My (33m) wife (30f) and I were always on the same page about not having kids. We were cool with working, traveling and retiring early(ish).
Kids just always seemed like such a task that neither one of us was cut out for.
But this year, things changed. I looked around at a family function and realized that in 5 years time it’s not unrealistic that all of our “elders” are dead. My parents are mid 60s, hers are mid 50s but in bad shape, our close aunts+uncles are older and in worse shape (50+years smoking, degenerative diseases etc.). The grandparents that are left are all losing it mentally and are pushing 85.
I’d have my sister left who has some kids, and her sister who wants a boat load of kids. But the idea of trying to inject ourselves into family holidays and functions just seems more and more foreign and awkward as the days pass.
It hit me when I was at that table realizing we may be alone in this world soon, and it hit my wife some random night a few weeks ago. We were getting ready to go to a neighborhood function, filled either with upper 30s DINKS or empty nester. The crowd is a bit pretensious as we border a nicer area of town and are lumped in by default, but fun enough to hang out with. My wife just started crying in the middle of getting ready and just said she doesn’t understand what we are doing. Going out, dressing up, and putting on a fake smile for people we don’t even like? And this is it for the rest of our lives?
It seems like at this point my life is going through the motions and my wife feels the same. We spend our disposable income on going home for holidays, savings, doing DINK (dual income no kids) shit, visiting friends/going to an insane amount of weddings, hobbies etc. But it all just seems pointless.
She is more keen on having kids, I’m not vehemently against it, but I just don’t think I would be a good dad. I think there are enough people in the world, and while I don’t think the world is going to shit like half of reddit does, I think it’s still a gamble.
I just really hate the idea of bringing a kid into this world just because I feel unfulfilled in life.
So long story short: for those of you that started on the fence, were you ever 100% sure about having kids?
24 comments
I don’t want to bring more souls into this evil world of exploitation, it just seems unethical to knowingly do that.
Once I see a glimmer of hope I am all for having kids but as of now no way in hell would I subject someone to this existence.
I started on the fence, but over the years became very sure they’re not for me. I’m looking for a woman who didn’t want kids. I hope to live the double income no kids lifestyle.
I want to find a woman who I can get a vasectomy for.
For me, I never doubted I would be able to be a good father. But I was always shook about the permanence of bringing another human into the world and the responsibilities and duties that came with that. And then it happened.
And as clique as it’s sounds, my daughter is the best thing in my life. I so GROSSLY underestimated how much joy my own child could possible bring me. It made my life more complex but absolutely enriched it beyond measure. It made me love my wife more than I already did. Brought new outlooks and perspectives on my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. Everyday I ponder how blessed I am looking at this little girl. We loved it so much, We are expecting our second girl this October.
Yeah, kids are a lot and can be a pain in the ass. But the pros absolutely outweigh the cons. Good luck man!
Yes, as it’s really the main reason you exist
I’ve been sure about not wanting children since I was about 13. I haven’t changed my mind about it yet, despite all of the people who said I would. If anything, I’m more confident in my decision than ever before
You have to give up pretty much your entire current way of life to have a kid. Just know that. And no going back. Enormous levels of sacrifice. Others might say I’m being too much but I think it’s not enough to get this in potential parents heads. Go into it with eyes wide open. Years of your life will be doing things you don’t like. And giving up tons of money. I have one kid. She is 5. My wife and I are exhausted with just her. Love her to death. But wow the ways my life had changed since January 2018 are just too numerous to list. Best of luck to you, man. It’s a hard decision either way. You see the up and down to both ways.
I’m about to be 37, had my second child 3 weeks ago. First child is about 2 years old.
I never “wanted” kids and figured, similarly, that parenthood is a huge life changing chore, you have to give up and/or modify a lot of your life that, by the time you are in your thirties, you have settled into comfortably. Forward-looking, the thought of the responsibility let alone the cost really freaked me out, so I was in no rush whatsoever.
But I looked at it a bit differently. I thought to myself, how could I know whether I want kids or not if I have no clue what it actually feels like? It’s like saying you don’t like sushi, when you’ve never tried it, because raw fish sounds disgusting… You are not qualified to make that call because you have no frame of reference. I would even go a step further and say any man that says he wants kids, may think he does but it’s still not qualified to say such a thing because he doesn’t actually understand what that means until that is his actual reality.
Anyway, so all that said, why did I have kids?
Pretty simple… When is the last time you met someone with children who said they wish they didn’t have children? Sure if someone really felt that way they probably would be hesitant to actually admit it… But anytime I’ve ever heard an opinion on the subject it is usually been by parents who regret not having more in addition to parents being thrilled that they had any at all.
That’s all I really needed to hear… I made my decision purely on scattered data collection….and I was right. The love you feel for your child is like nothing else, regardless of how much you may love your significant other or your parents or siblings, it’s in our genes.
I certainly respect someone’s decision to forgo children, certainly every person is unique and different and has a variety of experiences that may suggest that is the better option. But if the primary rationale is a lack of some innate “want,” I would argue that is misguided.
This is also the longest reddit comment I’ve ever written since joining in 2013 by multiple magnitudes if that means anything. Good luck.
It wasn’t until I was about 26 until I started warming up to the idea.
Then my wife got preggo. Even though it was planned, over the months of seeing her getting bigger I was scared, happy, nervous.. bag of emotions.
