My girlfriend and I met on Tinder and we (or at least I) fell for each other hard. We went on three dates and only kissed. On the fourth date we had sex but literally the night before she was hooking up with someone else (also for the first time) that she met on Tinder. She had sex with this person at least one more time early in our relationship. We hadn’t explicitly talked about exclusivity but I think it was pretty clear that I thought we were exclusive. I didn’t know about any of this until recently and I can’t help feeling like I was cheated on. We have talked about the beginning of our relationship and she had lied saying that she’d had been on dates when we first met but hadn’t done anything with anyone once she started seeing me. She only recently came clean and told me that it had been more than just meeting people and there had been sex involved. Am I crazy for being upset about things that happened in the first month of our relationship? I turned down a dream job opportunity after we had been dating for 2 months to be with her and we have stuck together for this long so it seemed worth it but now I feel like if I had known about this I wouldn’t have stayed and the whole relationship feels tainted.
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Is not about what happen, it is for the lie, that thing put everything in perspective, she was serius about us? i was her first choice or the second one? she is with me because she chose me or the other guy didn’t pick her? and many other questions.
i don’t get why at this late on the game she decided to come clean. Is like some twisted game and she is puting you thru some shit to see how you react.
You ar right to feel a little betrayed, is an emotion and if you didn’t feel a thing, well, it would indicate some level of sociopathy.
Anyway, sit, talk and move forward together or apart, is up to you.
Eh, she was shopping around and see who she liked most. Unless you guys explicitly said you were exclusive then you don’t have any reason to be mad about it. You can be upset about her lying, but its honestly non of your business to know about her dating life.
So she was slept another guy and then she came over the next night and slept with you. Cheating or not cheating. I would be out.
No you are not unreasonable.
You were lied to in order to manipulate your opinion and chances of achieving and then maintaining a relationship. If you knew, it was likely this would have been a stumbling block, or at least she thought that with the lies.
You will hear from people that she “picked you” and that you “didnt discuss exclusivity”, the usual bullshit that ignores the point: She tricked you. If she is sleeping with others around the time you are getting intimate that is a potential hazard you have a right to know from a health perspective. Can you trust someone that is happy lying to you that they used condoms?
If dating around is fine (and provided you are up front about it then it could be), why lie about it? Not only was it a lie of omission, it soon became an outright lie in your relationship. One that only after three years she feels comfortable enough knowing you that sunk cost will help sweep this under the carpet.
Its not three years ago for you. Its right bloody now. Be displeased. Be disappointed. Be sensible. You turned down a lot to be with her on the basis of who you thought she was as well as how you interpreted her actions and behaviours to you. It may well be that she has tried to be kind to you and support you, but this is going to be a poison between you. If you stay, and thats a fairly big if, couples counselling.
Don’t use tinder to find a partner lol
It sounds like she started the relationship with lies. This strains an important foundation in any relationship: trust. Do you feel like you can trust her anymore?
get over it or don’t it’s up to you. tbh tho your gf doesn’t necessarily seem in the wrong. if no one had defined the relationship then she was free to sleep with whoever. now hopefully she and you used protection and she used it with other person. if she didnt require it of you tho id get tested on the low because that means they probably didnt need other guy to either. yall were meeting from tinder. did you not expect her to talk to other people on it? plus 3 dates…. yeah not committed relationship by then more than likely. now I don’t have a timeline of your relationship exactly or know any of the details between you, but I think maybe your reaction to her telling you this stuff kinda shows why she wasn’t comfortable telling you prior. also my advice is don’t worry about past focus on here and now just set a boundary for future anything slightly nonmonogamous and you dip. seems like you got a decent thing going on. if I had to guess you were relatively sexually inexperienced and your gf was not so she assumed no exclusivity and you like someone that hadn’t slept around much at 22 did not think that was even on the table. my advice is just get over it if this is all the issues youve had.
My thinking is that if you’re sleeping around casually, which I will emphasize is 100% fine as long as you’re being safe, then you need to be upfront about that. You shouldn’t hide in the “well, we didn’t SAY we were exclusive…” bullshit. Just use your words and explain the situation.
And now we have this, where alllll of this could have been prevented by ONE little conversation from her. And sure, you might have been like… oh… well… how do you feel about being exclusive? And THEN had the conversation.
