My(M29) girlfriend(F23) is pregnant and she wants to know how I feel about it. Do I tell the truth?

48 comments

1. >At the end of the day, I want to be supportive.

   That’s what you do.

   Just be supportive.

   >We’re in this together and we will figure it out. I just want you to be happy and what ever decision you think is best, we will go with that.

   Don’t try to influence her, just let her come to grips with things and decide for herself what she’d like to do.

   Because really, whenever a child is brought into the world, it should be a mutual welcomed thing by both sides… Unfortunately, you welcome it, and she seems to be freaking out by it.

   And if she only does it because you want it, well, you can run into this:

   >Read this one post of this woman who wanted to abort her child, but then her boyfriend convinced her not to, and now she’s stuck in this mom/wife life that she never wanted.

   So, curve her freak-out, let her make an uninfluenced decision, and whatever side of the fence that lands on, you go with.

   Then after this whole ordeal blows over, bring up the idea of children if it’s something you two want in your life, should but something that is actively tried for by both people.

2. How long have you been dating? Are you actually ready for a kid financially and emotionally? I think best thing you can do is be honest

3. I think you should be honest and tell her that you’re happy. It could very well be that she is afraid that you aren’t, therefore she is behaving as if she isn’t happy. Maybe if she knew your true feelings, she would be excited too.

4. I’m a woman and a mom, although I’ve never been in the situation of an unplanned pregnancy. I do know women who have been on both sides here – one not wanting the baby, the other wanting the baby but terrified her boyfriend didn’t really want it. My gut would be to tell her that you would be genuinely happy to have this baby with her, but that you 100% understand if that isn’t what she wants, especially considering she’s young. That you don’t want to pressure her into anything that she doesn’t want. That you’ll support whatever decision she makes. She might already be able to tell that you’re holding something back, and wondering what you’re holding back could be freaking her out.

   At this point she might genuinely be unsure what she wants. I love my babies. I don’t regret becoming a parent. But pregnancy can be a terrifying experience.

   Side note: I don’t know anything about the regretful parenting Reddit. But I will say: anyone posting in that group in the very early newborn days of first baby hasn’t had time yet to adjust to parenthood. Especially for women, there’s a huge hormonal shift during that period that some people call “the fourth trimester.” Even I was conflicted about my decision at that time. I was 36, married, planned baby, and financially secure – and still scared out of my mind.

5. Tell her how you feel. Not how you thinks you should feel. If you are happy. Be happy.

6. I think I depends on her personality. Does she like going out with friends, traveling, uni, drinking, etc? Some people are home bodies and she might be ready and others are still enjoying the life of a 23 year old. She might like the idea of having a baby but might not be ready. She might regret it later in life if she looks back and sees she didn’t enjoy and love her life when she could. This is just a snippet and not an entire picture.

7. Are you ready to be a single dad? If you are not ready for her to have the baby and hand it to you, then step back from this and let her decide. Support her in whatever she chooses. This means that when she’s pregnant, you rub her back and feet and whatever else is miserably painful that day, hold the hair out of her face as she pukes then bring her a glass of water, take her to appointments, do your half of prep for the nursery, call and make the couples appointments for nursing classes, parenting classes, etc. and just generally do your job as part of a couple. She’s growing a baby inside, so the bulk of the work will need to fall on you.

   If you can’t support her during her pregnancy and during recovery time after and you aren’t ready to be a single dad…I think you know the answer. Don’t push her to carry the baby at all.

8. Having a husband who older by a few years it took me sometime to feel happy about my pregnancy because I had all these fears I think that was the hormones honestly but he instantly was so overwhelming happy at the thought having a little or girl or boy. That made me feel comfortable becoming a mom truthfully because I felt I had the best dad for my soon to be child the worst fear I had is the father of my child not being happy with a lifetime together. The hormones are crazy be patient with her and convey your happiness it will dispel a lot of her fears and reassure her she’s not alone.

9. If you’re afraid she might alter her answer to your answer: let her answer first or both write it down individually as you’re afraid one of you both will alter his choice to please the other

10. You tell her the truth. The idea of it makes you happy & you feel ready, but you don’t want her to end up having a child she isn’t ready for and doesn’t want and be miserable. That you support her in what she chooses.

    Being honest in this situation isn’t selfish. Selfish would be trying to force her or manipulate her. You are allowed to have your feelings too.

11. This is why we need to recognise that adolescence ends around 24/25. Older people who know what they want (and who they are and what their boundaries are) shouldn’t be dating people who are still figuring it all out. Nevertheless, you’re in this situation now.

