I am a (25F) medical student and my stress levels are high. My husband is usually kind and supportive but can have a temper. Today, I came home to find that my study materials for a big exam that I left of the table were gone. I asked if he moved them or knew where they went, and he said no. I checked the trash and there they were, crumpled up with soup poured on them (presumably just thrown away after the papers, not done to intentionally soil them.) I will admit I freaked out. I was yelling at him that it was weeks of work and study guides I worked hard on. He said sorry, and that if it was super important why did I just leave it on the table? I was pissed and saying “sorry” doesn’t really cut it. I was mad he pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about and he got really defensive. Anyways, I told him that instead of working on “useless shit” (his self study materials since he likes to learn and takes free online courses in the sciences) he should remake all the study guides that he ruined. He yelled and threw my papers across the room. The yelling continued until I was just grabbing my backpack to leave, then he got in my face and shoved me into the door telling me to leave. I turned to tell him never to touch me like that again, and he pushed me out the door and slammed it.
Nothing like this has happened before in 4 years together and I’m at a loss. I know my reaction to the soiled papers was not cool and it was dismissive to call his self-study “useless shit.” But I’m also just in shock that he put hands on me like that, no matter what the argument was. I wasn’t moving towards him or in his face, he got up from sitting to push me. Is this something we can work through? Am I to blame for flipping my lid about him throwing my stuff away just for being on a table?
Tl;Dr I lost my temper about my stuff getting thrown away and the argument escalated into my husband shoving me twice
40 comments
Don’t blame yourself. You could have handled things better, but definitely the burden of the argument is on him. From throwing papers from a student to the garbage without consulting you first (very passive aggressive) to putting his hands on you.
You should tell him that he needs counseling immediately and that this could never ever happen again.
I don’t think you caused a fight for no reason. He literally threw your work away without even checking with you, and then got defensive about it because he knew that was fucked up.
If you don’t have any children, you should strongly consider if you think this is going to escalate or get better. And his willingness to attend therapy will indicate to you the best path forward.
I’m sorry this happened 🙁
Me thinks he’s not coping well with how much your studies are encroaching on your lives. Those papers just made that physically obvious: even when you are not home, your studies are still taking up space in his life.
He’s to blame for not talking this through with you.
There is a similar thread, where a wife’s marriage is falling apart due to stress over her medical studies.
He threw away study materials- this was no accident and then he shoved you into the wall. There is NO excuse for this. He’s acting ignorant because he knew it was wrong. Then he lashes out because he’s in the wrong. MAJOR abuse red flags here. Shoving you into a wall is the first step. It will only escalate from here. Therapy doesn’t work for abusers
Honestly, I may have reacted the same way seeing something I worked hard on thrown in the trash. Never a reason for someone to get physical. He should have apologized and moved on. I think it’s a red flag.
The fight, in my view, is just a symptom. There’s wider stuff under the surface here. Tension, stress, communication. Staying apart will allow you to cool down, but you need to reflect on the deeper aspects as a couple.
If you don’t have children, leaving is going to be much easier. This will only escalate. Have you read the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? I highly recommend it.
I’m sorry, but that is a boundary that should never be crossed. You are in a physically abusive marriage and you need to quietly safely get out.
I’m sorry, but I don’t buy that he accidentally threw your study materials away.
Dont be too hard on yourself, you are under tremendous stress. Husband may have sabotaged your study intentionally. You may both need counseling but how you acted is entirely understandable given the stress you are under.
Omg, IMO any man that gets in the way of your education has to be dumped. I would be looking at divorce papers ASAP. Problem is you’re in a very difficult period in your life….would this even be feasible while you’re still in school full-time? Where would you even find the funds to initiate the separation? I would quiet quit this guy until I could find a research job to take a gap year.
He just showed you that he is not capable of managing his emotions and is willing and able to be physical. This is a major major issue and one that should be addressed with extreme care.
The first thing he needs to do Unprompted, is to genuinely apologize to you. First for not being able to control himself and second for throwing out your papers. He is a grown person that presumably can read, he should have taken 2 minutes to read what they where and move them away. Back to the first apology. He not only needs to recognize he was wrong but he needs to own the reason why he got out of control and figure out how that NEVER happens again. Anger management, therapy, these are all things he could and should voluntarily do to show you he is serious.
