TLDR: husband woke me up touching me which I didn’t consent to and claims he doesn’t remember. Is this a thing guys do? Is he actually doing it in his sleep?
For context, I’m 7 weeks post partum. Emotionally I feel fairly fine, it’s been back and forward with the first two weeks being pretty stressful. Every time I’m up with the baby, I’m in the room with her for at least 45 mins – 1hr and it takes me an hour (often longer) to fall back asleep, but husband seems to be able to fall back asleep straight away.
Husband and I have yet to have sex after having the baby. I may still have a couple stitches and the scar tissue is tender. He understands this and isn’t pushing me to have sex sooner than I’m comfortable, but he’s getting understandably antsy.
Before bed, we agreed that he’d get tonight’s feeds and I’ll get tomorrows etc to allow one of us to get a fuller nights sleep (we tried alternating feeds each night with him getting the first and I get the second but both of us are having broken sleep, and with how long it takes me to fall back asleep afterwards, I’m sometimes getting half hour sleep in between feeds). He stayed up late and I went to bed at about 10.30. I dunno when he came to bed but I woke up briefly at 1.40am and he wasn’t in bed and miraculously managed to fall back asleep pretty quickly. I was woken up at about 3am to him touching my vag (over the trousers but actively feeling around for it not just resting his hand) so I moved my leg to push his hand away and he seemed to try to put it up my top/feel around for my waistband but stopped there. I’ve told him before I don’t consent to being woken up like that and don’t want to be touched in my sleep, especially halfway through the night. He claims to not remember and that he’s doing it in his sleep but this has happened quite a few times in the past, all of those times he claims to not remember. I kind of find it hard to believe that he’s doing it in his sleep. Is that a thing? I’m exhausted from taking care of the baby and was looking forward to a good/full night’s sleep just to be molested awake. After he stopped, I just couldn’t fall back asleep. About an hour later the baby woke up and I asked if he was getting it (as we agreed he would) and he rolls over and says “can you get this one”…I got out of bed and went to get her bottle and he was in the room tending to her and says “I’ve got this”. I told him to go to bed which he did for about a minute and came back insisting he take over so I told him I was pissed that he woke me up touching me knowing I dont like it and I’d been awake since, and then he looked confused and tried to deny doing it. I walked away and went downstairs with the intention of talking to him tomorrow when I’m not so angry so I don’t say things I regret.
I’m honestly so pissed off right now and still haven’t been able to fall back asleep (three hours after he woke me up). I’m currently on the couch (we have a deal that whoever is too angry to sleep next to the other person has to sleep on the couch). He knows to leave me alone to cool down when I’m angry so he text me. He said he’s sorry and I believe he is but cmon, do guys really touch up their wife in their sleep? Is this a thing? It’s happened often enough and it’s really annoying.
32 comments
To be honest I’ve done this in my sleep with my wife. Am i actively trying to have sex with her? No Im not and i understand consent and boundaries. Fortunately she understands there’s no foul play involved because im actually asleep when it happens, and it doesn’t happen often at all.
Yes. It’s a thing. Even having full blown sleep sex and not remembering at all is a thing.
Next time he asks if you can get this one just say “no.”
It’s called sexsomnia. Has he changed medication or started a new one.? especially a sleeper tablet. That be the cause.
Some people have driven cars in their sleep
My husband does it too. He is genuinely fast asleep and has no recollection of it. Sexsomnia is real.
Edited to add: putting a pillow between you might help.
Lack of sleep is a beast. Can yall get a helper to stay a night or 2 so yall can catch up on sleep?
And for the other question .. when there’s lack of sex my dreams are wild, I have such intense cravings, I’m a woman and totally dream I’m having sex so real I can feel it, if it’s been a while. And when we are sufficiently active, we’ll hold hands at night, even in our sleep cuddle, touch , reach over for each other. . So yeah I your man could just be asleep and having massive withdrawal…the lack of sleep is making you both edgy.
Have a family member come help, hire a night nanny, get relief. Don’t have the marriage suffer, you are both just exhausted, it’s not a competition.
