I [24F] am in a 4 year long relationship with my fiancee [30M]. I found out that he’s messaging other women and I am conflicted on how to proceed. I love him, we’re in the process of wedding planning and he asked me a few days ago when we will go shopping for wedding rings. I’m currently questioning everything.
A bit of history first:
We have known each other for 6 years, but 4 years ago we hit it off after a party at a friend’s house. He was flirting with me even though he was in a relationship. I didn’t want to entertain it unless he breaks up (his relationship was already dead at that point). He did it a few weeks later and only then I agreed to go on a date with him, with no promises of sex or anything until I got to know him better. And it was like a fairytale.
We clicked and I knew from date one that he’s my other half and I still feel like it. He has flaws, but I love him. Quarantine made us strong and last January we bought an apartment, mortgage on both of our names 50:50.
We hit a rough spot this spring, when I quit the second job to focus more on my studies. I felt unappreciated during that time, because even though I still had my duties and needed to focus on studying most of the day, I did all of the household work. Little to no help from his side, he spent his free time with friends. But we talked about it and I thought it was smoothed. He even proposed after my finals and I was happy.
Our biggest fight happened 2 months ago, when I found empty condom box in his car after music fest. He admitted that he lent the car to his friend to hookup in it. This guy is married, with a baby on a way and his wife is a sweet lady. I was so angry that he covers for his coward friend and wanted to tell the wife, but at the end didn’t (now regret it). But now I maybe understand his reasons for sympathy with cheating friends…
TO THE CURRENT PROBLEM:
My laptop died and I was using his (we know each others passwords and aren’t protective with our devices). I opened Facebook to log into my account, but before I unlogged him I noticed there was an open window with message from another girl. Before my eyes appeared his reply and the girl instantly replied back (I was at home, he was messaging from his phone at work). I was never jealous type, but this crushed me. It was some random drunk girl we met few days ago in a city and he was sending her messages with wink and kiss emojis. I had a slight panic attack, because I felt so betrayed.
I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I had to know more. Later I opened the chat and read it whole. He talked about how unsatisfied he is, that he makes so much compromises for me, that I don’t appreciate him as much as I used to etc. He complimented her so much, even proposed to meet with the girl that day – she knows he’s engaged and asked if I don’t mind. His response: Just don’t tell her. Now they plan to meet next week.
I had to know more about the person I plan to marry, and I found another chats, the worst was with a girl we met the day of my finals, when I was completely exhausted from studying, stress and lack of sleep. I left early and apparently he talked with her for hours and later messaged her. The same spiel about a bad relationship and he even asked if she would be open to be his term lover. Luckily this girl eventually ghosted him, but never let me know.
I’m currently crushed and don’t know what to do. My trust is broken. We have an apartment together and neither of us can afford it alone, we would have to sell it. I’ll finish school at the end of September and until then I can’t afford to have a full time job now.
I’m finishing my master’s in a nearby city and he has a full time job in our home city, so in the last year I spent about 50% time at home and the other at school, where I also work. I used to had two jobs to earn some money, save it and not be a burden for him, we always paid 50:50. During that time I earned more than him, but for the last 4 months I only had one part time job and I’m paid less than him, but still paying my half of rent. I even transfer him regularly more money for gas (I don’t drive) and do 100% of chores.
I still love him and I believe that he hasn’t cheated on me physically (yet), but I don’t know if I can trust him in the future, have children with him etc. I never noticed any signs, he was so affectionate yesterday, we had the best sex in a while, all that after he spent a whole day on line with some other girl. He says how much he loves me all the time. But now I feel like a dumb girl that will only serve him as a home carer. I see now many flaws, but I still love him so much.
Should I confront him now or hold it until I can move out in 2 months? Sorry for the messy post, I’m not well right now. I’m also slightly on the autistic spectrum, therefore I am sometimes confused and lost in social situations. Feel free to ask for additional details, but please don’t repost.
TLDR: Fiancee of 4 years is actively messaging with others, proposing secret meet ups and sex, while I’m taking care of his every need, completely unaware that he’s unhappy. But he hasn’t cheated on me yet. Can’t afford to move out now.
6 comments
You had him leave his girlfriend for you, he was completely willing to cheat on his gf at the time with you. They say how you get him is how you’ll lose him. He’s just a cheater, he won’t change just because you get married.
Confront him now
Your groomer probably looks for younger girls now.
So he’s done to you what he did to his previous gf? You flirted with him when he was still with his ex. Now he’s moving on to someone else while he’s still with you. Do you see the pattern here?
He’s not marriage material. I’d say that he’ll cheat on you for definite because he’s immature and selfish and one of those who is always thinking the grass is greener.
Spare yourself the heartache. Do not marry him.
I’d say her probably cheated on you and you know it. He is cheating on you emotionally. That empty condom box? Yea, definitely his. He has a pattern that began before you. You said it yourself, he was in a relationship when y’all met. That said, you have time. But do you want to engage physically with him anymore? What if he gives you an STD? You won’t get past this and your fooling yourself if you think you will. I was engaged when I found out my ex was cheating. Found messages because his phone wouldn’t stop singing when he was passed out after a long night that involved cheating while I was at the same wedding with him…plan how you can leave, then do it.
He cheated on his girlfriend with you. He is cheating on you now while your engaged with him. Please get of this relationship. There is no doubt that he will cheat in the future. Then in the future you’ll have to spends money on divorce attorneys. Please get out of this relationship.