My (35m) husband (36m) and I have 3 beautiful adopted children. We have a 15yr old, a 7yr old, and a 4yr old. Our two youngest are biological siblings. Our oldest was adopted 6 years ago after being bounced around foster home after foster home and diabetes not being monitored. After we decided to take in a sibling set and one of those being a newborn, we decided then we would be done but we would consider fostering in the future. Our youngest is starting pre-K this year and I admit having them all in school sounds amazing.
About 2 days ago, we got a call that our youngest kids have another sibling. They’re about 4 months old and we were asked about taking them in. My husband is all for it and is boasting on how much he missed the baby stage. I on the other hand do not want another child and it has caused a fight. I’m the one that makes sure our kids get to their activities, take off for doctors appointments, makes sure they get to school, does all of the insulin and diabetes monitoring for our oldest and the last 4 years, I’ve done it with a baby/toddler. Our oldest is in high school now and is involved in so much that I don’t want to miss because of a baby and we’ve got a routine down. My husband keeps bringing up that I can’t deny my children their bio sibling and maybe he’s right. We haven’t spoken much today as it keeps coming to a standstill but I feel it’s easy to want a baby when you work 12 hour days or even don’t come home cause you’re stuck at the hospital. He thinks I’m punishing him for working and I wouldn’t do that. I’m okay with having the responsibility of taking care of our kids but I cannot handle another one right now. I feel like it’s almost becoming an ultimatum and I don’t want that because it almost feels like I’d be choosing a new kid over my current ones.
4 comments
The youngest child doesn’t have to be separated from their siblings, if you can work it out with the agency and the other adoptive family that they can have a relationship. Not all siblings live together, and if another family can provide a loving home for the baby, that’s the most important thing.
I think that it’s unfair of him to frame the issue as you punishing him for working. That kind of thinking, on the other side, would say that he would be *forcing” you to raise a child that you don’t want because he works. You two are in a partnership, he needs to listen when his partner tells him that she is at capacity. If he is sad because he has to work instead of raising children, then he can be mad at his own choices, or capitalism, or whatever — but it’s unfair and unkind of him to blame you, when you’ve already raised 3 children, mostly on your own. You can’t force him to think or feel differently, but you can stand firm in your decision.
Finally: If there are any circumstances under which you would reconsider, you can tell him those. Maybe he has to cut back at work (*before* the child comes, not a promise to do it later), or you have to be able to have a nanny. There may not be anything, which is fine. But if you think about it and decide, “under these conditions, I would do it,” he can decide whether he want to try to meet you there, or not.
>I’m the one that makes sure our kids get to their activities, take off for doctors appointments, makes sure they get to school, does all of the insulin and diabetes monitoring for our oldest and the last 4 years, I’ve done it with a baby/toddler. Our oldest is in high school now and is involved in so much that I don’t want to miss because of a baby and we’ve got a routine down.
Your husband has got to strp up to be part of the childcare and planning before this is feasible.
Sure, he wants the baby stage but ask him if he’s committed enough to take on all the responsibilities that come with it?
I don’t blame you for looking forward to school going children and the chance to leap back into career and/or your own interests.
You really need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about the parenting duties and that you aren’t going to stay homebound for another 5-6 years because he’d like to relive the baby stage. This is not just about your need for self development, it is about how you both manage familial duties. Perhaps he misses the baby stage because it wasn’t 24/7 for him.
The only valid argument i see is it’s your youngests’ sibling, but if this baby can be adopted to a nearby family, you can arrange visits with your kids.
>My husband keeps bringing up that I can’t deny my children their bio sibling and maybe he’s right.
One problem with that line of reasoning is that you don’t know this will be the last new sibling. The bio-parents could keep putting up kids for adoption and you’ll feel obligated to take in all of them. Where does it end?
This is besides the point, but I don’t understand why the same family would keep having kids they put up for adoption?