Then, when my daughter popped out and I held her, all of the worries.. stresses.. just melted. I was so happy and so in the moment with her. Scared, thinking ‘holy shit I have someone else to care for now’, but happy.
I wrote up a long post and accidentally deleted the goddam thing. I’m 41 and never wanted kids and have gone through this. Your wife wants kids and will leave you for someone who does or will resent you forever, both bad choices. I’m not sure how you got married with this issue out there (unless she said she wasn’t sure about kids because she wanted to marry you and assumed you would change your mind). Your marriage is in a lot of trouble and you may not even realize that right now.
I don’t have a close family and don’t much want my genetics passing on and would resent all my kids would require to raise them in this modern world. If you’re worrying about being a good dad, guess what? You will be a good dad. Bad parents don’t worry if they will be good parents, they think they’re great parents and their kids are just ungrateful. Having awareness allows you to see life from your kids eyes, that’s the single most important quality of a parent, outside of unconditional love.
As to getting old and being alone? If that is your main reason to have kids, you’re already on the wrong foot. A lot of kids grow into independent adults who visit here and there and most rarely visit their parents in their retirement home.
You might want to have a serious conversation with your wife though, it seems like she got married hoping you may have changed your mind a bit?
I had a relatively happy childhood and came from a big family.
I assumed raising kids would be a huge pain in the ass but that it would pay off in later years like it did for my parents and us kids.
So that’s why I had kids. I had lots of concerns and a number of those came true lol.
But the happy family part came true as well and I have a great time with my teenagers and wife.
It IS an extremely different life for a time for sure, but there are definitely new things and fulfillments that it will bring your way.
and no, you can never be sure it’s the right thing. There is an element of faith.
I was against having kids going up, but my daughters are the best thing that ever happened to me.
It’s a tough decision because it’s easily the biggest/hardest thing you will do in your life, but it definitely is rewarding.
What is dinks?
Alone? Good
Bring more souls to suffer? No good
I was indifferent about having kids, and really enjoyed the DINK lifestyle in my mid 20s. Wife got pregnant and I became a dad at 31.
I think being a father or parent in general is what you make out of it. You can enjoy the small things or fret over minor inconveniences. For me, i hope to give my kids opportunities that I never had and be a better dad than I had (absent father).
wife and I have been on the fence but are almost mid 30s now and we need to make a call soon but we are both 90% no.
For me, as the days go by I become more against it. I am a pretty anxious person in general and I feel like a kid would make my anxiety worse as I would always be worrying about it. Also, it would really be a financial burden for us given our current situation. Lastly, my younger brother has been a pain in the ass for my parents since the day he was born (medical issues/freeloader). He is now 29 and still lives with them and I have witnessed first hand how all his issues have destroyed their marriage. They really should have divorced years ago but my dad doesn’t have the willpower to go through with it.
At the end of the day, it’s my life too and I just can’t justify making such an irreversible decision where I don’t know what’s on the other side.
I have always thought I wanted kids, my wife too. When we first started trying I asked my wife “You’re sure?” She said yes. Now we have twins. It’s a ton of work, it’s really hard, but so far so good.
I believe that it is a selfish act to bring children into this world just to cure your loneliness or your mental problems. If I had the choice, I would never choose to be born into this wicked world. Instead, get a dog, take up more hobbies, adopt a child or do something for nature or humanity.
Are you not concerned about the impact of the growing population, increasing consumerism, degrading lifestyles, and decreasing natural resources on our planet?
As long I was old enough to ask myself the question, the answer never changed for me. It was and always has been a firm no.
My parents split when I was 3. I have been thrown between both parents, and ended up with my dad, which was an absolute shit dad, so it may cloud my opinion on the matter, but I have seen a couple of my friends starting to have children and I can see now what a good family is. Still, it doesn’t change my opinion on the manner; it’s still not for me.
My previous opinion was if you aren’t 100% sure it’s something you eagerly want, then don’t. Now, I would say, that only go for it if you are sure that you and your girl are good for the long run. Call me old fashioned or close minded, but I really think I would have fared much better as a child had I had a proper family unit, instead of parents trying to dump their child on the other, and treating the child as a task.
What I do not like about your post is that you only talk about what YOU want. You have to also think about the children, and a lot of it becomes selflessness.
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One of the thing you talk a lot about is the fear of being alone when you get old. There is a shitton of old people that are left forgotten in retirement homes nowadays, and I can tell you my dad ain’t getting visits from me when he get there.
no, but we have them anyways.
i’ve loved the dad life so far, though everyone’s experience may be different.
I’d you’re considering having children because you think you’ll be lonely in your old age or because your life lacks purpose without children…I’d give some serious consideration to whether it’s children you need or just a new approach to life, new people, new location, new work ideas. Kids may not give your life purpose the way you’re thinking.
I’d say I’m always on the fence. I think I want kids just so I won’t be lonely when I’m older and that reasoning is holding me back. I think fate found a solution cuz my count is extremely low
A guy has a choice. Just do not regret it. I think you have your own answer for a long time. With me, I prefer having children. They make me believe in the good future (far better than me alone). They force me of working harder. They make me a grown man with strong emotions.
I’d be a great father but a horrible husband. Quite the predicament.
45M. Married at 30. Vasectomy at 34. Never looked back. My brother has kids and it looks like a nightmare. Our parents are ageing out, and we’ll soon “alone” and I’m 100% fine with that.