Yes. My husband does too
My husband does it. He’s very, very aware of consent and very, very respectful of my boundaries. But every now and again it happens. In the right mood I’ll go with it. In the wrong mood he’ll get an elbow. It usually happens if we haven’t had sex in a while because we’ve been busy, almost as if his subconscious is like “okay buddy, we need to get laid” but it’s 3am. He only ever remembers if we go through with it. If we don’t and he asks me how I slept and I say “Not well, you spent the fucking night dry humping my leg” he’ll act shocked.
We’ve been together 20 years so I know how normal this is for us and I’m not post partum. Had I been post partum there may have been violence and I would be just as angry as you are. I would have drop kicked him if he had asked me to get out of bed for the baby. So even as we all tell you that yes, this happens – you have every right to your emotions.
My ex had this. It was a real sleep disorder. Have him talk to a sleep specialist to confirm.
I have woken up in the middle of kissing my wife, running my hands all over her, clearly trying to get something started with her. One time I asked her “what is happening right now?” She gets PISSED when this happens, rightfully so. This has happened maybe 5 times in our 10 years of marriage. It’s usually when I’m in a really stressful time. I also sleep walk and talk in my sleep when I get stressed. So if that is diverging he does too, this could be similar.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be pissed, I’m just saying give this thing a full investigation.
I sleep in the same bed with my wife. We cuddle and sleep and sometimes I have a hand in a boob or something…..not trying to molest her.
I read on this sub just a couple of days ago about a similar situation, only it was the wife groping the husband in her sleep. So this is not just a man thing either. It happens and is not intentional. Sounds like your husband respects you and your boundaries, but he can’t control what he does when he is asleep anymore then he can control what he dreams.
I’ve done this. Woken up with my hand up my wife’s shirt and mid-pulling her clothes off.
No idea why. No sex dream remembered, no prolonged period without sex. I’ll just wake up groping my wife.
It does happen. Maybe try different beds for a short period or at least separate blankets so access is a bit more difficult.
I’ve done this to my husband being half asleep/in a dirty dream and I’ve started on him like we’re about to have sex. That said, we both enjoy being woken up like that so it wasn’t an issue. If it had been 2 months since we had sex and I was having a dirty dream and all horny I can totally see either one of us doing this.
Yes, it’s totally a thing.
100% a thing
Ever driven to work in the morning and then thought “shit, I don’t remember driving here at all”
Kind of the same thing.
My husband has done this and I also get upset. He has initiated sex and woken up fully naked before and has no recollection of either. It seems very bizarre to me, but also he struggles to get quality sleep and he is a generally stressed/anxious person, I think that contributes to it.
It’s a thing. She has told me of times when she tries waking me up I try to seduce her all half asleep. Puckered up with my eyes closed and smooching the air lol. I’ve also been handsy in the past. I’m extremely attracted to my wife even in a half conscious state. Luckily my wife doesn’t mind. She laughs, I laugh. We get on with the day. I have 0 recollection of any of these times that it’s happened
Yes. It can happen when you’re starved of affection and intimacy. You’re having sex dreams and while you’re asleep your brain is subconsciously reaching out to the person in bed next to you. He’s not doing it on purpose.
Unless my wife and I have argued I will cuddle her and that may be cupping her breast. She also sometimes will be the big spoon but she has a tendancy to scrab me in her sleep. It wouldn’t be the first time I have woken with scratch marks on my chest and shoulder.
We have neve discussed consent or boundaries, we aren’t of that generation, we just naturally know when it’s OK or not.
My husband says that I do this in my sleep. Yes, it’s a thing.
