My boyfriend \[29M\] and I \[29F\] have been long distance for some time now in the US. I feel like we have poor conflict resolution, and compounded with the fact that we don’t get much in-person time together it leads to explosive arguments. Lately, everything, and I mean even the smallest things lead to an argument. The latest argument we had was he did not feel supported during a time of stress, but I did not even know he was stressed out to begin with. I’ve also had little opportunity to even ask how he’s been doing because we’ve both been busy and have been speaking on the phone for like 10-15 minutes at the most. I told him that we have different communication styles and being told explicitly how he feels and what he needs from me is helpful. He’s been feeling like I’m not someone he can depend on, and that I’m not a very supportive partner. I’ve started to grow resentful because all I hear about is everything I do wrong and it’s difficult to not take it personally. I am not meeting his standards are a significant other constantly but I’m mostly upset that it turns into a blown up argument rather than a calm conversation bout what he expects. We have looked into a couples therapy but have had difficulty finding a therapist that would be licensed in different geographic regions. Does anyone have suggestions either on 1) finding a therapist that can help long distance couples and is licensed for multiple states or 2) how to improve conflict resolution when both people have different communication styles?
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TLDR: My partner (29M) and I (29F) are long distance and having communication issues. I’m not aware of his expectations, and am failing to meet them. We’re constantly having emotionally charged arguments with no resolution.
4 comments
So wait.
He’s getting mad at you for not reading his mind and you think this is on YOU to fix?
This doesn’t sound like a LDR issue, it sounds like a him issue. How is he supposed to read your mind?
The first thing to do if you want to get out of this dynamic is ….listen, listen more and talk very little. Listen some more. Don’t react if he says something that ticks you off.
That way you find out where he is coming from, what’s going on in his head.
Ask a polite question or two. And if asked you are “fine” “no problem”
He will come around soon, wonder why you dont react to his demands.
If at that time you decide you still want to have a relationship with him, you know a lot more than when you both talk or God forbid, you share your own concerns.
Either he is simply selfish or self centered, or the times you have to talk are so limited and he tries to fit everything into 15 minutes. Good luck to the male/female dynamic!
How long have you been together? Have you ever lived in the same place?