**Skip ahead if you don’t like reading…**
So I have severe social anxiety along with a diagnosis of BPD. I’m in a relationship but my partner and I are gonna be long distance for the foreseeable future. I have no close friends to speak of and so my therapist encouraged me to find a community of like-minded people as a way of developing my social skills (I spent most of my 20s isolated, am 32 now) and hopefully making a few connections.
I did what he said and found a Buddhist temple near my home (edit: I chose this because I’m interested in Buddhism!) which on paper ticks all of the right boxes: most of the people who go there are around my age, they do lots of events throughout the week and there is a big emphasis on community and friendship. Again, sounds perfect, right?
**…here! Stop here**
Well, the problem I’m having is this: due to my social anxiety + social skills deficit, I tend to be awkward and shy (big surprise, I know), and as a result of this I’ve already made a few people uncomfortable to the point where they have (politely) made some excuse to end the conversation and walk away from me. So on one hand I want to keep going to this group because it’s an opportunity to practice and meet people, but at the same time I’m tempted to stop going because I’m afraid that if I continue making people uncomfortable i will eventually alienate myself from the entire community and wind up feeling like an even bigger failure than before.
This is why all the advice of “you’ve just got to get out there, learn by doing, learn by practising” is difficult for me to accept. Because at the end of the day the people in the community aren’t going to wait for me to become a socially competent person before they form an opinion about me. Therefore it’s conceivable that I could end up giving everybody there the ick before I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and show them my inner value.
I’m really not sure what to do. I try to tell myself that if worse comes to worst I can just find another community, but believe me when I say that this place really seems to be as good as it’s going to get for me. I genuinely feel like if I can’t make it work there I’m not going to be able to make it work anywhere. I know putting all this pressure on myself and beating myself up isn’t helping but it’s just kind of where my mind goes…yeah, I don’t know what to do
**tl;dr I found a community but now I feel like I’m alienating people there with my awkwardness and I don’t know what to do**
2 comments
You made a mistake – you didnt actually think about the advice besides finding a community of similarly-aged people that gather for events. Your therapist said to find like-minded people; they share the same age yes, but did you know anything about any of them when you first went there besides the fact that they attend events at a Buddhist temple? If you’re looking to train your social skills as an awkward person what you really need is a common interest with the people in a community, and you probably wont find that at church events which are pretty much an excuse for friends to meet each other and show off their devotion to their religion. Go find something that interests you, preferably an activity-focused hobby to alleiviate awkward moments that are sure to happen while you’re trying to grow out of it.
>This is why all the advice of “you’ve just got to get out there, learn by doing, learn by practicing” is difficult for me to accept. Because at the end of the day the people in the community aren’t going to wait for me to become a socially competent person before they form an opinion about me. Therefore it’s conceivable that I could end up giving everybody there the ick before I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and show them my inner value.
I think that you think that this is what’s happening, but it is not.
You are approaching this exercise and homework from your therapist as Already Failed.
You will make zero progress when you assume that you’ve already lost.
“Inner Value” is a very silly phrase. There’s no such thing as Inner Value when in social situations. There’s what people see and experience and learn, and then there’s everything else.
>That’s the thing. I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kinda think that all you are is just the things that you do.
You’re right. They will not wait for you to show them who you are. So you have to do that. Or not. Splitting is a bitch when it comes to figuring out action plans, but there really are only two choices ahead of you. Show this Inner Value of yours, or don’t.
You don’t control people’s reactions, responses, or actions. You can control your own. It does sound like you have some self awareness about your own shortcomings, so I would be direct with your therapist and tell them in no uncertain terms “Hey, so I tried X and I think Y and Z are still getting in the way. What skills or advice do you have for me?”
That will be hard to do. But it’s all there is to do, besides stay where you are in your head.
Progress is not coasting on the downhill. Progress is socking the gears back to first and going up the hill.