    I think honesty is important in a situation like this. Your gf should know that you want a baby. But you don’t have to say you want “this” baby. If you abort now, you can still have a baby in the future at a time that better suits both of you. At 29/30, you still have plenty of time left but you should think about if you want it in the next few years and whether you can achieve that with your current gf.

    There’s a saying “if you want a baby, have one with someone who wants one with you” – it sounds harsh, but it’s important to never pressure someone else into something they don’t really want just because you want it. Some men think they can talk their gfs into keeping the baby but it’s incredibly selfish.

    Find out what your gf’s specific concerns are. They may be things you can solve now and move forward with the pregnancy. But make sure she knows that the last thing you want is to have a baby she doesn’t want. Make sure she knows you value her wants/goals and that you’d rather do it when you’re both ready (so she doesn’t feel pressured). If she does feel pressured, she’s more likely to go through with something she doesn’t want at her young age.

    Goodluck OP. It sounds like you care a lot about what your gf wants. I’m sure you’ll both make wonderful parents when the time comes.

12. You absolutely need to tell her the truth of how you feel. You owe her that. But also let her know that no matter what she decides you will be there for her, especially emotionally. Her happiness matters and you want her to be happy.

13. I believe in honest communication. Tell her the truth.

14. You tell her exactly what you have said here – you would be over the moon to have the baby, but what’s more important than that for you is that the baby is wanted by both of you and she doesn’t make a decision she is uncomfortable with. If she’s doesn’t want this at this point in life you would rather her make that decision than go through with the pregnancy for your sake. A baby is a huge change and needs to be wanted by both.

    Chances are she either wants this but is worried you don’t or she doesn’t want this but she can already sense you do and is thinking she doesn’t want to disappoint you. I’ve been in a very similar situation recently. The best thing you can do is be honest but stress that the thing you want most is to support her, in whatever decision you both come to.

15. Tell her you’re happy and that you’ll support her whatever her decision is.

    Many, many years ago my now wife was late and brought it up. We were too young at both 22 but I told her I’d stand by her whatever she wanted to do. It turned out to be a false alarm and then we couldn’t have kids because of medical issues until our later 30s but I think she needed to hear that I’d be there.

16. First off, don’t lie to your partner about anything. Communication is the most important thing. You can communicate how you feel without lying or making things harder for the both of you.
    A similar situation happened with the person who is now my wife. She found out she was pregnant and started freaking out. She asked me what I thought about it and what to do through text, so I asked to talk to her about it in person instead.

    I told her that ultimately, it is her decision, but I will support any decision she makes. If you decide you want to keep it, I would love to share that moment with you and raise them together. If you decide you aren’t ready and want to get an abortion, I will take you there myself and be there with you through it all.

    We have been married for 9 years and have 2 beautiful children now. We both weren’t exactly ready to be parents at the time, but we both did everything we could to make it work.

    I was also happy when I found out she was pregnant, but my wife not so much. My answer to her honest and let her know that whatever decision she made, I would be with her and support her.

17. Not telling her the truth takes away her autonomy of choosing. Like you are making up your mind on what is best for her, and feeding her what she “needs” to hear to reach that conclusion. Don’t do that, please! Younger or not, freaking out or not, she deserves to have all the info and make up her mind accordingly.

18. I’ll keep it short and sweet. Honesty is always the best policy.

19. Look, there are many things to consider here. Let’s start with the basics. A pregnancy is really hard on a woman’s body and mentality, really. A child is a joyful wild ride, but you have to be prepared for it. As a man, if you really want the child, you have to be the most supportive person in the whole world for her, show it. You have to tell her the truth about how you feel and commit to be there 100% for her and the baby.

    Now, on her part, she is young, considering today’s standards, so she may have regrets and feel like motherhood time came too soon. Talk… talk… and talk. You both have to sit down and talk. You will have to be more supportive considering she might want to finish career and work (I’m guessing). If you both decide to have the baby, you will have to be supportive (yes, again) and help her. Assure her you both will work out her academic and professional life in case she decides to go through with the pregnancy.

    If not. Then you should talk again.

20. You have to be honest. If you truly want this baby you might end up resenting her or regretting not speaking up.

21. I think your way of thinking is really kind and it is refreshing to see someone thinking like this for their partner.

    So this is the same age gap I have with my partner. When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked and he was honest, he said he was shocked but in a good way, he would love to have a baby but it’s ultimately my choice. He understood he’s older and I may not be ready. He would support me regardless and if we decided not to keep them then could we talk about trying in a few years.

