I resisted separation so long. If you look back at my past posts. I was hopeful and very resistant to separation. My husbands drinking got out of hand.. after a turn of events found out he also is doing cocaine on a very regular basis…. Promised up and down he didn’t bring it to our home. I ended up finding it in our garage.. I went ballistic. Why wasn’t I worth the truth?
I finally am just agreeing to separate.. he is no longer the person I married, knew for 16 years. I mentioned not rushing into divorce and to go on our own journeys for awhile to see if we both come out on the other side better people… he told me there’s no glimmer of hope in our marriage… period.
I feel like I’m mourning a death.
While he really has had no input on how he wants to move forward beside separating. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that as little contact as possible and to just co-exist until some sort of mutual agreement can be made or eventually divorce.
Maybe I’m not looking for specific advice. But I feel incredibly alone and definitely insanely sad I couldn’t fix this.
3 comments
Im sorry you are going through this. That’s an extremely heavy burden to endure knowing that the rest of your life will look different than how you wanted it to turn out.
You can’t fix people. And you can only put forth the time, and energy to fix your own shortcomings because we can’t control how much others care, even if it hurts us tremendously.
Don’t forget for a second how BIG it is that you chose to love yourself first through this though. Many people turn a blind eye and choose to live unhappy so they have more control of what their life looks like and/or so they don’t have to feel how lonely loneliness is.
But even though it’s painful, you are choosing to put yourself over him. That’s big. And that needs to be celebrated. You are choosing to look a red flag in the face and hold a boundary by not allowing that behavior in your life.
I’m sorry that I don’t have advice. I just wanted to acknowledge that you are doing hard things, and a random stranger on the internet is proud of you.
Well, definitely not the same kind of grief but having lost my dad and best friend suddenly a few months ago, I can say that this is probably just going to take time. It’s okay to feel like shit right now, it’s okay to feel tired and depressed, it’s okay to feel angry, or devastated, or relief, or disappointed, or whatever uncomfortable feelings come up. Just let yourself feel them and know that this is a process that WILL get easier with time.
I also suggest reading up on clean pain (e.g. grief) vs dirty pain (e.g. guilt).
You are losing someone incredibly important to you. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve. Listen to your body and just try to get through the days right now. And I think reducing contact and starting to separate yourself emotionally is a good idea (unless you have kids?) but don’t delay the grief. And be fucking proud of yourself for sticking by your own needs and boundaries because you love yourself enough to do so. That’s REALLY hard for so many people and you did that.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I walked with a friend through her divorce. It is grief you’re experiencing. I think maybe a support group like AlAnon r/AlAnon could help and or counseling if you can afford it.
There a really good video on grief here. https://youtu.be/SQ19Xa7KiLc