I’m looking for advice from people who have been in 5+ year relationships, preferably those who were also cohabitating for some of that time, because I don’t think some of this experience and the difficulty level is as common in shorter relationships or relationships where your lives don’t become so integrated.
At this point, I think I know that I want to end it. Or at the very least, take a break with no contact. We almost hit a breaking point at the end of 2020/early 2021, and I was ready to end it, but my partner asked if we could go to couples therapy and so we did that. I did feel an improvement after therapy, but I think if I’m honest with myself a big part of why I backed off breaking up then was out fear. He really is my best friend, we’ve lived together for 6 years, share a dog, have the same friend groups, my family loves him, and everyone has always thought of us as that inseparable couple that will be together forever. So the thought of separating feels logistically impossible, and it will 100% blow up my life. But ever since we opened that can of worms with couples therapy and talking about breaking up, the thoughts about it have never gone away. He really is my best friend and I do love him, but I honestly I feel like I’ve outgrown him and our relationship and the thoughts and issues that led us to that place in 2020/early 2021 just keep coming back up for me. No matter how hard I have tried to convince myself, I feel like I’m just finally having clarity about the fact that these thoughts of ending our relationship and needing to grow on my own haven’t gone away for 3 years and I don’t think they ever will. When I think about being together forever, or this being the last relationship I have, I know that I don’t want that. We started dating when I was 20, and he’s the only serious relationship I’ve ever had — the only person I’ve slept with, and the only person I’ve done most sexual acts with. It’s not that we are totally different people now, and honestly it breaks my heart to think about losing him as my best friend, but I don’t feel like I have had true romantic feelings for him for awhile now, and I am not growing in this relationship at all. I don’t want to be stagnant or to feel like this for the rest of my life.
I guess I just really need advice on getting through the logistics of ending a relationship that is this long and this involved. We actually have plans to move to a different state together at the end of the month, and these thoughts have partially crept up for me in a panic realizing that I don’t actually want to settle down in a new house together and pretend like I can continue this relationship. It has also made me realize that if I can uproot my life in this way, I know I have the strength to end this relationship. The ball is already fully rolling on that move, and I feel like it would be better if we were back in our home state to deal with this breakup anyways (both of our families are there, and most of our closest friends). I don’t know how to handle having this conversation, or what to do about our move, because honestly this will probably come as a surprise to him. One of our problems has been that I am the only one to ever bring up our relationship issues and suggest working on things, and when I get exhausted from doing that, I tend to just shut down and then I go through a phase where I try to be happy and accepting and convince myself things are okay. I feel like I’ve been in that latter phase for awhile, and so me bringing this up when he thinks we are making a positive life move together is going to be crushing.
We also have a vacation planned the third week of August that is already paid for, and then we are supposed to move a week after that and his family is coming here to help us. Because of that, I have no idea how to time all of this. I think what I need to do is not move into that house and instead move in with my parents for a bit. But I can’t leave him in a situation where he has the burden of our new rental on his own, and since we haven’t signed the lease yet, it makes me feel like I should say something now before that happens. But then I don’t know what to do about our family vacation that’s already paid for, or what to do about moving since his family was going to come here and help us both. My parents are not in good health right now and can’t help me, and honestly one of the issues in our relationship is that we are very codependent and isolated and I don’t even know who else I could ask to help me do this move. He is away right now, but I don’t know how much longer I can hide these feelings. And since this is already going to be a shock for him, I also am trying to be as fair and considerate as possible about giving him enough heads up and time to process in the midst of how up in the air our life is right now.
I just need help. I feel like I don’t know who to talk to about this in my personal life because it will be a surprise for most everyone, and I’m just scared. I know this feels like a chaotic time to do this, but I also think it would be wrong to move into this new place with him while I’m feeling this way. I’m hoping some people on here can help me get my thoughts in order a bit about how to do this, at least enough to bring it to someone else and go from there.
