My fiancé is upset with me because she told me that right before she met me she hooked up with a guy (or said she had feelings for after long distance relationship of 2 months) and got pregnant after the first time they had sex. She got an abortion and met me not too long after. He abandoned her. Fast forward to now, she told me about this whole situation and is mad at me because I didn’t come off as caring enough. I told her I was sorry that she went through that. Majority of the conversation was her telling me what happened and she got emotional about it. I told her I was sorry she went through that and that I don’t judge her for it. I told her that I still love her and and what happened in the past is the past. I was a little quiet after and asked her more details about the relationship with her and the guy involved. She answered my questions and said that what she went through was very traumatic and I didn’t care enough. She said I was more concerned about my ego. She also said she feels like I judge her for it. Am I in the wrong here?
TL;DR: my fiancé got an abortion with someone she hooked up with right before she met me. She says I wasn’t caring enough despite the conversation we had. Did I do something wrong?
4 comments
It’s possible that the questions you asked either missed the focus of why she wanted to share her experiences with you, or she inferred some judgments or assumptions about them. That’s just a complete guess coming from an internet stranger, though.
It’d be best to tell her that you recognize that she’s upset about this, and that you’d like to work with her in expressing your sympathy for her feelings and experiences in a way that’s compassionate and non-judgmental. Ask her what kind of support she’s looking for, and navigate a framework that works for both of you.
Is this the first time she’s overreacted when you didn’t respond in the “right” way in her eyes? If it’s not the first time, I would call this a major red flag.
You are going to react to these kinds of things in your own way. This particular situation she admitted to is extremely complex and past behavior could be an indication of what she’ll do in the future.
If this is the first time something like this is possible, tell her that when she says something that’s emotionally loaded, you will react the way you need to. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her; it means that she can’t demand a “caring” response while you’re digesting all she’s told you.
If this is a constant kind of thing, then *you don’t want to deal with this emotionally blackmailing woman*.
While this is something a bit traumatic that she went through, it is part of her past. She might have glossed over the fact that it just might make you uncomfortable. I would not want to hear about my fiance aborting another mans child, therefore it would be hard to drum up emotional support for that. I can tell you that aborting a child has the potential to haunt her the rest of her life! Especially after having kids. So be prepared to console her every now and again when this comes back up.
I would want her to know that at that time and place she made the best decision possible for the position she was in. There was going to be a cost no matter what she decided.
>I was a little quiet after and asked her more details about the relationship with her and the guy involved.
What were the things you asked her about, specifically? Those seem like very pertinent things to leave out, since after you asked them is when she got upset.