Husband (32M) wants to travel abroad while I will be having my first chemo (30F)

26 comments

1. I will ask him to stay, at the same time in this toughest situation he won’t let me alone. There is nothing more important than taking care of wife. In case of emergency, ask him to call your mother or mother-in-law to stay with you. Because I know how hard to go through chemo phase and I saw my mom struggled a lot.

   Please make sure, that someone who is so supportive to you must be with you. Don’t be alone. Prayers for your speedy recovery.

2. I would tell him that if he goes away when I am having chemo, I will never forgive him. That marriage is about supporting your spouse. He can delay the house purchase or he can fly your mother or sibling to be with you or he can stay. I wish you the best. If you can pre make some soups and easy to easy food for the days after. I am sorry he is being so selfish in uncaring. Perhaps he is afraid for you and doesn’t know how to express that so he is avoiding the issue and unfortunately hurting you in the process.

3. A lot of men want their wives to take care of them when they are sick but will divorce & cheat on their sick wives. Your husband sounds like one of them.

4. Very heartless of him

5. aside from the issue at hand because you’ve received some good advice, i hope your treatment goes well!

6. How can it even cross your mind to go on a vacation when your wife is sick and chemo at that…….

   I just can’t imagine it.

7. This sounds like the start of, “My husband had another wife and family in our home country”.

   Put your foot down, hard.

   Edit, because I didn’t say it before: I am so sorry for what you’re going through. This is goddamn brutal and unfair. You deserve better. You deserve somebody to stay by your side.

8. First, I’m sorry about what you’re going through and second he doesn’t have your back when you need him when you’re sick, his not a real man. Right now he should be hoovering around u like a husband should but he wants to travel the moment he walk out the door you change the locks and file for divorce. You deserve so much better and I hope u beat you cancer good luck and get well soon.❤️❤️

9. My best friend went through chemo a few years back and her husband found every possible chore/task to do other than care for her. I asked him what was going on, as he was normally a very attentive husband. He finally broke down into tears and told me he was terrified he’d do or say the wrong thing, he was so scared that she wouldn’t survive that he found any task that took him away from her. He ran from his emotions. I told him that she’d rather have him there doing or saying the wrong thing than be wondering why he doesn’t want to spend time with her. It took a while, but he finally got that it was more helpful to her to sit with her and watch tv than it was to run off and do tasks that could be easily wait. They both got counselling, she beat cancer and they’re doing really well now.

   Of course, there’s every chance your husband is a selfish knob, but it’s worth asking if this is his (unhelpful) way of dealing with his fears.

10. That’s marriage over territory. It’s totally and utterly unforgivable. How can he be so heartless?? He’s forgetting what he promised he would do on his wedding day.

11. He needs to delay the trip. The sellers of the house will almost certainly understand, especially if they still have your earnest money.

12. I was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer at a similar age to you, I just had surgery and am starting chemo next month. My partner and I (together 6 years) have been long distance recently due to work and he has moved back in with me ever since I had my mammogram showing likely cancer. He has literally uprooted his life. He would not DREAM of leaving me during chemo, at least not unless I had other family support and I told him it was okay.

    I say all this to emphasize that you deserve so much better. This is horrible behavior by your husband. If I was in your situation and wanted to save the marriage, there would probably be a conversation making it clear that if he goes through with this, the most likely outcome is divorce. This is the last thing you need to be dealing with right now, but is it possible to get into a couple’s counseling session to have this discussion with him? Or possibly reach out to a social worker/counselor associated with your cancer treatment center? My cancer center has a social worker on staff and I’m wondering if yours has something similar.

    One other thought I have is, have you guys been checking in with each other about how you’re coping? Is this a big change in his behavior? If he’s normally loving and supportive, this could be a sign that he’s having a hard time with your diagnosis. That’s I think the best possible explanation. Maybe he’s freaking out and it’s manifesting in this strange uncaring behavior. Perhaps try having an open and supportive conversation about how he’s feeling, coping, etc.

    Hope your treatment is as side effect-free and successful as possible. Feel free to message me if you want to talk to someone else who’s also going through breast cancer.

    Edit: One more thought, see if he can postpone until you have a better idea of how you react to chemo. Like they say that sometimes the week after treatment isn’t so bad. So maybe he could schedule it once you guys are more confident that you’ll be okay on your own for a little while. At the very least, he should push it a week so that he’s there with you during the infusion and immediate aftermath (or if not make sure that a family member/friend will be able to support you adequately).

13. INFO: Is it required by his job to do this trip? That detail is extremely important.

14. Yikes! Sounds like he doesn’t want to honor the for worse part of his vows. Many husbands leave when wives get sick but expect the wife to stay when they get sick.

15. This is totally unacceptable- my sister has just, thankfully, successfully finished her breast cancer treatment. Her husband would never have done something like this. If I were you I’d be telling him if he goes away whilst you’re having your treatment then he won’t be welcome back. Does he not realise how I’ll you will be – what a total AH

16. Oh honey. No.

    https://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/our-programs/

    Please contact someone here. Survivors would be HAPPY to take you and support you if he isn’t there. I don’t give a damn about your relationship right now. YOU NEED AND DESERVE SUPPORT. So many hugs and wishes for healing coming your way.

17. >What would you do in this situation?

    I would call my family and his family and see if anyone can travel to be with me?

    Maybe they’ll call him out on being an asshole, but I’d be done with him. If he leaves, then his stuff will be packed when he is back.

    Do you have to put money on this house he is buying? Because I would 100% pull my money out of that purchase and put it in my own personal account.

18. I am so sorry your husband is such a shitty guy. I hope you have a friend group you can lean on.

19. Bruh what? It’s not even necessarily for fun like your title implies. Why can’t he go do that while you are on chemo?

20. So sorry OP about the news and your husband. Basically what everyone here says. Definitely tell him how it makes you feel. If his response is somehow that he is inconvenienced or something. For me this is major error on his part, grounds for divorce. Hope either he realizes his error and corrects, or you find the happiness and support you deserve.

21. Chemo makes you very weak and tired, he should want to be around to take care of you and you’ll definitely want someone at home to look after you. If your husband won’t be around I suggest asking someone else you’re close to if you can. But your husband sounds like a shit person for not wanting to be around and if god forbid the cancer gets worse this doesn’t signal him being supportive. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt — maybe he doesn’t understand how serious it is — but as a cynical person I’d recommend thinking about divorce prep and lawyers on the down low. Good luck with your treatment btw!

22. Tell him it’s AIDS, not cancer. See his reaction. Then, you will know the truth.

23. I’m guessing you are going to be on chemo for a while. I’m confused, business means income. Is he not supposed to work while your in treatment?

    This seems unreasonable to me. I’m guessing it was planned ahead of time.

24. What. The. Fuck? I’m sorry this is happening to you in a very vulnerable position. If he won’t be there when you most need him, what is the point in this relationship?

25. You have been married for only one year, and live thousands of miles away from your family.

    He is telling you that he doesn’t care about you enough to take care of you when you need it.

    His blase attitude towards your health and his flippant comment that the hospital will provide you with someone to help you, would be the only proof I need to know I will never be a priority to him.

    I would seriously tell him that if he leaves, or doesn’t help you, I will hire a divorce attorney.

26. Call your family to have someone with you.

    I hate to say this, but many spouses run away when cancer is involved.