M) several times a week.
I’m not sure what to do now. I haven’t told my friends about what happened because I didn’t want to start drama, gossip or talk badly behind my ex-friend’s back. I did talk with one of the friends [30F] about the situation, she said she felt bad for me but hasn’t contacted me since either.
It may sound a bit arrogant, but I have a lot of other friends too and I wonder if maybe I should redirect my focus on my other friends that still invest time and energy in me as well?
It just feels a little unfair that I didn’t ask for this situation whatsoever, didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ but apparently still lose my friends over this. It may also be worth mentioning that the friend I rejected is one of the main characters in the group, kind of the popular one.
What should I do in this situation? I don’t really want to beg for their attention but maybe I’m misinterpreting the situation.
EDIT:
Thanks everybody for the replies! This has cleared up a lot for me.
Just to clarify two topics that I see a lot in the comments:
1. The group consists out of a few people ranging between ages 25-40, mixed genders. Only one person in the group has known 40M longer than me, the others in the group have known him and the group as long as I have or shorter.
2. Someone asked what happened between the rejection and getting to the no-contact point with 40M. I didn’t want the post to be focussed on the rejection, but basically, around the time of the rejection some things have been said by 40M that have disturbed me and made me feel unsafe, so after he said that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore because I rejected him I realized it was probably in my best interest to block him for my own well-being. Now that I think about it, his reason for not wanting to talk to me anymore was that “he’s been in this situation with several other girls before” so that was probably a red flag too…
Your reactions have made me realize there is probably a good chance that 40M has spoken badly about me to the friend group. I honestly could say (and prove!) so many bad things in return, but I’m not a vengeful person. Since my friends have not bothered to ask me what happened I suppose I’m better off not investing my energy into them anymore.
I will spend my time playing games with my other online friends and my irl friends instead. Thank you all! <3
35 comments
>What should I do in this situation? I
Move on and focus on actual friends.
They clearly picked sides and your side wasn’t the one picked. It’s very unfortunate and unfair but it happens. You did nothing wrong and it sucks you’re losing friends over that situation but it’s clear they all made the decision
They are not your friends. First off age gap, ew. And his reaction just proves everyone’s point about why someone that age would want someone this young. No self respecting adult would act that way. Focus on your other friends. It’s not worth it.
Seems like they are totally fine with you but prefer to be on his side and make him comfortable.
You can move on or maybe give it a little time and move on if things don’t improve
No, you’re not. They showed you that they aren’t really your friends after all.
So yes, you should only focus on the people that actually stay and invest in you too.
Don’t beg for the bare minimum.
They were never your friends. They were his friends. I’m sorry 🙁
Honestly the whole ‘all or nothing’ thing with men is very confusing to me. I don’t get it. We can be friends and if something develops we will look at it then – if it doesn’t develop we can still be friends. It seems a little toxic and red flaggy to be told ‘we date or we’re nothing’, but I’ve also experienced someone saying this and I lost a good group of people I used to really enjoy playing with due to it.
I’m still dealing with this now so here is what I’m doing: I’m not playing as many games at the moment (I’m watching streams and talking to friends who I sometimes play with but not often). I’m trying to understand why they had to take sides – I’ve never understood the whole ‘well if he isn’t talking to this person neither am I’ mindset, but somehow even as adults that crap is common amongst gaming groups. The way I’ve chosen to look at it is: while I’d never talk crap about him behind his back- I have no idea what he has told them about me or how he told the story of why we no longer talk. I can be upset they didn’t come to me to ask me about things, but I cannot be mad at them for listening to whatever he has said about whatever role I played in his story.
I reach out every once in a while. There were people I adored and they no longer respond at all. And the one I thought wouldn’t still hits me up from time to time and it’s nice. I’m pretty much done with the check ins though, as they go nowhere. People aren’t always permanent. They come. They go. Some make things better, some make things worse. I never made friends online until 2021 and the first person I ever got close to via a game no longer talks to me. There have been very, very few that have actually lingered at this point and we don’t do things together constantly, but if I message them they are always there.
I say build your own discord server, and you can probably end up with a new group of people pretty quickly. What sort of games do you enjoy playing?
Better focus on your other (real) friends.
At the end of the day, they picked sides and didn’t pick your side. The reasons are deeply unfair, but it’s their decision to make. There is no point to waste your time and energy for people who decided you were expendable, they are not worth it.
Given the age gap. The guy should be excluded. Not you. I hope you find better friends. These ones suck.
40 💀💀
This sucks sometimes when it comes to groups. But bottom line, they value him more in the group and chose his inclusion over yours. You will never be let back in.
Obviously they are his friends first. Just take your leave and focus on your own friends.
