I’ve been dating my current BF for about 2.5 years. We have a great relationship overall and are a great fit for each other. Sex has been important to both of us and he has always been willing to help me finish via oral or his fingers and has never seemed to resent that I don’t finish from PiV. We do it pretty frequently, 3-4 times per week which seems to be a good pace for both of us. We’ll do it more if either of us is in the headspace that we need more.
Two related things have happened recently that have created a pretty significant issue. The first is that my BF came home in the middle of the day unexpectedly when I was pleasuring myself. A little background on this, my BF mentioned early in our relationship he isn’t into toys at all. He mentioned that he had never been with a girl that had used them by herself and I told him he probably just didn’t know and that using toys in my alone time was important to me. He didn’t seem thrilled, but dropped it at that point and I’ve never brought it up since to respect the fact that he isn’t comfortable with it. I’ve never tried to hide it from him, but I typically do it in the afternoon since I work from home and he is working his shift at that time. I didn’t hear him come in and he walked into the bedroom as I was in the middle of a big orgasm. As soon as I saw him I asked him to mount me, but he was fixated on the dildo I had been using. He started at me and then the dildo for around a minute without saying anything and then just walked out of the room and shut the door.
I went downstairs to talk to him and he was obviously upset. He raised lots of frustrations, that I was using toys at all, that I was “sneaking around while he wasn’t at home”, but the part he fixated on was that I was using a toy that was so much bigger than him. I was frustrated that he had all of these unspoken expectations that we had never discussed and he was now mad about and I probably made a mistake by bringing up that I thought some of this was baggage from his very religious upbringing, which he has struggled with elsewhere. I explained that I love him and love having sex with him and that has nothing to do with how large the toy I use is, it’s just what I’ve figured out works for me. He asked if I had any “normal” sized toys and I told him that I did and he became even angrier when it ultimately came down to me using the larger one because it gives me the best experience. I asked that we drop the topic as we were both obviously upset and I didn’t care for the way he was speaking to me or treating me. He asked that we revisit the issue once he had a chance to calm down and collect himself and we agreed to discuss it again in a few days.
Later, when he raised it again, he was much kinder and calmer. He started out by apologizing for how he had reacted and acknowledged it wasn’t fair to be upset about something he had never discussed. He asked me if I’d be willing to stop using toys that are larger than him, which then lead to the second part of the issue. I’ve had the personal rule that I don’t get into details about my previous sexual history because of a previous very bad experience. He has asked about my previous partners in the past and I declined to discuss it and told him that what matters is what works for both of us, not what someone else did. He said he would respect that overall, but needed to know if I had been with someone larger than him and if I O’d from penetration. I told him I wasn’t going to answer that as it couldn’t possibly help us.
He ultimately acknowledged that this has made him very insecure and doesn’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t like the idea of me preferring larger penises as it makes him feel like he is less of a man. I told him I never want him to feel that way and compared his interest in his favorite actresses who are way more traditionally attractive than I am. I said I felt a little insecure about that as well, but that I realize it’s not fair to him to have to pretend he isn’t attracted to other women. He didn’t find that persuasive at all and said he wasn’t sure how he was going to move past this unless I was willing to be honest with him about what I have experienced previously.
So here I am Reddit. I need some advice on how to proceed. It doesn’t seem likely at all that talking to him about my previous partners is going to be productive, but I’m also not thrilled about carrying his baggage every time I have some alone time. Are we in relationship therapist territory? Anyone successfully managed something like this?
26 comments
This is something he needs to work on. Unfortunately, he saw you orgasm with a large size toy and he equates that with his lack of size not giving you an orgasm. If wishes he had the same size as your toy so he could give you an orgasm like the toy does. That’s unrealistic, but that’s what’s going through his brain. No amount of talk can convince him until his mind convinces him.
Time to hit the relationship therapist.
You’re welcome to correct my if I’m wrong here and not understanding completely but I’m under the impression he didn’t know about your toys or at least in detail. It’s not information you HAVE to disclose to your partner but in my decade + of experience I have found that being transparent is much more beneficial than keeping something like this from a partner. In my situation I am the one with a higher drive(or so I thought) I also am the one who works in person all week, my wife works from home 2 days a week. I realized she was getting herself off while I was gone at work which is totally fine but it made me think back to the times I’d come home and she wasn’t interested In sex even though it’s been a few days. I would be jealous because if she would have just waited a few hours we could have gotten off together. In the end people are going to do what they want, I’ve told her that I would be happy to hear it if she were to tell me she got off while I was gone and it would also let me know she’d likely not be in the mood when I got home. Before you try therapy I’d highly recommend both being open with eachother about sex toys and how you can both find a middle ground of being comfortable. Maybe even try to send him a picture or video using one and tell him you’re wish it was him. I know at least with me just being in the loop sometimes helps.
