I have been in and out of some horrible abusive relationships for the past few years. I am working on my self esteem, creating boundaries and understanding what a healthy relationship should be like.
Just curious about what are some non negotiables and green flags you absolutely look for in a good relationship.
36 comments
If true love involves sacrifice then there are no ‘non-negotiables’. If you are crafting a relationship without love then I guess you can tailor it to your own personal likes.
Trust. Sex. Having an income.
* Exclusivity is non-negotiable. If we are going out together, then go with me or find another man.
* Don’t be hanging out with other dudes without me.
* Never, ever, ever lie.
There’s a bunch of other things, but they’re smaller and have to do with the nature of the relationship, rather than what I won’t tolerate.
Committment, mutual respect, positive attitude. That’s basically it.
Bonus points if good sense of humor.
Listens to my boundaries and doesn’t only just listen but checks in on them
Tells me how they are feeling and asks how I am feeling, shows trust in me and acts consistent and trustworthy
The best advice I can give to you is to maintain self-respect. The moment you ignore alarms because they have other good features, this is when you enter a relationship that’s going to sht on you eventually.
Ask yourself what you’d do and not do to somebody you like or love. Now apply this to the person interested in you.
Exclusivity (none of that multidating nonsense), loyalty, mutual respect, similar values, no drugs, no emotional, verbal or physical abuse.
Compatibility including sexual, trust , no lies, consistency, action over words, monogamy, no guy best friend, not in touch with your ex .
When I met and started dating my wife, those were trust, sex, mutual respect, and mutual exclusivity.
Nowadays, if I something happened and I ended up back in the dating pool, I’d add having an income.
I make it very clear upfront to all potential partners that cheating is a relationship ender for me. Lies are red flags for me, and would definitely make me consider if I want to stay with someone who has no problem deceiving me. Anytime I firmly state a boundary and it’s clearly crossed – relationship over. Tbh, most of these are just about basic respect.
shared values – caring about people, environment, world. anti-racist, pro-feminist etc. courage and strength to stand up for what is right.
shared relationship goals – eg around children, moving in, finances etc. i also use the ‘relationship smorgasbord’ to clarify what i want/need from relationship in various areas. they are also clear (and have thought about) about what they want from a relationship.
actively listens, properly pays attention, responds to what i said, remembers what i have said.
happy to have multiple proper dates without sex.
wants to spend time together even if it doesn’t lead to sex.
stays after sex.
does what they say they will do. turns up on time.
doesn’t have any desires for any kind of dominating, controlling, violent things – eg bdsm stuff (This community is full of abusive and gaslighting people).
doesn’t send nudes. doesn’t ask for nudes.
my friends like them. they like my friends. i like their friends.
doesn’t overuse ‘woke’, ‘sex positive’, therapy language – this is usually hiding some kind of manipulation.
is able to admit when they make mistakes or are wrong. is able to apologise. handles conflict respectfully.
so yeah, haven’t found anyone who remotely meets those requirements!
I have several non negotiables, but it only takes one to keep me single.
I need my partner to be honest and straight forward with their intentions.
That alone, disqualifies everyone I have ever met.
How they react to not getting their way or being told “no” in general as well as with me.
– zero drug use
– sexual compatibility
– compatible love languages
– healthy communication
– willingness to change
– financially smart/stable
Those are some of my non-negotiables
No cheating, lying or disrespect. No job/career or plan for one is a dealbreaker (it’s okay to be in between jobs but I want someone who at least has some ambition). Being over 30 living with parents with no plan to leave is a dealbreaker. Alcoholism is a dealbreaker. Hard drugs are a dealbreaker. Smoking cigarettes is a dealbreaker. Smoking weed is acceptable but I don’t want someone who does it excessively. I must be attracted to the person. My list is longer than this I guess but these are my main ones.
Idk, maybe I’m picky, but I’ve been alone so long and gotten so comfortable in my own routine that if I’m going to let someone change it they have to be pretty great, I’m not gonna settle.
Boundaries with ex’s and sex. Mutual effort.
if i were to create any non negotiables that would mean i would stop bein open minded
having that said bein open minded is a big plus
How do they treat the help in a bar or restaurant? However they treat them is how they will treat YOU. If they treat them well, green flag. If they treat them like shit, I am out of there.
Does their smile reach their eyes? If yes, green flag. If I think they fake a smile, I have to assume they fake everything else.
If you are a woman, does he hold the door for you? Does he compliment you on your fashion choices? Does he make an effort to be a gentleman? If yes, green flag.
