So me and my partner have been together for nearly 10 years basically since school. I love her more than anything I know. Recently (past year or so) she’s become very sensitive to the things I say, I’m very honest but also feel like I know the right time and place to say things.
For example she explained how she wasn’t happy with her figure specifically the gut area and we’ve been together for a long time and have both obviously aged and put on weight. So I suggest why don’t we exercise because by the sounds of it we both need it. She initially agreed but ever since when I bring it up (because we haven’t started exercising) she snaps and says “yes okay we will soon”.
She also says she’s unhappy with her clothes so I’m honest and say she does tend to wear a lot of the same things (styles and colours) and how about trying out completely new looks. But then I get told I’m trying to “change her”.
There’s more examples but I honestly feel bad even sharing these albeit anonymously but still. I’m at my white end really because it’s got to the point where she’ll become upset sometimes even to tears just by a comment I’ve made on how a certain top might look better with different jeans she has.
It’s as if she thinks I have some perfect idea of how I want her to be in my head but that’s not at all the case. I just want to help solve her problems and encourage her to try new things.
Thanks in advance for any advice on how I could better approach this situation and please I’m super open to criticism of my methods.
Tl;dr: my partner accuses me of trying to “change her” and is very sensitive to things I say although all I’m encouraging is solutions to her problems. (She’s unhappy with her figure = we should exercise), (She’s unhappy with her clothes = try new styles and colours) etc.
7 comments
Has she been assessed for depression?
> but also feel like I know the right time and place to say things.
Nope, you don’t.
When someone complains about themselves, you aren’t supposed to agree and point out more of their flaws. That will only upset them. Instead, sympathize with them with “that sucks.” Don’t give them more examples or tell them how to fix things. They can figure it out on their own, and usually they already know but would like some sympathy and passive support from others.
Why were you giving advice and criticism in those situations in the first place? You certainly don’t mention her asking for advice. Did you ask her if she wanted advice before you offered some?
First up, your partner sounds like she’s struggling from insecurity and anxiety, and could benefit from therapy to help build self confidence. Secondly, you know that you’re trying to help her by encouraging her to fix the issues she’s pointing out, but she sees it as your pressuring her and kind of affirming that these things are problems. For example, if she’s put on weight, you saying we could both use a trip to the gym comes off to her as you think she is fat and want her to lose weight. It’s about communication, but also her own insecurities.
She’s fishing for compliments. She doesn’t want solutions, she wants to complain and for you to say stuff like, “Gut? What gut? I don’t see a gut because I can’t take my eyes offa dat ass.” Or, “You could walk around wearing McDonald’s paper sacks on your feet and you’d be the hottest little hobo in town.” I’m not saying telling her the stuff is healthy, and you might not want to do that- some people prefer honesty instead of getting their ass kissed, BUT she’s wanting support and whatnot. Do with that what you will.
The issue is that she’s looking for reassurance from you when she’s feeling insecure and you’re basically confirming to her that she does in fact have a reason to feel insecure. And it seems like you don’t personally see these things as anything to be ashamed of, but she does. These are also very personal things and your solutions are not necessarily *her* solutions and she’s the only one who can decide that. What she will most need is support while she pursues HER solutions to her problems.
Maybe try these questions when she says something like this.
“Hey, are you looking for reassurance from me right now or ideas on how to solve this? Because I think you’re hot and you deserve to think the same thing about yourself. You’ve mentioned this a few times and it hurts me to see this affecting you so much.”
“What kind of support do you need right now? Do you want to brainstorm some solutions that might help you not feel this way and just have me listen or do you just need a hug?”
“I think you look beautiful. Where is this feeling coming from?”
All these people are just encouraging you to feed her insecurities. I don’t tolerate a partner who goes fishing for compliments because it is childish and it breeds insecurity and resentment. If she wants to feel better she needs to take steps to do that instead of putting a bandaid in the situation. I’m not sure what advice to give, maybe you should encourage her to go to therapy to deal with her insecurity