There is a guy in my college class who I feel is being kinda mean (to only me from my observation). I have to work with him in groupwork sometimes so Ill inevitably meet me. He has a lot of friends in different group so Im not sure anymore if it’s him or if Im the one in the wrong here.
– Always testing boundaries
– Their “honest” criticism is always negative. Genuine praise is rare.
– They accuse me of something I didn’t do once (in a group of 5, someone didnt follow a protocol in the lab and the group was deducted marks. I overheard this guy told another person it wasn’t him so it was probably me)
– Uses sarcasm to be mean or condescending to me in a socially acceptable way.
– In general just treating me like Im a moron.
But there’s moment where he’s nice to me such joking around with me or invite me to places, and all that. So I don’t know how to react to him, which is one of my biggest issue since I don’t know what to do next. There’s also the fact that he doesnt seem to treat others the same way I do and he has a lot of friends in many group, and is well liked, unlike me who don’t really have any friends, that makes it hard to argue he’s the one in wrong here.
Ive been told (on reddit at least) that I might have done something that might be annoying, irritating, or offensive and other people might just not saying it while this guy take the opportunity to ‘correct’ me
What do you guys think? What should i do in this situation?
15 comments
Your experience is very observant so I doubt it’s something you do, besides, if you did something that was abrasive, a kind person would tell you in person, upfront wouldn’t they?
Because you have less friends it’s possible he’s taking advantage of your more vulnerable situation and essentially bullying you. That behavior, where you don’t know exactly where you stand with someone is actually the most toxic of all, because it takes time for you to really draw boundaries.
I’d start by calling them out if you can. Just ask calmly “is there a problem?”. Or name the things he’s doing “are you being sarcastic or mean?”, “why are you accusing me of this?”. Acknowledge verbally that you see what he’s doing. You can almost do it in a humorous way.
In the meantime, work on how to build more social connections. Talk to your college councellor, teacher, get curious how to transform your situation. You’re not alone in this, and the way you handle it, teaches you.
Sit down with him at lunch or outside class and explain how you feel.
Just say
*Hey I need to talk to you outside of class, just us two*
If he agrees than explain what you’ve noticed in his behaviour
*Whenever I am around, you have done X, Y and Z. Do you have an issue with me? Do imitate you or have I do something in the past that bothers you. I really won’t settle this because its bothering me*
And just go from there
Try to be calm, listen, look at his viewpoint but also stand your ground.
If he tries to lie about something you did ask him for an example.
But just go from there
I’m normally one to say to talk to them directly and in private. But some people just won’t talk to you independently or if the do, they play off their bad attitude and deny everything. So I think you gotta Treat him how he treats you.
It sounds like he does this in front of others to prove his “dominance” or some male BS. If he says something rude or snarky just reply with something rude or snarky right back.
For example: if he says in a group setting “so glad you finally did something right” then you can reply with “so glad you finally recognize I did something right”.
Just turn it all around on him. Make it about HIS attitude and not about you or your failures. I bet you aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s his own bad attitude that’s the problem.
Just because someone has a lot of friends doesn’t mean that they have good intentions. I’ll be honest from the description you gave there is a possibility that he is trying to manipulate you. There’s a pseudo-psychological term that comes to my mind it’s called “negging.”
Now, there’s weirdos called pick-up-artists who literally enter interactions with women and attempt these so called seduction strategies probably with limited results. But on the other hand, there are some manipulative and charming guys with good social skills, who come from a position of power be it being popular at school, outrank you at work, rich etc., who no doubt subconsciously use some of these strategies effectively without even thinking that they are “negging.”
It’s possible my take could miss the mark by miles but you presented some red flags when you mentioned the following:
He’s nice sometimes and he wants to invite you places. Other times he puts you down in a “socially appropriate” way. You also mentioned he is always testing your boundaries. Also non-ironically, it appears that you are invested in what he thinks of you. At the risk of Reddit coming after me with pitchforks: from what you have given me, there is a chance that his behavior toward you is motivated by him wanting to have sexual relations with you.
Human beings are complex and I would argue that we all attempt to influence other people.
The question of whether someone’s behavior is harmless as part of the natural give-n-take of interpersonal relations OR something “bad” and manipulative is a very hard line to draw. This is coming from guy who did sales (albeit I’m an introverted weirdo) and I know how guys are because I am one. At the end of the day just be aware that some people are very crafty and make sure YOU decide your boundaries not other people.
I think he considers you a friend just because you put up with his bullshit. I’d cut him off, at least for a few days/weeks. You don’t have to “deal” with anything.