    We now have a lil chubby 2 month old

22. Tell her how you feel so she can make an informed decision. Having a supportive partner makes a big difference.

    Stating your feelings is very different from pressuring her.

23. Be honest. Tell her you are happy about it but will also be supportive of whatever she chooses. Explain you want to be a dad, if it’s now, great if not that’s great too. Explain to her that you understand if she doesn’t want to continue it since you already got to live your 20s and you fear she will regret choosing that life. Let her make a pro’s and cons list of her own. If she wants the baby, she will invent more pros. Some women want to be young mothers (I was one and don’t regret it at all, my boys are teens now and I love them to bits wouldn’t trade them foe the world) so don’t see it as a bad life changer. Goodluck

24. Don’t read other people’s story as it is their life not yours. Things are different you are different person. Tell your girlfriend you’ll support her no matter what decision she makes. And if becoming a mother now is the right thing to do ok, if not she can always have another child.

25. I’m going to give you advice from my perspective as my husband and I have the same age gap and went through the same thing when I was 23. We ultimately decided not to keep the baby then, but 5 years later we are expecting our first (planned) baby anytime now!

    Like your girlfriend, I was very shocked at the time and the whole thing felt surreal. Deep down I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a parent (I had just finished school, hadn’t had the opportunity to build up my career or really establish myself as an “adult” yet), but there was part of me that did fantasize about keeping the baby and having a family with the person I loved – we had been together for about 2 years at that point. My now husband’s perspective (that he shared with me) was that he was excited to have kids with me someday, but didn’t feel like it was the right time. I think a lot of his hang ups had to do with his concern about me being so young, similar to you. Putting emotions aside, after we had discussed the financial feasibility of it and how this would impact our other future goals, the choice was clear.

    So while I think you should be honest about your feelings, I would share your thoughts cautiously and really allow her to come to her own conclusions without clouding them too much with yours. Personally I feel like welcoming a child is such a big, irreversible step that couples should not be taking it unless they’re both 100% onboard (if you have the choice, that is). Looking back, if my husband had expressed that he was happy and ready to have the baby, it may have convinced me to go along with it, too. And maybe we would have made it work, but more likely it would have been really strenuous for our relationship and set us up for a lot of hardship and probably resentment. Now that I’m 28 and we’re married with a stable home and a few more years of happiness and adventure behind us, I am sooo thankful that we didn’t rush into parenthood then. And we have had the loveliest time with our current, desired pregnancy!

26. Be honest. Tell her you’ll support her whatever she chooses. Don’t pressure her.

27. Tell her you’re happy about it and want it but that ypu don’t want that to be the sole reason she goes through with it, if she chooses to.

    I’d honestly just share your post. It’s clear and covers all your bases and shows you care about her life and future.

28. Tell her that you are happy and will be there for her. If you don’t and she gets an abortion you may end up resenting her and regret not telling her the truth.

29. Tell her *all* of that. Then make space for how she feels.

    Its not empowering of her to withold your feelings to protect her. It’s empowering of her to tell her how you feel, both that you want the baby and that you care and worry about her. She can’t make a good choice without all the information.

30. I was 18 when I got pregnant. my entire 20s was spent at home with a kid, solo parenting cause their dad is worthless. I missed out on everything. College, parties, friend vacations, concerts, bar hopping. I didn’t get a chance to do any of that. I regret losing my youth. I do not regret my child, though.

    no matter what happens you’ll wonder if the grass was greener…. just tell your partner the truth, and then work through the decision together.

31. How long have you been dating?

    What is GF’s future plans?

    Will she expect to be a SAHM or want to work?

    You have to ask her many more questions. You also have to decide will you be able to coparent if the relationship doesn’t work out and she keeps the baby.

32. I suggest you don’t have a child with a woman unless you are prepared to be doing 100% of the work. then 80%. Then 95%. Then 50%. Then back to 100%.

    A child is alot of work. If you can’t see yourself being there more than 100% and doing all the work in some points in time, then don’t convince her to have the child. Cause women want to be with men who have the same mindset as them. And the stigmatization of deadbeat dads is just so high, if you say you wouldn’t mind having a kid together, she’ll look at you like “Wow, this is who I want to raise a child with”

    So you say you basically reached where you wanted in life, so I hope you both are financially stable and have a lot of savings. Cause it’ll be expensive,,more expensive than whatever you may be thinking because you don’t know what will happen in life.

    Just sit her down, let her know that she is the woman for you and you would be there to support any decision she will make. And that you don’t want to make her feel like she has to have a child with you right now. She can always advance further into her career first and you’ll still be there for her.