It happens. Especially likely because he’s sleep deprived. It makes it a lot more likely that he’ll say or do things he doesn’t remember in a halfway sleeping state.
my husband does this in his sleep sometimes, i understand it making you uncomfortable.
sometimes it makes me feel that way but my husband understands boundaries and would never do anything i didn’t want so if i just push him away or wake him up, he always apologizes and stops.
sit down and again explain your boundaries, try and see if you can find a solution to make everyone comfy and make a plan on how to handle it next time it happens.
also, make your husband stick to his shifts in taking care of the baby. If you let him get away with “can you do it this time” on his shifts once, he’ll always try and get you to do it every time after.
he needs to stick to his commitment just like you do without asking for help unless it’s an emergency, otherwise he’s just being incompetent which will lead to a whole lot of resentment towards him from you and a whole lot of him thinking you’ll take over most of the responsibility if he just decides he doesn’t want to do something because you’re the mom and ultimately will make sure the baby has what they need, with or without him being there.
Yeah, this is somewhat common and I’ve done it. I have no memory of it and fortunately my wife doesn’t get upset – she just moves my arm and it’s fine.
My husband does this. At times, accompanied by a snore in my ear. Must be a good dream 😄
ETA: OP, I wouldn’t take it as an offense, but I do completely understand where you’re coming from when running on zero sleep. Exhaustion makes everything enraging – especially something that gets in the way of that precious sleep. See if you can sneak in naps during the day, or maybe he can take over for a night while you get some good sleep at a nearby hotel.
It IS a thing but that doesn’t make what you’re feeling invalid and it’s not any less violating and you should have a conversation about that for sure. If it continues he needs to look into a sleep study bc it’s technically considered a sleep disorder but it could be induced by lack of sleep in general.
Either way you don’t have to endure or put up with it if you don’t like it. No one should be touched without consent it doesn’t matter the reasons behind it.
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Sexsomnia is certainly a thing. Both me and my husband have touched each other while asleep and both didn’t remember the next day many times throughout the years.
That being said he has full consent to touch me while sleeping and we regularly have sex on the weekend by him waking me up with sex and touching when he comes to bed late. I enjoy it and it’s our thing every weekend.
Well yeah, it happens. It is generally not deliberate. I instinctively reach for my wife in my sleep. It irritates her at times.
Yeah, this is pretty normal. Fortunately, I don’t get upset if my hubby touches me, nor vice versa, but it’s a thing.
And it’s been a couple months for y’all… his brain and body are getting antsy, but he sounds very respectful.
Having a new baby is very taxing and can be tough on a marriage. It does get easier with some time. Is it possible to work it out so you both get a night/couple of nights of really good sleep.
Yes. It’s a thing
I’m probably the outlier here, BUT, after years of being together and married. My husband typically gets aroused between 1-3 am, that’s his peak time. For me, it’s when we start the going to bed process. But of course with jobs, kids and different levels of exhaustion, we seem to have staggered sexual interest. Sometimes I’ll kiss him, or, go down on him while he’s asleep and he usually doesn’t refuse and thoroughly enjoys it. I have his consent-that is an understanding we have. The same for me, if he finds himself aroused, and I’m asleep, I’m perfectly fine with him engaging an intimate touch. This isn’t the status quo for all married couples, but we have this understanding and it works for us. He takes a stimulant for ADHD and as the med is eliminated, he crashes hard and falls asleep. In the rare event the intimacy is not reciprocated, I wouldn’t say it’s full on rejection, but a gentle “sorry babe … I can’t now… later?” I implicitly trust him and he trusts me with intimate touch. His love language is physical touch (both sexual and non-sexual). He is very introverted and has overcome severe performance anxiety (the product of terrible infertility and aggressive therapies), trust and consent is understood. He is usually a heavy sleeper, but usually awakes easily with intimate touch. We typically have an understanding if we plan to be intimate (planning has been a savior, spontaneity is just not in the cards), it is understood anything is game. Like I said, not conventional, but it works for us-he gets incredibly uncomfortable talking or asking for intimacy, it seems more natural for him to be nonverbal though his actions. Just my two cents.
I’m thinking he’s embarrassed and wants to act like he doesn’t remember. I’m not condoning anything. I’m just surmising that he hasn’t had sex in a while, wanted to try, and got turned down in a way that bruised him. Next day, he’s being argued to about it. Recommend you drop it or just keep at it and make him feel worse.