TLDR: I am looking for advice on how to end my 7-year-relationship. We have plans to move at the end of the month, plus a vacation coming up, and I feel overwhelmed trying to figure out the logistics of this
4 comments
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If you actually lost feelings for him or don’t feel compatible anymore then it’s reasonable to end things. I might note that feelings can evolve overtime or sort of wane and return in rather long relationships. Still, if you made up your mind you mind up your mind.
Personally I don’t quite get the issue with him being the only person you’ve been intimate with or the issue with growth. The intimate thing sounds like FOMO to me. I had been in that situation before and it was a non-issue for me. As for growth what you mean might change my opinion but I think people can grow in relationships. Personal preferences I suppose but such reasons could be left out of the discussion with him.
You shouldn’t really time it. You should have a discussion about it and start untangling your life together. If you think he would flip out maybe you would make more complex plans and time things to remove yourself safely but you don’t really indicate that is a concern. If you’re super nervous or something you could still pack important things and move back in with your parents while he is away. That might blind side him but the news isn’t going to be great regardless.
The main thing he needs is clear communication about things being over in kind but finalizing manner. Second is working together to untangle things like living arrangements or bills. He or you might need to go low contact for a bit then no contact to move on. No contact doesn’t have to be permanent.
You should definitely tell him before signing that lease. You definitely shouldn’t move to a new place. He might end up wanting to rent that place anyway if he has the funds but don’t create more headaches before bailing.
Personally I wouldn’t even go on the vacation. I’d feel weird the whole time. I’d also feel weird about it if I learned my partner wanted to end things. In theory he could enjoy the vacation in ignorance but he could be upset about after the fact too.
Oh my god, are you me?
Not sure if I have a ton of advice, just wanted to relate to you in case that’s helpful. 26F here in a 7 year long relationship, currently living together. He’s a great guy, my friends and family love him and have always seen us as the most rock-solid couple. Tried couple’s and individual counseling and I just don’t think it’s helping. He’s also the only guy I’ve ever slept with or done most sexual acts with. I can’t imagine not having him in my life, but I wish I could downshift to just being friends.. I don’t feel that romantic spark and we haven’t had sex in 9 months. The FOMO has never been a problem for me until other problems started cropping up..
I think other commenters are right, you need to not sign the lease with him. It would be unfair to leave him in that negative financial spot, and he would be really caught off guard to find out you’re not happy afterward..
Just know that the logistics issues are temporary, and your happiness is forever. Would be happy to DM with you as well if it helps at all to talk to someone in a really similar position. I wish I could help more, but I don’t even know how to fix it for myself either!
I’ve been there. Don’t listen to commenters who tell you to rethink it or spend any more time on the process of deciding. You are already committed to breaking up, and your unwavering certainty will help when the conversation starts.
What you need to focus on is logistics. The physical process of moving your life out and into storage (or your parents, wherever) is something that you can think about and plan for right now. It will help you with the anxiety and uncertainty right now, which is what you need most. I would reach out to my parents if I were you and make sure they’re aware. They can help you in ways you might not have even thought of yet.
It’s very important that you know you don’t have to explain anything to anybody. You can say nothing more than “it’s not working for me” and that’s enough for parents, friends, etc. relationships can end. Some relationships (I would even say most) are temporary. That doesn’t take away from their value and it doesn’t mean he won’t always be special to you. But it’s okay to want something else.
Your partner deserves a conversation, of course, but be clear that you’re not open to negotiating the relationship itself. You’re done. The feelings will sort themselves out in time, and solving the moving question will help.
I would assess your finances and do the math on what it would take to decouple everything. Get a dollar number for every scenario. How much would it cost, for example, to pay for movers, pay your boyfriend’s part of the vacation so he doesn’t have to go, etc.
Don’t worry about planning for him. You can help, of course, but this is part of breaking up—he’s going to have to go his own way.
It’s hard no matter what but you’ll figure it out. Approach every conversation with kindness and empathy and courage. You’ll be fine.