    But unless there is a unanimous and enthusiastic “YES” on BOTH ends, don’t have a kid.

33. Tell her the truth, gently. Just say babe, I know this was not expected, I certainly wasn’t. When you initially told me I was happy, however I noticed you didn’t seem very happy. How I feel about this depends not only on myself but also on you. How do you feel about it? I want what we both want. I’d love a baby with you. If now is the right time, great. Also if now is not the right time, that is ok too.

34. This makes me happy to see because I was excited, and he was not. I was 24 and he was 32. I felt awful and ended up losing the baby. It took a lot for me to stay after that. And he was honest. He didn’t want it. I hated his honesty. Be as supportive as possible no matter what. Hold her so tight. This is the moment where you sort of enter a critical stage of manhood (coming from a woman’s perspective) and you don’t want to fuck it up. All the best wishes for you both.

35. I think you should be honest and tell her the truth. Just saying “I’m happy and would welcome a baby.” Shouldn’t be the end all be all, anyway. She will still have her own feelings and concerns. Let her know what you’ve said here, that your first reaction was to be happy about the news but that you want to support her in whatever decision she feels is best for herself. I think a lot of women get scared when it’s an unplanned pregnancy and think their partners are going to react non-positively. I was engaged and still totally scared my fiance was going to freak. I was also just scared in general (childbirth terrifies me a bit).

36. Tell her the truth. She’s probably freaking out and scared because she’s scared of what your reaction would be. This is where communication comes into play, talk about it and then figure out what to do!

37. Just show her this post …. Seems very supportive

38. Tell her the truth – you’re thrilled! Just make sure you don’t accidentally blurt out something like ‘I’m ecstatic… that Taco Bell delivers at 3am!’ 😂

39. No matter what you say, it will likely affect her decision. As it should. This is something that should be discussed between you both. Tell her how you feel and ask how she feels. In order to become great parents, you need to be great communicators. Be open, honest and understanding. Hopefully she will be too. The choice of course is ultimately hers but your side should be heard and it counts.

40. OP, she is asking you for a reason. She wants the truth.

    She may just be scared because things like this can steer a guy away, and maybe she just doesn’t want you to feel obligated to fatherhood. Even if you tell her you want it, doesn’t mean she doesn’t still have the option to make her own decision as well.

    Maybe she will be relieved when you tell her that you would like to keep this baby.

    I’d tell her in a way that’s like “I would love to have this baby with you, but only if you also want it. There is no pressure on my end. We’re in this together.”

41. 23 is still young. She might want to continue doing her thing.

    I would ask her if she sees a life with you. If she doesn’t, then you have your answer.

    If she says yes, then maybe you can give her a hall pass once she has recovered from her pregnancy. So she doesn’t feel like you didn’t take her feelings into account.

    All you can do is be supportive.

    You guys definitely need to discuss this through.

    Good luck.

42. Tell her how you feel but make it clear that you’re supportive with her decision

43. Definitely tell the truth. That being said, since she is the one freak8ng out and undecided, sit with her and discuss the pros and cons. Write them down. Get her to open up about every feeling she’s having the good the bad the ugly. Discuss the potential consequences of your options. For example, regretting being a parent or regretting not becoming a parent.

    Lay it all out on the table. Bottled up is overwhelming. Help her think it through. Good luck to both of you.

44. If she doesn’t want it and you tried to convince her, that’d be the issue. The difference here is that she truly doesn’t know what she wants. So tell her your side of things but also tell her you will support her and respect her decision if she decides she’s not ready yet.

45. In the end, you’re not the one that has to carry it for 9 months. Your body doesn’t transform. You aren’t the one society expects to look after it for the next 18 years. The only thing you need to tell her is that you will be there for her no matter what decision she chooses. That way if she wants to keep it she knows you won’t bale, and if she wants to abort she knows you aren’t going to be all judgemental, have regrets and hold a grudge against her.

46. Just read Subject, got a common sense headache as that has well and truly left this post… yeah just lie to her mate… OF COURSE YOU TELL HER THE TRUTH! HOW THE F… DO YOU THINK RELATIONAHIPS WORK? I MEAN F… SAKE! sorry if that sounds harsh.. but I think some people need to use common sense.. at least one a month or something.. should be law.

47. Say you will happily welcome a baby but if she’s not ready for one you support whatever decision she makes you tell her in this completely up to her and you will support her no matter what

48. SPEAK THE TRUTH.

    It’s really that simple.