I (22F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (22M) for about 4 years now and he has never shown interest in babies, looking after them etc, however, i am due to move country in literally few days and he has known that for a long time. He was supposed to move with me but he is getting deployed in the navy.
He is constantly looking after his brother’s 2 children and gets angry when i say i want us to spend our last days together. His family has always managed with the kids because he was never asked for help before considering he was never interested in helping with kids etc. He is constantly neglecting my needs as a woman and showing no interest in anything with me.
I’m starting to think i’m the problem, but am i wrong for wanting to spend the time we have left together? This led to me saying to him ‘If you cant look after your children simply dont have any’ because that seems logical to me. Surely if you already have 1 child you plan ahead how you’d look after a second one if both working individuals are busy with their jobs etc. AITA?
13 comments
The horse has already bolted, and you may be surprised to hear that there’s one or two unplanned babies out there, so yeah, you are. Not a massive one though. I guess an arsehole is an arsehole though, no matter the size.
Why have you said that to your boyfriend when they’re his brother’s kids? Your problem seems to be your boyfriend not spending time with you, the issue is not with the brother.
It’s a bit of an insensitive thing to say. The kids are here now and need looking after, regardless of your opinions on whether or not the parents thought about it enough. They’re your boyfriend’s family, so it would be understandable if he didn’t receive you saying that well.
Tbh, it sounds like you’re probably focusing on the wrong issue. Your bf doesn’t want to spend time with you, that’s the core issue here. Looking after the kids isn’t an insurmountable obstacle to spending time together. If he really wanted to, he’d find a way.
What’s the reason your BF is looking after his brother’s kids?
Seems like a bad situation all-round. Reading between the lines, I don’t hold out a lot of hope for this relationship if I’m honest but you’re young and will probably end up happier in a better situation.
Children aren’t always planned, that might be those kids, you, your BF or even your own in the future so try and have a flexible mindset when approaching these things.
It can appear simple to not have kids (and you’re not wrong about that) but it’s no use Monday morning quarter backing people’s lives.
NTA for wanting to spend time with your bf just before you go away.
YT massive A for passing comment on other people’s family size or shape. Also for using the phrase “neglecting my needs as a woman” 🤢
Are you breaking up? You don’t seem very compatible, from the little you’ve said here.
Were you expecting him to return one of the kids?
You haven’t explained the situation.
Is this a short term thing where their childcare has fallen through? Or maybe he’s just pitching in to help with the school holidays?
Either way the way you’ve raised it to him makes you an arsehole.
You’ve gone straight to blaming someone for having kids rather than having a discussion like an adult if anyone else is available to look after them so you can have some time together.
Edit: and the “neglecting my needs as a woman” is fucking icky. Said as a woman.
Well, if he’s Sam from Quantum Leap and he’s able to possess his own brother in the past, I guess that’s a practical solution. Although not a very ethical one
What is going to happen after you go abroad and he deploys?
In your mind, are you expecting to stay together? What is in his mind about this? Is it the same?
It may be that he thinks that when you move country, you will leave him, and so spending time with his ‘own’ family before he cannot see them matters more to him. Maybe he is insecure tht you will be on land and can more easily have your *needs as a woman* satisfied than he will be able to satisfy his needs as a man.
I have no doubt you said what you said (i your title) out of frustration. I think you should hve a big conversation on what is in yours and his head about whether you will be staying together when geographically apart.
Why not plan something that you can do together that involves the kids? He might be wanting to look after them for a bit now because he’s being deployed and doesn’t know when he will see them again, so by taking an interest, you get to spend time with him and allow him a little more time with his family.
Nta. It’s nice for your boyfriend to help out with his wider family but he had to make a decision. Are you his first priority or is his wider family his first priority? He has to make that choice. As his partner, you have the right to be his priority.
I mean, you’re not wrong. But society generally frowns upon statements like that.
Yes, yes you are. He sounds like his trying to be a good uncle and you are taking issue with that/are jealous of children