Are they a group of guys?
Prick friend groups like that, always makes bets on who or which guy is gonna score.
Move on and get friends who are mature for their age.
Welcome to the club. Happened to me, too
Ewww! On all fronts. Dude’s 40 and can’t handle polite rejection?
These other ‘friends’ are definitely not worth any further thought from you. What would they have you do? Sleep with some old guy in order to maintain superficial online relationships with them? What a fucking joke!
Focus on your real friends. Let them carry on with their twisted little cult.
These aren’t friends. They’re people on the internet you play games with. Friends wouldn’t drop you like this because you rejected a creep who is 15 years older than you.
Go focus on the people in your life who are actually there – in real life – and who treat you well.
This guy is 20 years older, it’s probably for the best if you leave the group and move on.
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Something I learned about online friends during Covid – it can be a LOT easier for some of them to walk away over a small thing. For some people online always feels more pretend. I’d focus on your in person friends.
They clearly picked sides and your side wasn’t the one picked. It’s very unfortunate and unfair but it happens.
I’m surprised no one else has said this but even though you didn’t tell anyone about what happened, he sure as hell might’ve. People are very quick at saying they weren’t your real friends, but maybe he told them lies about you? I mean it wouldn’t hurt to ask them, maybe individually or create a group dm where you explain yourself and state your worries and how you feel you’ve been excluded on unfair grounds.
If they’re all around his age, then maybe they understood that he was grooming you a little bit and tolerated you until that was no longer a possibility then shunned you.
Either just walk away, or walk away saying:
I thought of y’all as friends and felt like part of the group. It surprises me that when Davy asked to be more than friends, and I nicely declined, suddenly I’m never invited back and no one says a word about it. As though my main value is as a love interest for him; or I was only welcome for his sake. Please know how icky that is. Don’t do this to any more women.
Personally I’d be creeped out.
They’re not your friends and do you really want people like that as friends ?
I don’t understand your position on this: we are agreeing that the group was closer to the 40 year old guy. Friends, buddies whatever.
If they all didn’t know what was going on, how did they all know to stop inviting OP to events?
You ain’t misinterprering anything, if any i’ll frame the situation for You:
1) the dude probably had interest in You for a while.
2) he was very cautious with his moves as to not fuck yo his chances with You (Big mistake on him).
3) however, he has a high standing within the group.
4) those “Friends” are his Friends, not yours, they gravitate to him and his peers with similar standing within that circle.
5) they probably know what happened and he surely didn’t ask them to stop contact with You, but they value him more (for reasons 3 and 4) than they value You, so though they remain amicable they won’t pull You in to avoid causing him discomfort and in turn risking their standing in the group or Even threatening its cohesion.
You have it right, no hard feelings, it’s just human Nature and now go to your other Friends.
These guys Will remain amicable, they don’t have a problem with You however won’t risk their place or standing in the group for You.
If those people DON’T SEE the giant glaring PROBLEM with HIM 40M going after a 25F!!!! then fucking RUN, girl, far from all of them!!!!
This happened to me a few years before I met my now fiancé.
Her and I seemed to hit it off but she turned me down and I thought we could go back to being friends. I never got invited back to play videogames with them again.
Turns out she just liked the attention I gave her and ended up going back to her ex, who was also in the same group.
Forget them, move on and make real friends 🙂
Unfortunately, they are picking him over you because he’s the main character in the group. Move onto your other friends. He’s acting very childish so it’s good that you refused him.
Im going to go against the grain here and not join in on reddits righteousness masturbation.
Consider that friendships are contextual and if the 40m is one of the main people pulling the group together then alot of the other people will still socialize with him but not you for no other reason than for their own comfort.
I have seen this happen so many times when people have a fight or someone moves away in a friendgroup and that person is the driving force organising the friends to hang out people will stop hanging out or choose to engage that person because he/she is the key to having fun in a group setting.
These friends of yours might well like you and Harbour no ill will, but at the same time realise that he is a key to having fun in a group setting and therefore invest their time with him.
You will have very very few friends that are ride or die in your life.
Alot of people have none.
Sounds like they were his friends not yours.
Let it go, they are his friends
Leave this friend group behind.
Side note: A 40 yo has no business with a 25 yo! OP is smart in not “giving him a chance”, and he proved it by acting like a baby with the friend group.
Dude he started high school when you started breathing screw them
Ask the women in the group to game with you. I have had BS like this happen to me so many times in my life and I can tell you becoming friends with men is not worth the drama. Now that I’m married all my male friends are either my husband’s friends that I only see when he’s around or my friend’s husbands that I see when I’m hanging with my girlfriends.