I’ve been dating a man I met through mutual acquaintances for about 4 months now. Long story short, everything has been going so smoothly. He truly checks every single box for me. I won’t bore you with the details but he is very stable and emotionally mature and has said he is at the age where he “isn’t dating just for fun and wants to make things last as far as they can go”.
We’ve talked about the future casually and had the “exclusivity” conversation pretty early on. But 2 months ago I really noticed I was initiating the more serious conversations. Once I bring things up he is a very great communicator and listener. But I have had to lead the emotional growth and decision making of every relationship in my past and I don’t want to shoulder that responsibility again.
Sometime last month I shared how I felt and told him it meant a lot to me that he initiates conversations like this because it tells me he’s invested in the relationship. He was very responsive and said he would work on it. But it’s been a month and a half and he hasn’t done it.
We don’t call each other partners/bf/gf yet and I told myself that if he didn’t bring it up within the month I would end things because I don’t want to spend years(?) initiating those conversations. It makes me feel like he will never be able to tell me he loves me, ask to move in, propose, *really* discuss kids, etc.
I don’t really know what to do from here since he is genuinely such a dream to be around in every other way. I REALLY want things to work out, but I can’t be in another relationship where I have to ask someone to talk to me.
What would you do at this junction?
tl;dr – I’ve initiated all of the “serious convos” with the person I’ve been dating and don’t want this to become a recurring issue. I wanted him to initiate making it “official”. would u end things?
Edit: by “we had the exclusivity chat” i meant we discussed not sleeping with other people, that was basically it.
31 comments
Propose the ultimatum: Give you the efforts and establish an official relationship or admit that its more than he can afford to do and walk away peacefully.
Can’t lose time waiting for things to happen.
Well men are a lot more cautious these days. A lot of them are not even dating. However, please understand that 4 months isn’t that long before getting serious. But the truth is what kind of guy is he? If he is as we used to call them a players then he is not going to probably ever get serious. If he is a regular guy then he is probably just being cautious. Have some patience with him. If he is going to come around then he will come around. Have the talk with him of what are his life goals. Is he looking to advance the relationship or not. Compare your life goals and see if you are compatible.
You haven’t met his family or friends yet? Has he met yours?
maybe he is ready for a relationship but not with you..
seriously now, 4 months its past beyong the for fun and casual, have you guys confessed feelings for each other? if so whats that youre waiting for? he posting you oon socials or??
if he has confessed his feelings idk what else you expect
I don’t really understand why it is an ongoing conversation and not just a simple “do you want to be exclusive?” Convo.
Wait, so did you both decide to be exclusive with each other when you had the “exclusivity” convo?
After 4 months, I would just let things happen and develop naturally – I don’t get the pressure of needing to put a label on things and align goals straight away. We are talking romantic relationship with feelings here, not a business transactions with set targets and a penalty clause if he fails to meet his milestones.
OP, i would back-off from raising the topic at all. I would give yourself an internal timeline of 3-6 months and go about just being light and happy/having fun in the relationship. Toward the end of your timeline i would (which will be 9-12 months by that time, AMPLE time for him) –dip in again and if you dont sense any growth or progression.. time for a “you’re wonderful, but we might just want different things here… ” (if he returns this with apathy, or agrees with you — then you need to walk). If he wants a future with you — he will say it.
After 4 months yes you need to establish labels and exclusivity
Don’t wait for him to read your mind. Tell him what you want – “I would like this relationship to be exclusive and I want to call you my boyfriend. What do you think?” Maybe he’ll be very keen, then problem solved. Maybe he’ll hem and haw, then you know he’s wasting your time and you can move on.
As a 43 year old man: you need to be direct. Straight up as what his long term intentions are. Make it clear you see it as exclusive with possible marriage in the future (if you do)
Allot of men prefer clear direct communication. Allot of men don’t have the need to deep conversations, even if they are serious with you. You may not able to ever change that, so if it’s a deal breaker it’s a deal breaker.