> He mentioned that he had never been with a girl that had used them by herself
Oh, he has, he just doesn’t know it.
Sadly, he’s not unique. I’ve had a few female friend confide in me that any kind of toys were points of problems in their relationships. They wanted to have some clit stim with PIV and their BFs would lose their shit.
That opened my eyes and made me pro-toy. And I actually dig the debauchery of the really big toys too.
I also think with him, disclosing you had bigger, in particular if bigger was able to make you orgasm better, isn’t going to help. Given your ages and length of time, a sex therapist might help because he’s likely really set in his ways.
I think the issue is that he perceives himself to be “inadequate.” He feels like he isn’t “enough.”
The toy and the penis size are the same issue. “If I was enough to satisfy you, you wouldn’t need any toys at all.” “If my penis was large enough to satisfy you, you wouldn’t need larger toys.”
Something that might help is reframing the issue. The more times you confront the thinking error, the more likely he is to make his peace with it. If he doesn’t make this thinking error in other parts of your relationship, it can help him understand the healthy way of thinking about this issue.
Do you enjoy performing oral sex on each other? Hand stimulation? Does that mean that one persons penis/vagina isn’t “enough?”
He might say, “that’s different, we do it to each other.” Well…
Has he ever masturbated during the relationship? His hand feels different than a vagina/mouth—does that mean your body isn’t “enough?”
Has he dated anyone before you? Even if their bodies were shaped similarly, they can’t be exactly the same. Does that mean your body isn’t “enough,” because certain parts are bigger/smaller/shaped differently than his previous relationships?
Does he look at pornography? Those bodies are shaped differently than yours and he is using them to orgasm. Does that mean that your body isn’t “enough?”
If you were to wear a sexy lingerie/outfit/costume, or a wig, or dye your hair, would he find the change in your appearance to be sexy? Does that mean that your normal appearance isn’t “enough?”
My guess: he’s probably ok with most of the things I listed above. Which means that he understands why you do not find his penis to be inadequate. The dildo isn’t “better” or “worse” than his penis, it’s just different, the same way a mouth or hand or vagina is. The same way that lingerie or a sexy nightie is different than normal pajamas.
Hopefully he can see the ways where his current issue is inconsistent with his other beliefs, and this will lead to healing for him.
Toys do not feel like a human penis to me, there’s something about the texture, density and temperature that just don’t match up. I’m also not going to use a replica of any of my bfs dicks for my rare alone time fun, I want something just for me that has nothing to do with anyone else. So it doesn’t matter what size or shape my toys are because they aren’t about human contact, their about self care and just me time.
If you’re anything like me, you’re welcome to show this to your bf if you think it’ll help him understand.
Out of curiosity, are you able to orgasm from penetration only when using one of your “him” size dildos?
Is is possible that it is the amount of time and exact spots you are able hit with the dildo that allow you to orgasm from it, rather than the size of the dildo alone?
If that is the case, you can explain to him that it’s not the size of the dildo (or penis) that matters, but the proper amount of thrusting in the right spot, which of course, you can control perfectly when doing it yourself, yet is much more difficult to achieve with partner piv.
Just an idea that might help diffuse his size concerns.
I think your relationship is about to be tested to its absolute limit and the impression I get is that it will be easier to break it than to hold on to it. I didn’t get that your bf is against you masturbating just that he’s not into toys and was in denial or genuinely ignorant of you using one, let alone such a big one.
You can’t hide it now so you need to explain it in a way that he can reconcile which I suspect is close to the truth anyway, that this can only give you one thing, filling you up more than any penis in existence, because that’s all it can do – it can’t make love to you.
After that its about how much you want to keep him. Avoid giving in about your past if you can, but if you have to then the one white lie comes in here, his is the biggest you ever had! If he’s a decent size and you phrase your reasons for not talking about your past as being nothing to do with their physique, he might just take it.
Then, be willing to sacrifice the toy for now on the understanding that he will make the effort to understand your need for it and try to bring it back later. But ultimately this might become a choice between him and the toy. I think he’s probably way too old for therapy.