If he does not do those things, you can be assured he will boil over another time and put hands on you again. I speak from experience. First incident was 8 years ago, second, third and fourth were this year. I had forgotten about the first time until the series of events that unfolded this year happened. And then things started clicking together. I would also suggest you do some research on emotional abuse and see if he follows any of those patterns.
It’s not your fault! Not in the least. Do not blame yourself. That’s him showing his true colors, and you should walk away because it will only escalate. I can for one tell you I did nursing school with my husband with a 1 yr old and ended up needed multiple surgeries one which was complicated and left me in the hospital for a month. To say we were stressed in every sense is an understatement. But never did my husband ever put his hands on me. We had our fights where I was so upset I yelled, I cried, he let me work through my emotions and was supportive the whole way. That’s what a spouse is supposed to do. Not blame you for HIS mistake. He messed up! Not you.
Him shoving you was beyond a red flag. You may have said some stuff that can’t be unsaid but he should never ever have shoved you. Both of you rang a bell that can’t be unsung. He gets physical when he loses his temper and you said out loud your contempt for him. This is not a good situation.
Leave him or tell him to leave. It’s not safe for you and he is the one who was violent and provoked the argument. That’s abuse. He knew exactly what he was doing to your study guides and made sure they weren’t usable.
That should be the last chance her ever has to put his hands on you. Unless defending oneself, a man should NEVER put his hands on a woman. EVER. Don’t even think to blame yourself. This is all on him. You should be seeing an attorney.
I’m having a hard time understanding how someone could mistake textbooks and homework for trash. Something feels intentional about throwing those away, or he’s extremely incompetent and has no common sense.
Pushing you is totally unacceptable. I personally would have a hard time coming back from this type of thing, even if he apologized.
UpdateMe!
He definitely knew exactly what he was throwing away. I don’t buy the “oops sowwy I didn’t know what those were”
I think given that you are studying medicine he should have been more conscious about your papers, but you both lost your cool, however he crossed a big line and only you know his character.
Both of you have issues you need to deal with separately and then together if you are smart. I am sure his side is a little different than yours and hands on is not ok. You both embarrassed yourselves today and need to get some help.
When they show their true colors believe it and run!! NTA OP.
This is a deal breaker.
Are you sure this wasn’t intentional on his part? There wasn’t a way to put all your stuff in a bag or a pile and move it to the side? And this isn’t your fault. You are studying a rigorous load and he knows this. Been here, done this and hope to have the certificate that says I am done soon enough (divorce). Please check my profile for the book why does he do that? and stay safe. I could be projecting but a insecure, jealous man is dangerous when he knows you are not taking him with you on your glorious trajectory in life.
Please don’t ever blame yourself. I’m sure you could have handled it better, bo no one ever has a right to lay hands on you period. And trust me when I say that after it happens the first time, it will be easier to keep happening.
Absolutely not, that is abuse and he should be single.
Putting his hands on you, no matter the circumstance, is absolutely not okay. You did not overreact, and you have the right to be angry when something important is discarded without asking.
I agree with those above who say therapy doesn’t work for abusers. I highly recommend you leave before it gets worse. Statistics show that it will – abusers escalate. Don’t let yourself become a statistic – get out now before it gets more serious.
I would recommend making it very clear OP. You are sorry how you reacted but you will not tolerate any amount of physical abuse and if it ever happens again you will leave and be prepared to stick to that no matter how hard it would be on you. Make it very clear that no hand will ever be laid on you in malice no matter what or you will be gone so quickly.
That is not a red flag, it is a deal breaker.
Sounds like he minds you for studying and working and not spending enough time with him? I could be wrong but throwing away those papers seem out off resentment..
He did it once he won’t have problems doing it again
Sorry OP this must of been very traumatic.
Are you sure he didn’t throw out the papers on purpose?
>crumpled up with soup poured on them (presumably just thrown away after the papers, not done to intentionally soil them.)
I would bet $20 that it was intentional.
