for context:
my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. long story short, he’s christadelphian and i’m agnostic/atheist. this has been a conflict for us etc etc… anyway.
we have been working on finding compromise in order for our relationship to move forward. during these conversations he has told me he’d want us to be married before we move in together. he’s open to the idea of us moving in together prior to marriage but does not see it as ideal or very realistic considering his religion, family and traditional values.
he is concerned that it would appear as though we are having premarital sex (we most definitely are) and could cause upset within his church and family. his family pretends they don’t know we already have sex (see again, we have been together for two years)
he’s going to talk with his religious friends and family and do some research before coming back to me with a bit clearer of an understanding on his position. i’m uncertain.
i’ve always seen my ‘ideal’ timeline as:
date, move in, engaged, married, kids.
but he’s expressed to me that he’s always assumed he would be married before living with his s/o. this seems crazy to me! but i’m reconsidering things now as i love him very much.
nothing is decided between us yet, but i wanted to ask, do you feel it’s necessary to live with someone before committing to marrying them? if so, for how long and WHY?
(NOTE!: i understand there’s a bigger conversation to be had here about our compatibility with values/religion etc but in this post i’m asking mostly about the decision of marriage vs moving in. please understand this)
TLDR: my bf is religious, i’m not at this stage. he wants to be married before moving in because of tradition, his biblical views and how it would look to his family and church if we did otherwise.
what are the pros and cons to each option here?
EDIT: we are NOT looking to get married for at least another 3-4 years. ideally longer!
12 comments
>(NOTE!: i understand there’s a bigger conversation to be had here about our compatibility with values/religion etc but in this post i’m asking mostly about the decision of marriage vs moving in. please understand this)
This is a big nope. You need to be compatible in terms of values and religion **before** moving in together or getting married. Unfortunately, you’re not compatible now and *you* would have to bend for the rest of your life because he certainly will not.
Tbh, he sounds like he’d rather ask his church than you for advice. I’d raise a big giant red flag sorry :c
Hard nope. You never see the true habits until you live with someone
You shouldn’t move in or get married to this guy. You know this. Why are you ignoring it?
People have different opinions. Often more religious or traditional people want to wait. You should probably check for other assumptions or deal breakers before you two get too attached.
Personally this could be a deal breaker. I want to know what the day to day is like living with someone before marriage. A compromise might be an extended engagement where you live together after a proposal but don’t get married for a year or two.
People in favor of waiting until after marriage will often say you can still get to know someone well enough. I disagree strongly. People have habits you aren’t aware of without living together. Maybe he will expect you to do most of the chores or can’t compromise about household things. Just having roommate problems is a thing for couples.
Still some people will prefer to wait and that’s their business/choice.
You need to get this religion difference sorted out. Its way bigger than the living together because it’s going to shape your entire future.
How will you handle religious holidays? What are the expectations for both of you? How will you spend your sundays? If you plan on having kids, how will they be raised? What kind of marriage ceremony will you have? Will you be expected to attend religious services and if so, which ones? How big of an impact will the church have on your lives? Apparently, you can’t upset the church by living together first, what does that mean? What happens if the church is upset? Why does his family get a say in anything? How much influence will they have over your life?
Yes, you should live together first before marriage. It’s a good trial run to see how you can handle everything in your life being meshed together. You find out if you can manage a budget, how the chores are done, how to do meal planning, how to handle always being together. It’s better to find out if you are really living partners compatible before there is paperwork involved. I would say at least a year or two.
But really, this religious difference is going to be difficult to manage. You may be incompatible because of it.
There are studies that exist that suggest that couple who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than those who wait until after marriage. Might be something to look into.
>he’s christadelphian
What does this mean?
>we have been working on finding compromise in order for our relationship to move forward.
There isn’t *really* a compromise here that doesn’t involve one of you lying to the other about how you actually feel.
The fact that he’s already lying to people and betraying his stated values kind of tells you all you need to know. He cares more about the perception of others than he cares about reality. He is not a good person.
Yes, it is always better to live together before getting married. Some people, for religious reasons, choose not to. Those people are taking a giant unnecessary risk.
And again, just to be clear: your boyfriend clearly isn’t religious. He just cares more about other people’s opinions than he cares about yours.
Yes you should absolutely live togheter first. Dating and living together are two different beasts entirely….
> for context: my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. long story short, he’s christadelphian and i’m agnostic/atheist. this has been a conflict for us etc etc… anyway.
And it will always be a source of conflict. You are 19, don’t waste more of your time and life on this guy and do not get married
Personally I think marrying someone before you live together is a terrible idea. Across the board, it’s just a bad idea.
A friend of mine got married at 20 with some guy so they could live together and it worked ok-ish for one and a half year. Then it went to shit, and after a year of shit they started their divorce. Pretty messy, even though they were both good people, so there was no extra difficult circumstances. The thing is, she told me she would have left the relationship earlier but if it hadn’t been for their marriage. Even though at the time she said that it wouldn’t change their relationship, it was just a practical measure. So, if you asked her she would definitely not recommend. From this age on, you both will change and grow a lot, and making long-term decisions like getting married, or doing stuff that sometimes makes it practical to be married like when buying a house or having babies, are not ideal. Figure out what your future will look like, individually and together. From your description you have a lot to figure out before you take that step.
Edit: Saw your edit now, what a relief. Yeah, still don’t hurry. Big con: Nor living together before you won’t get to know each other. Do you guys not have different values and how would that translate in a more serious relationship? In terms of gender roles, household responsibilities etc. You really get to know someone when living together. Pro: If you own property and one if you die the other inherits. Tax benefits?