Finally, any of the ‘man up’ suggestions are only likely to leave you single really quickly.
I’ll see him over at r/gettingbigger LOL
So he made a best guess that you can orgasm from PIV with a dildo bigger than him, have probably had a previous boyfriend with a larger penis that made you orgasm from PIV while he can’t due to his size. You also mention in the post that you actually prefer larger penises.
So why is everyone in this post acting like it would it be bad for the guy to feel upset or insecure in this situation? The situation genuinely sucks for him and OP not wanting to discuss is letting his mind go wild with this information.
Just be open with him OP. Answer his questions. If you love sex with him as is then tell him that and make it super clear that toys and past experiences exist but are in the past for a reason. If you prefer larger penises then there’s gotta be a better way to frame that to him but just be honest and focus on why you are with him.
I will get downvoted for this but not talking about things and telling him to go see a therapist is a gigantic cop-out. YOU are his partner and that’s no way to handle the situation. Unless you have nothing to say to him that could offer him peace of mind of course…
If I were in that situation and my girlfriend told me to go see a therapist instead of talking through it I’d probably just leave tbh
Because you didn’t answer his question the answer is yes in his mind and we will keep pondering it, should have just told him yes to make piece with it faster or yes to one part and not the other truthfully. Idk if it were me and I’m insecure I’d be happy it was a piece of plastic and not another man. Hope he’s willing to go to couples therapy, that unbiased mediator is need to help work with his insecure. But to each their own.
M40 here and I concur with others mentioning therapy. He did not seek to have these issues, but the religious upbringing and toxic culture around manhood and penis size have clearly taken a toll. That needs to be addressed with therapy, either as a couple or just him. Or both. Hopefully he can turn his aversion to toys around and regain some confidence.
I would not go into details about prior partners. He’s struggling with the toys as it is, and letting him know that anyone was able to get you off with just PIV is going to hurt him. If he won’t let it go, I’d try something like “Look, I’ve been with men of different sizes. Sometimes I got off, sometimes I didn’t. But I’m with you, I love you and our sex, and honestly I’d love it if you wanted to use some toys on me bc that would be the best of both worlds. And hey, I like my alone time too. It’s not about you at all- you could have the biggest dick in the world and you’d have found me on the bed with the dildo just the same. And let’s not forget I was there for the taking.” I hope that helps and I wish you luck.
So for 2.5 years he’s never seen your toys? You have a “really good” personal relationship but sounds like your sexual relationship is a disaster. My one question is after 2.5 years wouldn’t at some point you wanna show him your collection, he probably deep down feels that he’s not satisfying you and then to walk in on you having a big O face from POI when he’s thinking you can’t have them was probably a big mind fuck for him. He probably feels deep down that he’ll never able to satisfy you without a bigger member and seeing you prefer something much bigger than him only proves what he was probably thinking. I could careless if my wife used a dildo 2 times my size but I wanna be there to participate, he might not be like that, being all inclusive is the way to go no secrets tell him your fantasies, your kinks, you can reinforce how great he is in bed and still not be fulfilled in ever single way no one 2 orgasms are the same. You probably had guys much bigger and better in bed, and he’s probably had girls that he had better sexual chemistry with, maybe a nicer body, bigger ass, boobs who cares it all comes down to wanting to make “your” sex life best for “you two”.
Is it a vibrator or a dildo? this makes quite a difference as no dicks can buzz. If it’s the vibration sensation then explain that’s what triggers the orgasm and the size isn’t particularly relevant. Also, the fact you won’t answer about your past means he will by default come to the conclusion that you have cum with bigger dicks, correctly or incorrectly.
He knows your bigger sized exes did make you cum, wich is a death sentence for the relationship. He Will never feel good enough because you proved this to him.
Imagine how you would feel if he could never orgasm from having sex with you and could only orgasm with a toy…..you probably wouldn’t even be dating if that was the case.
Or if he could only orgasm from looking at porn and not from looking at you.
You can only orgasm from a dick larger than his….he will never be able to make you orgasm with just his dick whereas other men can and have….imagine if he was previously orgasming with other girls vaginas but he couldn’t orgasm with yours….you would feel horrible..you would not be dating.
