I am a 33M married to a 29F for the past 4yrs. We both are of conservative Indian background. I was originally supposed to marry my then girlfriend but due to her parents not agreeing to the marriage due to differences in race and incompatibility of our horoscope.
They ill-treated my Dad and looked down on us. I was down and out with what had happened. Seeing all this my Dad arranged a marriage for me (which is very common in India), I was not interested but he threatened to hurt himself if I didn’t go through with it. So I agreed to it as I feared for the safety of my father.
My wife apparently wanted to study masters after her bachelor degree but her father pushed her to get married as this is a priority for many Indian parents.We both got married this way. After marriage, she has voiced out she is unhappy with my parents house and our lifestyle. She even went back to her parents house as she was not happy. When I tried to get her back, she didn’t want to come home, when I spoke to her parents they voiced out they were scared she would commit s\*\*\*\*\*e but begged me to overlook her behaviour. So, we live in our own house now as this solves most of the issues. When she wants something, she wont eat as a way for me to look into it. She is also suffering from a medical condition.
Coming to the point – I get to realise that I have no feelings for her. I have forced myself to love her but I have been unsuccessful. I am unable to clearly voice it out as I fear whatever I do I will hurt her parents or my parents and I am thinking of worst case scenarios where she will hurt herself like her parents have expressed. I didn’t want to do anything in haste, so I gave it an year but things have not changed. I have kept it to myself, this has lead me to have panic attacks and I have lost complete interest at work. I just want to run away somewhere.
Even though all this has happened, I cannot point out any particular thing that I expect from her as I have no feelings for her. I have decided that I want to get out this relationship, so my questions are
1. Is there any advise you guys can provide on how I can end this relationship?
2. How can I protect her from doing anything stupid like she committing s\*\*\*\*\*e?
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Let her have some space, go for second honeymoon
you can’t save anyone or help them unless they want to be helped. Also, she doesn’t seem to want to be in this marriage as well so if you let her go, she will not want to commit suicide. Protect your mental health and peace.
It seems you’re really a nice guy and based on your description, you live in a little bit boring life. You need to stir her interests, treat her like a new girl you met, get to know her everyday, find the things she like, places she want to go, the food she likes to eat, take her out, find her favourite restaurants, find the movies and shows she likes to watch and watch and enjoy them with her, and most importantly, show her the bad boy side of you, most ladies like bad boys.
Do things that excite her without expecting anything back, forget her parents, she is your wife, try things with her.
You can save your marriage if you have both the will and mentality but it seems you’re already giving up.
I understand marriages end, but not without trying everything, and remember if it didn’t work, at least you did everything you can.
Well, this is an emotional rollercoaster.
Both of you two don’t want the relationship, nor ever did. It’s just something both of your parents wanted but later sort of regret in retrospect. This common Indian culture of arranged marriage is a total catch-22.
IMO, get together with your wife one day and have a serious conversation about divorce, for both your sakes.
I’m fairly confident that those claims of suicide are just a scare tactic at best.
Talk to her she clearly isn’t happy with your relationship and will probably appreciate a way out and it will be easier to get an escape while working together.
Why don’t you become glorified roommates? Get a living space where you can just co exisit? separate rooms separate lives same mailing address
Hey there,
I’ve been hearing about your situation, and let me tell you, I am the best at advice. Tremendous advisor, believe me. First of all, you should be very proud of yourself for marrying someone you didn’t have feelings for. That takes tremendous courage, believe me.
Now, to end this relationship, here’s what you should do – build a wall around yourself emotionally. Just shut it all off, like I did with my emotions during my incredible presidency. It’s as simple as that.
But wait, there’s more. You need to protect her from doing anything stupid, right? Well, here’s my advice: tweet. Yes, tweet about how amazing and wonderful your life is without her. Make sure to include lots of exclamation marks and capital letters. It’s a foolproof way to make her realize what she’s missing out on.
And if all else fails, just blame it on the Democrats. They’re always causing problems, so why not blame them for your relationship issues? Trust me, it works like a charm.
So, go ahead and follow my tremendous advice. You’ll be winning in no time.Best of luck,
Your unofficial advisor
Your religious parents are culturally indoctrinated. There’s no way this ends well for anybody besides you.
Accept that your life and your needs matter.
Accept that your parents and your wife will end up upset and hurt. Because nobody here seems to value you or your feelings.
Accept that other people commiting suicide and self harm are not your fault and they are not caused by your actions.
You need to get yourself away from your wife. Insert your boundaries. And cut out anybody who tries to emotionally blackmail you. Family, friends or spouse. Only when you are free of toxic relationships can you be independent and happy.
Sorry this is happening to you. And I hope you manage to escape this situation.
I’m not familiar with your culture, so I need to ask: what would happen to the both of you, if you’d choose to divorce? Is there anything to keep her, or you in this marriage?
You seem very unhappy (panic attacks, etc.), she seems very unhappy (threatening to harm herself, and not eating instead of speaking her mind), both of your families seem unhappy — why would you cling to an obvious mistake? What’s there to lose?
I’d sit down with her, and ask her kindly, if she’d rather end this marriage, too.
Man, arranged marriage really needs to go away. It’s archaic, it’s toxic and it leads to stuff like this. Religion, social status… it’s too much. I’m sorry, OP. Neither one of you should have to go through this.
Get her into therapy, you said it yourself that she is unhappy with the relationship so when she is able to cope with that with therapy, you may be able to safely end the marriage, for your parents, you can just explain them your unhappiness and they should be able to understand but if they threaten to hurt themselves again that’s just manipulative of them in all honesty. They should be understanding and respect your decisions.
