I (20f) have known this guy at my university (20m) for quite some time now. We had classes together, but hit it off the semester ended. We went on a “date” (i guess I can call it that) where he indicated sexual intrest in me and I told him the feelings were mutual. I didn’t know how to proceed with this newfound information so he said I didn’t have to know what to do, it was my choice. I’m pretty damn sure I want to have sex with him, but I have a good amount of sexual trauma that can get in the way of certain stuff. I also have a few physical insecurities but that’s less of a big deal. I need advice on how to proceed with this guy and how to break down what’s going on on my end in a way that wont spook him off.
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I would start getting to know him on a deeper level if you are interested in him that way, and not jump to sex straight away. That way, there will be a time where, if you are willing to, open up about your sexual trauma before having sex with him so he understands.
> I didn’t know how to proceed with this newfound information so he said I didn’t have to know what to do, it was my choice.
This means he’s put the ball in your court, so-to-speak. This is a good sign w/r/t his ability to respect your boundaries and consent, but being 20 I wouldn’t assume a high level of emotional maturity until it’s better demonstrated.
If you want things to continue moving towards a sexual/romantic dynamic, you’ll have to state it unequivocally to him. I’d recommend communicating your interest and issues in the form of a compliment sandwich: mention something you’ve fantasized about doing to him, phrase one of your hangups in terms of an initial boundary, and then make it clear that you aren’t against sex with him, just tabling it for the short-term. If he’s a decent guy this will go over much better than if you met his “statement of interest” with your own “list of reasons why you aren’t interested in sex with him”.
For starters change nothing. You guys fell for each other being exactly who you are. Keep that.
As for your trauma, don’t worry about spooking him off. Only worry about telling him the truth and being your genuine self. Don’t hide or try to present a version yourself.
Take things slow, get to know each other on a deeper level. Strengthen that friendship you’ve build communicate openly and honestly. Also note he might have trauma too and I can guarantee he has insecurities too. All humans do. So be kind and understanding to each other. When you get to sex, remember it’s playtime for adults. Don’t take anything seriously. This isn’t about impressing or showing off. It’s about bonding and laughing and making each other feel good.
Invite him over to watch a movie
If he’s your good friend- def be open with him about it. Share what you might be comfortable doing (and what you want to do) and why you might need to stop if necessary. If he’s a good guy, as a friends he’ll hopefully be there for you, and in the bedroom, he’ll be thrilled either way haha even if you have to take it slow.