Does he listen, or does he just wait for you to pause so he can make his point? If yes, green flag. If he is jumping into the conversation just to make a point, red flag.
Do they talk shit about people they know? About strangers? If so, red flag.
Do they laugh at other’s misfortune? If so, red flag.
Are they a trump supporter? If so, HUGE red flag.
No shoes in the house
Absolute #1 is honesty. Nothing can proceed without it. 2) open communication lines. I speak English, not hints. 3) if you have to ask yourself “would this make my boyfriend/husband uncomfortable in any way”, for god sakes don’t do it!
I don’t think that’s asking much, but in my 17 girlfriends in 40 years of life, none of them can seem to handle those guidelines. No controlling rules. No degrading rules. Nothing narcissistic. Nothing rude or demeaning. Just simple, common morals that I think most people have. I wish it were that simple….
An empathetic attitude is a green flag for me. If someone makes a disparaging joke toward anyone or demeans a group of people I ask a few follow up questions and get out of there. So may bad relationships are based on writing off these early signs that someone doesn’t care about other people (and remember you are other people).
Honesty, respect, no smoking, preferably not drinking but at least not heavy drinking/often drinking, not trying to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with based on their gender (I am bi anyways, everyone can be hot lol, so it is just jealousy).
– Kind, not just friendly
– Loyal
– Monogamous
– No drug/alcohol/gambling addictions
– Sexual compatibility
– Able and willing to compromise
– Healthy communication (I hate avoidance)
– Stable job with income sufficient to pay their bills
Know who is responsible for what and respect and understand their decisions.
An example for me, is that I control the interactions with my family and she controls the interactions with hers.
I know it’s weird but I just don’t think it is my wife’s place to get upset at my mom or respond to my mom in any way. If my mom is inappropriate talk to me, don’t make it a fight, don’t make it you v her and respect what I decide, understanding I may not have my mother in 5 years so I would like to enjoy my time with her and set stress aside. The same goes with my mother in law. If she’s being an ass, I should tell my wife, my wife should go to Margaret and tell her “mom he’s my husband, it’s not a slight on you if we go to his parents house for Christmas in even numbered years.” Or if her dad gets all snooty that I’m better on the grille than him, she should go to her dad and tell him “dad you’re not any less of a man because hr cooks better steaks”. I should have to do such things.
Over time we could have but we both decided early on that by doing this, our wedding would go smoother because input on planning went through the two of us instead of through a committee. Which is the real issue. My wife and I run our lives together and no one else does.
INTEGRITY!!
Sexual chemistry, future goals, feel safe/comfortable, commitment, emotional availability, personal development and communication.
All the usual ones stated on here, and then a few which are sort of negotiable but not a preference.
* Excessive social media posting
* Frequent drinkers (I’m teetotal)
* Rudeness or narcistic behaviour
* Childishness or general immaturity
* Compulsive shoppers
Patient, kind, honest and loyal
Physical: a least a head taller than me, nice teeth, and a beard.
Non physical: good personality, no kids, intelligent, emotionally available, and is financially able to support himself.
Exclusivity, communication, drugs, income and looks.
Yeah, you “just asked…”
For sex, I just need to be attracted to her, like her, and trust that she’s not going to harm me.
For a relationship, all of those, plus good communication skills and similar values.
Green flags would include:
* Having a healthy first fight in which we come together at the end.
* When she does something to hurt me, she apologizes. (This is staggeringly rare)
* She treats other people well, especially when they can do nothing for her.
* She has her life together and is a competent adult.
* She has something exceptional about her – she’s very intelligent, or a dancer, or singer, or she’s otherwise striving to better herself at something.
* We have compatible values about kids and I am confident she will never hit them.
Green flags: has the emotional intelligence of someone close to their age. Is compassionate and kind. Can be silly, laugh, and secure enough to be themselves. Has healthy coping behaviors when facing a lot of stress. Matches your effort/energy. Is ok being vulnerable sometimes. Likes their work or is doing something they enjoy often. Has interests, friends and a network outside of the relationship. Is kind, has nice things to say about people in their life or previously in their life.
Don’t cheat on me multiple times and try to get me to fight each guy you cheated with because it sexually arouses you. My fault for dating a girl that was in and out of a psych ward
I want someone who will actually say something besides “ hey beautiful “ all day long. I can’t stand generic conversation
As a man I’d want a woman who:
* Is slim or thin
* Above average height
* Dresses well and can be classy
* Holds shared values