this is a throwaway.
I’m very much struggling with my bf’s friendship with his ex. She has been in his life for over 10 years now. They were friends in high school, and then dated throughout high school, and into college. He broke up with her when they finished college 4 years ago. They have been friends for 3 years now.
Him and I have been seeing eachother for a year now. She lives 2 hours from him, so they don’t hang out often. Maybe a few times a year. But she calls him and facetimes him from time to time and they text about weekly or biweekly. This is all fine with me, sounds like a normal friendship. But it bugs me so much they’re still friends because I feel like she knows more about him than I do. I feel like his whole life revolved around her. His family used to be close with her too. They’re still on eachother’s social medias. He said the reason he broke up with her was because he didn’t know who he was because they relationship was so enmeshed and they did everything together. He was also not ready to move on to marriage, he wanted to figure out who he was as a person (they were 22 at the time).
I see this being true because they have everything in common. They both watch wrestling, they both are into football, they both play videogames, and skateboard. They like the same music. They like the same tv shows. They’re both from LA (I’m two hours away, she’s moved elsewhere since their break up). They share all these unique memories from high school and college. I understand he’s a different person now than he was back then. He’s an adult now, out of high school and college. But it bugs me so much to see them STILL bond over all these things. Me and him have nothing in common and that hasn’t been an issue. We are both very adaptable people and are always down for anything with eachother. But to see we have nothing in common and he is still bonding over all his interests with her bugs me. But I can’t say ” don’t be friends with her.” I can’t make him cut anyone out of his life, that’s not my choice.
It’s become a real issue because I can’t stop comparing my relationship with theirs. So I need advice on how to get over it. Or at least help me understand why they need to be friends if they have such a long history. Are they still feeling attached to one another? Are they afraid of letting go because of all the history? I’ve talked to him about all this and he always makes it clear that he doesn’t have feelings for her and that he only wants me. He’s said he’s never had intentions of getting back with her. He said his family doesn’t talk to her (that he knows of). They do have mutual friends, so this could be why they’re still in touch but he doesn’t see any of their mutual friends often at all. I’ve tried to remind myself that I’m my own unique person and we have our own unique relationship. We’ve discussed that I’m on my own path, I’m not her. But what else could I possibly do to feel better? Even if him and i were together 10 years, she still has ten years over me. Idk how to get over that. Is it normal to be bothered this much? Is it normal for them to still have to be in eachother’s life?
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tl;dr
my bf is friends with his long term ex and idk how to get over it. i am constantly comparing our relationship to theirs. I feel like im playing catch up in his life. i dont understand why they still have to be in eachother’s life at all.
7 comments
So he said he doesn’t want to get back with her. Did you ask why they’re still friends then? What does he gain out of staying in touch with her?
Everyone has their own boundaries, but I’m personally against staying close with your ex after entering a new relationship. Either way I’d discuss what your boundary is. Not as an ultimatum, but make it clear it’s something you’re not okay with. If he chooses to ignore your feelings and prefers his ex, then you know where you stand
It’s not always a healthy reality to keep your ex in your life. There are times that it does work. However, what you should be thinking and concentrating on is why you keep comparing the two? Are you okay with yourself?
I’ll never understand these posts. U realize u don’t have to be ok or comfortable with this at all, right? This is totally inappropriate and it’s normal and fine to have a boundary of them not speaking.
This baffles me when I read these types of things. It’s not normal, necessary or appropriate to talk to or see an ex while in a committed relationship.
It means he’s a mature adult who can have long-term friendships with people he doesn’t have sex with though he theoretically could. If you had any idea how rare those guys are….
Sure, it’s great that he’s “friendly with the ex” vs animosity and bitterness. BUT friendly doesn’t mean in regular contact. He’s moved on supposedly and she is his past. After two yrs, she should have faded out, especially that she’s hours away.
Your feelings are pretty normal in being uncomfortable with his degree of involvement with her. Let him know this. Emphatically. He didn’t want his life so enmeshed with this person, but yet neither of them wants to let go.
Will he ignore your feelings? Will he become defensive of her? They don’t need to be in contact regularly. Sure they were friends, but they were also a romantic couple. That’s over. Now his ties with his past are interfering with your shared future.
I think you are justified in being bugged by this. It’s too much. The phone calls and biweekly texting is too much. They can still be friends of course but the level of contact is too much.
Question: Has there been a relationship between his with his ex and your relationship with him? Just curious for context.
I think him being in-touch this much is excessive. Have you had a conversation with him about how you feel lately with all the comparisons. It may be a good time to talk about boundaries, and what’s comfortable at this point in your relationship. Maybe frame it from a “I want to move forward and be strong together, and this concern is holding me back…” Make sure he knows that it’s about taking steps forward together, rather than a focus on the past.