Look… I think you are entitled to your preferences but from your reply it kinda feels to me you are just disregarding his concerns as “insecurities” and are not willing to work with him to improve the act. I get that you are ok with external orgasm when having sex with him, because you care about the person and to you the sex feels great. But at the same time I had the reverse situation. My ex gf had a time where no matter what we did, I could not finish from PIV. No matter what we did, what I did, what she did. I was not concerned at first as she would finish me with her hands, or feet, or mouth, but it fucked with her brain. She cried multiple times about it on how she felt like she was not enough for me, how I was not attracted by her, and no ammount of positive reassurance did the trick, because at the end of the day, your partner cannot come while doing something that is very important to you. Was it insecurities? Yes, plenty… But for fuck sake I think that your partner’s arms are one of the places where you are allowed to get your guard down and feel insecure without judgement. I could have just left it at that… At the end of the day I would give her multiple orgasms both with my tongue/hands and both with my penis, and I would always finish once or twice with a blowjob or a handjob, we both got our fun why should I put more work to change a good situation? But I treated it as a “us problem” rather than a “her” one. It took months but I changed my masturbation habits, I took more care in realising what position would stimulate ME the most and not only her and gradually we worked together untill I finally had my raw orgasm into her, and it felt as an achievement, I lasted only 15 minutes and I don’t think I have ever saw a woman being so happy that his partner was quick to finish.
I’m not justifying him…some of his claims are unreasonable… But he is hurt amd he does not know how to navigate this issue.
You stated in the comments that you can cum with PIV with your dildos that are on his size is just that you prefer the big one because it get’s you there faster and more reliably. But you can come with an average size dick… During your alone time you are entitled to do whatever you want. But I would suggest start working on getting there with him, it probably takes longer also because you don’ t use the samller size that often and you never stopped and tried to learn how to get you off in that situation. Responsibility of the big O in PIV does not fall only on the shoulders or the man, help him, learn what you like and how to work with his penis, you have orgasms with smaller dildos, now train with your husband. Not sure he can recover from seeing this, but if you just keep telling him “piv is not important for me” when it clearly is for him you are just going to make him feel like he is not being listened to.
Yikes. Lets face the reality. He is hurt that you can habe great orgasms from penetration with something that mimics a dick, which he can however, never live up to. I think just saying, he has insecurities and he has to get over it is plakn wrong.
His feelings matter and I suppose you understand where he is coming from. Imagine the reverse situation with a fleshlight. The hiding from him does make everything worse, making it feel like you never wanted him to know he is „inadequate“.
Therapy is the right step to take, you will however have a tough road ahead.
edit: to clarify this is largely coming from my own experience and making assumptions based on the little window we have into the situation. I have a lot of sympathy for the situation, and believe that when people are being immature or deeply insecure, the treatment should be understanding and tenderness rather than dismissal. If a kid is afraid of a monster in the closet, you don’t help them by saying monsters aren’t real – you help by checking the closet until they realize there aren’t monsters. OP- i’m sorry your BF has this immature insecurity. If you want to help him get past it, you need to get on his level and listen. You don’t have to agree with his ideas, but you do need to get where he’s coming from.
—
So, I don’t really have any advice to offer on what you can do to convince him, but I can offer you some perspective to maybe help you empathize. Your post shows that you are very loving and reassuring to him, but you are not being particularly empathetic.
We (people of any gender) are socialized relentlessly from a young age to think that bigger dicks are better and that having a big dick makes you a better person. It’s not rational, but people hear jokes and comments about it from the day they are born, and people can believe much less rational things with a lot less exposure to them.
One time I was hanging out with some friends, gossiping about a guy one of their other friends was dating and how horribly he treats her. He sounds like a real piece of shit. And then one of them says “maybe he just has a huge dick.” Do you see what I mean? Having a big dick makes up for his dogshit behavior and personality. And this comment came from one of the smartest and most socially conscious people I know.
Imagine spending your whole life in that environment – jokes in movies and tv, lines in popular music, people bragging about their own dicks, people bragging about their partners’ dicks – and having what you perceive to be, or what actually is, a below average penis.
Now imagine being a person who is particularly insecure about penis size, as your BF appears to be. Imagine dating someone like you, who genuinely loves to have sex with him, and loves him in ways beyond that. Imagine your penis size fear start to get bandaged up, but not healed. It will take a lot more time and patience for it to be healed.
Now imagine coming home and seeing your partner having a powerful orgasm from penetration with a toy that is significantly bigger than your dick. Imagine how huge and unstoppable that rush of sadness and fear and shame and rage must be. This might be his worst fear in the ENTIRE WORLD and seeing that has confirmed it to be true. This is like a kid seeing a real actual monster under their bed.