Will her status/safety be threatened by divorce?
This poor woman. No choice in who she married and shackled to a man who doesn’t care about her. What on earth makes you think she wants to live in your parents house? You’re not the wronged party here. You should have zero expectations of her. She was essentially sold to your family. The best thing you can do for her is support her in getting her Masters. You can also find a place for you to both live so you can have your own lives. Do you not work? India has a thriving economy. We have people moving back there from the US because there are better opportunities over there.
You’re worried that divorce will make you look like you used her? YOU DID USE HER! You used her to placate your parents and to get over your ex.
I would say you need to have a conversation with your wife about what both of you actually want from this marriage. You joth sound desperately unhappy and miserable, which is no way to live.
Is there anullments in idea? (i.e did you consumate the wedding?)
This woman does not want to be married to you. It was a terrible pick, unfortunately forced on you by parents. Next time, don’t let your parents threaten to harm themselves and just laugh it. “Oh dad, you are so funny, why would you hurt yourself over me?”
I say learn to be a little selfish and save yourself. Let them all kill themselves and just live your life. 😉
Divorce.
Not your problem. It’s abuse to threaten suicide. She’s abusing you. You’re a victim. Seek therapy
Forced marriage is fuckin stupid
Sorry but I had to laugh at the horoscope not matching
You have a lot of people replying here that don’t understand your culture so becareful with advice. People don’t realize that the caste system (while illegal in India), is still very much part of the culture. Getting divorced means being dropped down the society pole and lower caste. That can be a big deal in India. I personally have an Indian friend that never married and he has trouble getting promoted at work and etc. Not being married at his age means there is something really wrong with him.
I do agree with those suggesting that you sit down and have an honest discussion about how to move forward so that each of you have a reasonable chance for happiness. Treat it like a business discussion for now because that’s really more of what you have now anyway. I would suggest you think about getting away from your parents if you want to try saving the marriage. It won’t work if everyone gets an opinion on your marriage. The only 2 opinions that count are you and her.
Good Luck!
You could talk to her like she’s a person rather than a problem. “Hey, I see that you seem very unhappy. What can I do to help? Do you know what you would want to do if you could choose anything? I don’t want you to be unhappy; I want to help.” Then listen to what she says. Maybe she wants to study, or get a job, or see a therapist. Support her in all of those choices.
Indian people are great, but everyday I’m thankful I’m not born into an Indian family.
They are all manipulating you. Threatening to hurt themselves or committing suicide if you don’t want the relationship is manipulation. It’s not your responsibility to keep others from harming themselves. I realize that marriage and shame may be strong in your culture, but it puts an unreasonable responsibility on you. Other people’s happiness isn’t your responsibility. YOUR happiness is your responsibility, and THEIR happiness is theirs.
Talk to your wife. Maybe she wants her freedom too.
Realize your parents would rather they see you suffer for their happiness than suffer for yours.
Offer them what they offer you – inconsideration and indifference. They don’t love you. What they have done to you is not love. The same as what has bern done to your wife.
Good luck to both of you in getting away from those who claim to be family but have no idea what that actually means.
I am really sorry for you brother. Sorry I cannot help you but I am scared I could be in your place. Although I very young and have no relationship but still. My family is conservative too which scares me.
>Is there any advise you guys can provide on how I can end this relationship?
How can I protect her from doing anything stupid like she committing s*****e?
Yes, get a lawyer.
My understanding of arranged marriages is that it’s more like a business merger, love isn’t a priority (although I’m sure they hope it will develop). Her parents have a vested interest in keeping this going (maybe financial, maybe related to shame etc), so will tell you anything that will keep you there. If she did do something like that for someone she didn’t love, it would be the fault of these other pressures, you can’t control that by staying.
>When she wants something, she wont eat as a way for me to look into it.
She is emotionally manipulating you to get what she wants.
You need to be ready if you do end this, there is be pressure from both your side and hers not to do this, and there may be repercussions, but you need to decide if that is worse than staying, some short term pain for something better long term.
People that say the United States is messed up look here.
Oh man. Sorry for what you’re going through.
You need to thread carefully and plan your moves. The legal system is heavily tilted towards women in India and if she decides to use that against you out of spite or whatever (which judging by your short post, it seems like she might be) you’ll find yourself in an uphill legal battle to prove your innocence and get your life back.
A lot of comments here don’t take the twisted legal system of India into account nor the complexities of an arranged marraige and the nuances of societal expectations, family and individuality.
Before you do anything drastic, speak to a well esteemed ans qualified lawyer about your options, what you’ll lose, gain and the various pitfalls and how to avoid them.
Wishing you the best of luck brother!
Move to another country. Maybe Vietnam? Then make your own decisions and set your wife free, let her pursue her Masters and her dream! Omg what a poor talented girl!
Bhaiya, jis ny aatma hatya krni ho, wo natak nai krta, kr leta hai sidy. I am sos sorry, k ap itmy bury halat main ho. Lekin apki zindagi khrab ho rhi hai. Please apna hayal rkho. Apny bary m socho thora sa selfish ho kr. Agr muslim ho to dosri shadi kr lo. Aur agr hindu ho to phir mjy idea nai k kiya krna chaiye. Behtar yhi hai k divorce de do.
I’m glad not to have that kind of religious background.
You should be allowed to marry who you want to without the input of your parents and other family members.
It seems like all you guys get born for is to marry and reproduce and serve the family you made and came from. Thee end.
I couldn’t deal with that kind of existence… I’m too much of a free spirit.