OTOH, never assume you’re exclusive. Just ask. But of course, none of that helps you now. I don’t know, man. How is she acting with it? Is she apologetic and understanding why you’re mad? Or defensive and telling you to get over it, “it’s in the past”, etc. Remember that it’s in the past for her, but you just found out now. It’s still fresh, and she needs to treat it as such.
If she seems sincere and apologetic then it’s worth a try, but if she shuts you down or tells you your feelings aren’t important, or to get over it already? Mmmm. Maybe not.
Well she lied. So your relationship is built on a lie. And do you really want to be with a woman that can bang two guys back to back like that?
Dude she’s not a keeper, you were supposed to fuck her and move on like everyone else did.
Yikes bro, it’s always a red flag when they have sex on a first date just not with you. One thing I always respect from people is consistency, if you’re a hookup person you’re a hookup person, but don’t come to me asking to take things slow while you HU right and left
INFO: Has anything else in your relationship been like this, or is it limited to the first month?
It matters because people change. You aren’t dating who she was three years ago. You’re dating who she is now.
So who is she right now?
I’m guessing that your GF didn’t see you two as exclusive at the time. She may have even been talking to the other guy before you. She was dating and playing the field as many single people do. She obviously ended up choosing you though, and that should make you feel pretty good, right? She probably didn’t want to tell you straight up she hooked up with another guy she was dating because, in her view, you weren’t official yet and therefore none of your business. I’d let it go if it were me, especially if she has always been honest and trustworthy since you all were officially exclusive.
I don’t think you were cheated on. Exclusively is a black and white conversation, not an assumption. That being said, she lied about having sex with other people. That is a huge red flag and I think it’s reasonable to be upset. I understand why you feel the relationship is tainted, and I hope you take the time you need to process this and make a decision that makes sense for you.
YOU WERE NOT IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Yea you need to get over it. If you like her don’t look for these petty things to be upset about.
> I turned down a dream job opportunity after we had been dating for 2 months to be with her
You cannot hold this against her. This was your own decision. 2 months is not nearly enough time to know someone well.
I find the new “standard” of where you can have multiple dates and it is still perfectly fine to fuck around pretty distributing.
If i would be in your situation i would think about as if we would be in that stage of the relationship when this thinks happend and would decide from this viewpoint then everything after that was built on false assumptions.
Never ever turn down anything life changing for a new relationship. Lol but hey you met her on tinder, it’s for hooking up. Not going to find any saints on there.
You couldn’t pay me to be 25 again and in the dating scene….
You weren’t cheated on as you were not exclusive. However, you now know what type of person she is and if your not ok with it then move on.
She lied. That’s never “okay”, but it happens. But lying about sex is just never okay. Period.
Wow. In all honesty, that’s probably not something you’ll be getting over anytime soon. The amount of trust issues that will be developing isn’t worth keeping the relationship.
If I were you I would break up for the sake of your mental health and not driving yourself insane. You’re still young and I can guarantee that this information came out for a reason. Clearly y’all weren’t meant to be and it’s good that you found this out before you married her or had kids. It won’t be easy to just break up and get over it, but it’ll be worth it.
I’m sorry that you were lied to, it’s not fair but I can assure you that karma will come back to get her and hopefully good will come your way and maybe you’ll get that dream job.
Well, i went through the exact same thing .. it is mostly about breaking your trust. It is extremely reasonable what you are experiencing.
I did stay and tried to suck it up because ir the context, the time frame and not having the talk of being exclusive.
The other reason i stayed is because i learnt about the full story later on when i was more invested in the relationship.
Spoiler alert, what came after was painful and pushed me away from the person i was and liked to be, as I never trusted him again and was always doubtful of his whereabouts.
What you need to think is that you have learned that your partner who has great qualities is also capable of this and actually can carry on with this.
And it is also the pain of knowing your partner, your story and your idea of you two together is different from that perfect image you had created. You have lost something.
But also appreciate the Fact that sooner or later you heard it from her and not from others. At some point she did admit and remained accountable.
So unless you can forgive and you are both willing to work on this, you may consider moving on.
Sometimes is not entirely about what they have done but how they deal with it.
Hope you find the right choice for you or the one that brings more peace of mind.