I’ll tell you that the only thing that has helped me get over my own insecurity is having a string of partners all tell me that my dick is perfect and sexy. Telling him that everything ELSE about him is perfect, is just going to foster his dick insecurity. It’s going to tell him that he needs to compensate for his little dick by being a good guy in other ways, just like some guys get to be assholes because they have a big dick. Your BF isn’t stupid OP. He can tell that you’re dancing around the subject and his fear is just growing.
Good luck. I believe you can get though this together, but it won’t be so easy.
You need to be honest with him and tell him your previous experiences or he will never be able to trust you are being genuine with him in the bedroom. You need to accept the fact that it could lead to the end of the relationship as it sounds like you two weren’t as sexually compatible as you lead him to believe and that is a hard breach of openness that is very difficult to come back from. But what is better, to have him constantly be doubting you and your pleasure or for you both to find someone who is a better fit sexually?
I’d love to weigh on on this. I have a similar situation. I am very average in the size department. My wife and I married young and we were both virgins. Our sex life is great! But, about 8 years ago we decidedly to start adding toys into the bedroom. At first, I thought it would be fun. Well, the first time she used a big dildo, she began making sounds I’d never heard. It was clearly hitting some great spots. I got super discouraged. After 2 or 3 times, I told her it was upsetting me and I’d like her to throw it out. She did exactly that. Now, you would think I would be happy about it, but I wasn’t. I still hurt feom being what I considered less of a man. Fast forward to last year. I decided to try an extender with her. I mean, why not? She clearly likes a little bigger size, and at least I can be the one controlling it. I’m not sure why, or how,but it works very well for us both. She usually has an orgasm or 2 with just my penis and a vibrator or fingers. Then we use the extender. Its actually made me feel ok with the larger sizes. Now we even use the big dildos and I don’t feel insecure. One thing that does help me is that occasional ill offer to put on the extender and she will say that she just wants me that night. It helps me to realize that she loves me, and these toys are just “tools”. Hope that helps
Please put yourself in his shoes with comparable insights – not porn. How would it make you feel if he told you that he uses a pocket pussy way tighter than you?
I mean I can’t care less and I love toys but I do understand if he has insecurities that leaving him in the dark like you’re doing right now is even worse than knowing the truth…
lts not about dildo anymore
İts about he cant get you off with his size(piv)
And bigger exes can
That makes him feel not enough for you or not good enough
As a male l think every man wants to be perfect for his partner in bed , we know the phrase “you can always use your finger yada yada yada” but if you can cum with piv WE definately need to do that
Tbh ldk what you should do but if you think he’s REALLY perfect in bed for you (fully satisfied)
you need him to see that
So to summarize:
– You have never had a PIV orgasm with your bf of 2.5 years.
– He comes home one day to see you having one while using a dildo much larger than him.
– You have toys closer to his size that you do not use specifically because the larger one feels better.
– He puts 2 and 2 together and asks you to be honest and tell him if you have been able to have PIV orgasms with larger partners in the past.
– You refuse to answer the question, which is essentially the same as saying yes but kinda adding insult to injury.
– You are not willing to stop using larger toys to see if you can train yourself to have PIV orgasms with him.
Look this sub skews in a certain direction and in my experience people here really dont like it when men have any emotions or opinions regarding their sex lives here. But this is a hard sell to most men. If this info came to light when I was married to someone in a 10 year relationship with our lives fully intertwined, I would consider staying. But in a 2.5 year relationship? No chance. Why should he spend the rest of his life with someone who needs entirely different anatomy than him to have PIV orgasms?
And just to be clear your comparison to porn actresses he prefers is not relevant. The only truly analogous comparison if he is completely unable to orgasm during PIV and is only able to reach PIV orgasms while fucking a fleshlight that is much tighter than you.
I would personally find it really weird if my gf never told me that she was able to have PIV orgasms. And the only way I found out was by accidentally walking in on her using a massive dildo when i wasn’t home. It makes me think you subconsciously hid this information because you know he would likely not stay if he had found out sooner. Honestly you may need to accept that you two are not compatible. I hope he is able to work through his feelings but I know that if I were him I would not stay.
Imagine walking in on him fucking a sex doll or even a prostitute.
Sorry.
Holy fuck this dude needs big time therapy jfc.