There’s no way to change to a different group? You don’t have to interact with anyone who doesn’t respect you.
Bullies look for the person they think will be more likely to put up with thier shows of dominance. He might have picked up a nonconfortational vibe from you and made you his target. Start making comments back directly to him when he’s targeting you to show him that non confrontational vibe is gone. He’ll not like the change and likely come down harder on you to try to get things back to the way they were between you but keep at it and build your skill for confronting right away and eventually he’ll accept your not going back down. Be mentally ready to say something after he responds to your initial comment because he is very likely to be dismissive or aggressive in tone. The whole point is to show him you won’t back down even if he escalates things.
No name calling or childish stuff like that, Call out what the flaw in his conduct is. It is likely that even if people are accepting of him they know how he can be sometimes and might even find it refreshing someone is calling out his bad behavior to his face.
As a start, think back to specific scenarios and replay them in your mind but instead of remaining quite after his comment imagine you confronted him.
Example: when he blamed you for the project mistake you step near him and say “Did I just hear you blame me for the point deduction?” (In a calm but firm tone). He makes a dismisive or aggressive response then you keep your calm and firm tone and say “Yeah, that’s not what happend.”
Whatever way you decide to do it, show him your not his target anymore. It is likely others will understand your just sticking up for yourself as long as you keep it about that.
nah he’s just socially astute and using (read: bullying) you as a kicking stool to bolster his own social status because he knows who he can pick on without consequence or for his benefit, especially if he’s doing all the things you outlined in group or public settings and only nice you to when you’re one on one, you probably did nothing wrong. *edit* the invites may be hollow and a joke unless you’ve actually gone through with them and they worked out, chances are he’ll stand you up and joke about it behind your back, kinda like how popular high school dickheads sometimes prank ask out susceptible girls for a bet or inside joke; not saying that’s what’s going on but it sounds like it
I had a similar issue with someone like this in the past. To me it appeared like a misunderstanding from not knowing me probably through some prejudice, but when I met the same person in a different buisnuess group, their behavior was more welcoming & positive, but I was very cautious because of our past interaction. would say to talk to him directly, maybe in a group/peer setting, sometimes it helps to have some validation. Bring it up the next time an issue comes up; ‘Excuse me, just an observation, but you always seem to have a negative response to our conversations, do you have a problem with me?’. I don’t think it’s good or bad either way to ask that, @ least you will know.
If you recive a negative response from that, & he tries to shut you down, then you can reinforce those concerns, so at least he knows that his behavior towards you is negative, & if he is okay with treating you that way then you will know who you’re dealing with. The worst response from this could be gaslighting, but it will be obvious at this point. I think this kind of validation is helpful if there is a misunderstanding, because it helps with easier conflict resolution in future conversations.
I think he likes you and wants to get your attention. Though he seems toxic. Do what you will with that info
I had a workplace bully that did this, and it’s normal for them to do that whole pattern you described to keep control of the situation they are creating. Antagonize, isolate, confuse, damage control.
Check out “controlling people by patricia evans” from your local virtual library or something.
If he says anything to you stand up for yourself. If you overhear him talking about you, let him know you heard and tell them the truth. He sounds like he’s social and has no filter and possibly lacks empathy and just doesn’t care how he may offend others or just doesn’t realize the effects of his comments. He’ll keep doing this to you unless u stand up for urself, I doubt he is putting u down on purpose. It’s clearly bothering you how he treats you as a classmate but in his mind he’s not doing anything wrong probably. he still invites you places, this might be his current personality but you have the freedom to check him and call him out on his bs. Don’t over think it or complicate it. Find the courage to let out what needs to be said, he’s just playing dominance but who knows, he could also feel threatened by u and he does these things without thinking
I had a similar issue, nice at first but becomes a dickhead in the end.
I tried giving him a warning to stop but, just came out into a backstabbing situation, spreading rumors and making me a bad guy.
he also treat me differently the way he treat others and his jokes were very offensive and that’s why i had to cut him off instantly.
I’m sorry, but I need a little more context…
Are you a male or female?🤷🏽♂️
I wouldn’t make the mistake of having the underlying assumption that people who are popular are ‘nice’ in any way. And especially not to people who are socially ‘weaker’ than them. By far the most popular people in my university halls of residence used to throw the hall ‘nerd’ in the canal and surround overweight girls in public and publicly humiliate them in a big pack. Popular people can basically do or say anything they want to the people in the bottom half of the pecking order/status hierarchy without any repercussions.