Personally I fall out of love if the deep emotional communication isn’t there. But I don’t think that’s typical. Most my friends are much more “uncomplicated”
What you are describing is very common, and doesn’t have to mean the doesn’t want to commit. As directly, if the answer is positive maybe give it some time. If you don’t get a clear answer, you know. But sometimes we need to be put on the spot. Don’t beat around the bush, allot of guys hate that.
But yeah at 4 months I would know if I would marry her in the future or not.
Maybe just make a plan to enjoy a timeframe with no pressure – 2 months or more likely 8 months. Just be.
Just be together, and don’t bring it up, don’t play for keeps.
At the end of that year, in your heart, you’ll know if you have a future.
If he is still noncommittal, let him know it has been wonderful, but you don’t feel like he is interested in a long term relationship. Say, maybe you’ll even hang out some, but you’re going to start dating again. Tell him you could see being with him, but it’s clear he doesn’t from his actions, and it’s been fun.
And walk out the door.
The question is what choice to make when he calls you later.
Honestly, 4 months is nothing. What are the “deep conversations” you feel like having at this stage (apart from the one you mention regarding exclusivity)?
I would have the “hey, so just so I know going forward, do you consider us to be exclusive?”
If, after 4 months of dating, it is anything but a yes, I’d drop him. Don’t fall for the “don’t sleep with other people, but also I’m not fully committed to you” trap, either.
It may be totally innocent. I’ve had people I went out with assume exclusivity after date 3, and a conversation keeps everyone on the same page.
As many relationship coaches suggest, don’t ask about the state of the relationship. Tell the other person where you want it to be and see if they agree. So, if you want to be exclusive, tell him and see if he is at the same place. If not, then you have to decide how long you want to wait with him or to leave.
I understand you’d rather not be the one to bring it up. You want him to do so. He may do it tonight or one week from now or 7 months from now or never. If you believe you can help him grow in this emotional intelligence/ sharing area and think positively of him otherwise, I suggest you go ahead and broach the subject. But, if his lack of initiation and communication are deal breakers right now, don’t.
I think the trick for you – based on some of your wording – is figuring out if this man is capable of opening up, initiating, etc. in general or just isn’t there with you yet. You can probably only really figure this out by observing him with family and close friends or asking about past relationships. But, either way, no one usually gets better with this kind of thing unless in a relationship with someone and practicing, feeling safe, receiving positive feedback after taking action or being vulnerable, etc. So, if he doesn’t have it, I think it is likely useless to expect it of him unless you are leading the way to teach him and role model for him.
I think it is also important to know how you both view timelines for relationships or if you have unwritten rules about “usual timing” in your minds. If he is one of the “it takes three years minimum” kind of people, it wouldn’t surprise me that he hasn’t done much differently in the last 6 weeks or that he isn’t super-motivated to have exclusivity discussions.
Some people just aren’t built that way to be focused on the deeper, more emotional aspects or to lead. Or, they aren’t that way until / unless they go through major trials and struggles to realize the importance of it or learn it “on the job” with someone they love. And, if you are built that way and it is of great importance to you and if you have negative residue from having to lead it in the past, I think you need to weigh how much potential in other areas you see in him. And, maybe even more importantly, I think you need to zero in on the exact bottom-line feelings you have when he isn’t initiating and why you feel that way. Does it make you feel unloved? Unprotected? Not a priority? Feel alone? Feel burdened and used? Remind you of someone or a relationship from your childhood? Feel worried because you fear you’re wasting time? Remind you of a specific semi-unrelated issue or feeling that came from one of your prior relationships when you had to lead? It may be something that he does need to develop and work on to be in a long-term relationship with you, but it may also be something you may want to explore about yourself.
Anecdotally, I think that women are often ready to take the next steps and often find themselves having to bring up these conversations. I don’t think you’re experiencing anything out of the ordinary, unfortunately. You and I just happen to think that is not ideal. And, we could go into all sorts of reasons why this has gotten worse in recent generations. I just keep telling my friends how important it is to teach their sons about this… and, especially, for the fathers to teach and role model this. I know it is more common among men in certain demographics, but overall, it has been on the decline. And, many of us completely understand what you’re feeling and what you’ve experienced in the past.