Nope. He knew those notes and papers were important if he is even slightly involved or knowledgeable of your life and he threw them away anyway – out of jealousy of not being able to be #1 in your life right now. Then he acted like he didn’t know what you were talking about, and then instead of being sorry about it, he got defensive. And SO WHAT if you hurt his feelings by saying he was doing “useless shit”. SO WHAT? Has no one else ever offended him or hurt his feelings? That does NOT give him the right to put his hands on you. PERIOD. Leave this baby man child now while you can. He will not change and it will only get worse. Please trust me on this.
I don’t like that he put his hands on you, to me that is a red flag of physical abuse that could escalate.
Both my husband and myself had studied for exams etc we also sometimes get mail. Both of us get the papers and run them through the other person before throwing anything. I don’t think that not a single paper of mine has ever gone missing. In fact when I was in a trip he carefully collected all my mail so that when I came back there was a bag worth of mail in my name. Even pieces of paper of shopping lists where I write ” onion, bread, rice etc” don’t go missing. Having said thar we still have our arguments. We might raise voice once in a blue moon, nobody’s perfect. Destroying property and even pushing are domestic violence. I personally havevthis thing that if someone doesn’t respect my property, they do not respect me. If someone close to me thows my stuff, paper with my writing on it without asking first, or even anything that’s mine without asking first that means they overlook me as a person and they lack respect towards me. This could have been a row of raised voices and it could have stayed at that. Based on what I’ve read these things usually escalate. There’s something called cycle of abuse. After the incident you’ll expect a period of good behaviour then the tension would start slowly mounting until another episode worse than this will happen again, then the sorries, again the nice behaviour and the cycle will continue. There’s a book named ” why does he do that?”. Go read that one. If it would be me I’d walk away without looking back, because I wouldn’t want to become a punching bag.
Your responses are very concerning to everyone because you’re not nearly angry enough at your husband for physically abusing you. Full stop. Period. It’s not your fault you don’t have ownership to take, you need to work on getting away from your abuser, not figuring out a way to behave to prevent further abuse.
Hes trying to sabotage you.
There’s no way that he didn’t know what he was doing when he threw away your papers. He’s had to of seen that you’d been working hard on them and I’m sure there had been communication about you working on them. He knew what he was doing and he did it to hurt you and set you back.
Then he chose violence. He gave himself permission to put hands on you.
Through and through this is abuse. Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Here is an [article](https://neurosciencenews.com/aggression-self-control-23624/) explaining that aggression is a highly controlled behavior. Let it sink in that he CHOSE to HURT you. And make a safety plan because it can escalate.
He needs to make serious changes.
A) Medical school notes are EASY to identify – he either didn’t care enough to look at them or he chose to be petty despite knowing what they were and threw them away anyway
B) Your emotional response to what happened to your notes is completely valid! That’s HOURS worth of work and study that’s vital for you to have and keep long-term. I completely understand your reaction and why it happened. You can’t be perfect, especially when something incredibly stressful was very much made even more stressful by his actions
C) I wouldn’t have called his stuff “useless” but I do think requesting his help to fix the problem he created is valid. Given the minimal amount of time you have it’s no wonder you flipped out. You have a lot going on and even the best of us would lose it sometimes in your position. Medical school is BRUTAL
D) ITS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO BECOME PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE!! EVER!!! Any excuse he has for the behavior is invalid. If you can’t trust him to not completely lose it on YOU in a moment of distress, imagine what he would do to CHILDREN or PETS if they pushed him like this.
He needs counseling/therapy or he needs to go. I’ll repeat this because it’s important and true: ITS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO BECOME PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. If he tries to give you any “reasons” or “explanations” you IGNORE them. Don’t even listen to them. Cut them off and tell him there’s never any circumstances when abuse is valid. (Self defense is not abuse so don’t let him do any “but what ifs” with that)
He needs to make abuse a boundary that’s never crossed or he needs to go.
Woah, you are making a lot of excuses for his awful behaviour, time to stop, step away and re-assess, you are likely excusing a whole lot of other things.
I feel like there is something else about him … I can’t point my finger at what it is exactly but I sense some type of control and insecurity about him feeling less than. He knew what these papers were, still put soup on them and then shift blamed on you, then he got physical…. He is not as good as you think…. Do not blame yourself. Run.