>But 2 months ago I really noticed I was initiating the more serious conversations
All two of them. In two months. I’m sorry this just doesn’t seem like much to me. You wanted to move a little faster than he did so you brought things up first. Someone has to, and in this case it was you.
>Sometime last month I shared how I felt and told him it meant a lot to me that he initiates conversations like this
What conversations are you imagining here? How often are you having “serious” conversations about the relationship, and how often do you think those are supposed to be happening in the first four months?
I understand you’ve been burned in the past but I truly don’t even understand what your expectations are here.
Have you considered the fact that he already believes you’re bf/gf? Maybe he thinks this with the exvlusive status so obviously he won’t think to bring it up again.
I will say, I’m the person who has initiated every stage of growth on my relationship and I don’t regret it. Do I wish my husband had initiated the milestones? Yes. Do I love him deeply and think I wouldn’t rather be with a single other person? Yes. Does he spoil me relentlessly? Absolutely. I’m really happy and that was a small sacrifice.
Just ask him to be your boyfriend or refer to him as your boyfriend while out in public (an ex did this to me to signal that I was her bf), if you love him, tell him that you love him(no sense in waiting until he says it first). If his reaction is not to your liking, leave dude alone.
I think you are being a little weird about it. You already agreed to exclusivity. I’d just start calling him my bf at that point. Why is it such a big deal that it has to be a conversation? Also you’re at 4 months. How many big relationship conversations do you need to be having? Could you maybe just chill for a while(like 3 months) and see if he steps up?
Back when I was single someone I was dating asked if I was serious and said he was trying to find his wife and if I wasn’t serious he was gonna move on. I really respected that
To be fair, 4 months is still quite new and I wouldn’t blame him if he takes things slow. If he is as mature as you’re stating then I would wait a bit more. Everyone is different and some people get annoyed if things aren’t official by the first month for example.
I would give him subtle hints for now unless you prefer dirext which is always better. In my case I take things slow so I get to know the person before I become absolutely committed.
You’d rather end a great thing rather than just asking him if you are serious and expressing your needs?
How has he responded when you asked about being exclusive and bf/gf?
Waiting around for someone else to have a conversation you want to have is silly. Just say it. It only needs to be had once – are you in an exclusive relationship or not.
You’re supposed to be the one to bring up exclusivity and make it happen, you’re the girl.
Guys don’t want to do that naturally. Why do you keep leaving all the burden on him? Tell him “let’s just make it official right now.”
You’re doing things in a very indirect way. Be assertive with this.
If the communication is how you feel invested in and loved then that isn’t gonna change. Decide if it is a deal breaker or not.
What conversation did you have? Because it sounds like you’ve agreed to be exclusive already? So what’s the difference between being exclusive and being his girlfriend? Like functionally what’s the difference?
You’re avoiding asking the question because you’re afraid of what the answer will be. Just get it over with and ask “Are you my boyfriend? I’d like you to be.” And go from there. Anything other than a “hell yeah” and you walk.
Stop initiating these conversations. You are a single women and need to move accordingly. Do not revolve yourself around this man. His lack of drive may be saving you from years of sadness in a horrible relationship. If he cares about you he will act to keep you. Also consider, is he checking all the right boxes because you’ve been telling him exactly which boxes to check? Stop giving him the answers and all the tools to be “mister right”. See what he does if you aren’t holding his hand and guiding him. Then youll see him for what he is and you’ll have your answer.
i suggest you look up Matthew Hussey on youtube the dude prob explain this shyt way better than 99% of redditors
I was in a similar situation FOR 3 YEARS, he NEVER asked for me to be his girlfriend he “assumed” we were a couple. But still I wasn’t happy because of his passiveness. I was constantly wondering “why didn’t he even ask?”, “is he hiding this RS?” “I bet he did it with all of his exes why not with me” and a list that could go on and on….. I broke up with him after all this time just to reassure that my values for relationship NEED a strong man with iniciative and committed, being positive owned, a man that is PROUD to call you his girlfriend.
Plus, he was a VERY GOOD listener too, and never argued, we could have “deep” conversations but no th ing changed in years.
Thats my advice for you after this loooooooong experience lol
Hugs