The dating world.. it always seems to be something. Went out with this amazing woman twice now.. we clicked great, chemistry, hot makeout sessions, things are heating up etc.. then she just told me she has HSV-2.. I’ve never had sex or dated someone with that.. has anyone dated someone with it? Any advice on how possible it is?.. or just move on not worth the risk?
29 comments
Ask her if she takes medication for it. She may not have had a flare up in a long time, and it may be under control to the point that she didnt feel a need to share it with you immediately.
Only you can decide if the risk is worth it for you.
Low odds of infection w/o outbreak.
Happened to me with a guy I was dating. Almost exactly the same way. Things were heating up and then he told me. We ended things shortly after he disclosed. The good thing is you’re dating a mature person who responsible and respectful enough to tell you this before you’re intimate. Sounds like a low bar, but a lot of people wouldn’t disclose. Some people would be too scared to find out. These relationships can work and sometimes never get transmitted between partners but there’s always a risk.
If you choose to continue, just make sure you do your research and come up with a way to date that would make you feel comfortable. Maybe that means waiting for sex until you know it’s serious. The guy I dated basically offered to do everything that doesn’t involve his penis. And he seemed totally happy with that.
It’s really difficult to meet people we really like these days so I’d definitely consider it. But be real with yourself about what you think you could handle.
I don’t have HSV, but I am a provider.
HSV-II is just a fucking virus with a bad rap.
It comes and goes depending on the person.
Some people will never experience an outbreak.
It’s not a death sentence.
About 70% or more of the population has HSV-I and as many with HPV. It’s because HSV-II is sexually transmitted that it has such stigma.
For those who have HSV2 and reading these comments- I got it from an ex who was the second person I’ve ever had sex with, he didn’t tell me he had it. Men to women transmissions are more likely than women to men. Even then, you just don’t have sex during a flare up. I person I dated after him, he knew I had HSV2 and we had unprotected sex at least 10-30 times a week for a solid 6 months and he’s never gotten it from me. The risk is up to you, but if she has other amazing qualities, I wouldn’t rule her out because of this
It’s so common imo it’s really no big deal. I’ve dated 2 people (I’m aware of) with it and just was careful if they had an outbreak (which was rare).
I have HSV2. Just use condoms and don’t have sex if she’s having an outbreak. Everyone is different, but the only outbreak I had was my initial one and that was seven years ago.
I did and she could tell when flare ups were happening due to stress to whatever and was very open and honest about things. If we did something (which was rare) when she had it we just used a condom. It could be different from person to person though. I also have gotten tested since then and still nothing for me
I dated someone for just shy of a year who had HSV-2. He was very open when he even FELT like he might be having an outbreak. He took his meds. We wore condoms, and we had an extremely healthy and wonderful sex life during which I did NOT contract the virus. Mostly because of his diligence and communication. We broke up like 5 years ago, and I still don’t have it lol.
That said, the reason for disclosure is so that you can make an informed decision. And if the relationship doesn’t seem worth it, you have the right to move on.
At least she’s being honest with you and up front
if she’s a great woman you want to continue with her
I would honestly talk to your doctor about it
Yup, dated a woman with it. She took Valtrex, was very aware of her breakouts and and we practiced safe sex/avoided during them on the rare occasions she had them. Was with her for 2 years and very sexually active and I didn’t contract. I don’t regret a bit, at this age if you’re sexually active it’s almost a certainty you’ve been exposed to someone with the virus. I’d rather know and deal than have sex with someone who’s a carrier and has no clue, and you have no clue either.
I think most people use emotion with this virus rather than logic.
It’s really NOT a big deal. Do research. I’ve been dating my fiance for almost 4 years. Never been a problem. Never got it. Just don’t have sex during outbreaks, live a healthy lifestyle. 1 out of 4 people have it and don’t show symptoms. In fact, many of my ex’s friends have since got it too.
There’s a very popular and famous TED Talk where a woman dispels all the myths and misconceptions, WATCH it.
Hi OP. As someone who got HSV from a long term monogamous partner who had cold sores (oral), I was terrified to date again once we broke up. My experience has only ever been positive and I’ve been fortunate in that everyone I’ve dated has decided to overlook it and give me a chance. The reality, as many people in this thread mentioned, is that a large (very large) amount of the population has it and don’t know. By her disclosing, you can make an informed choice and take appropriate steps to minimize transmission. The likelihood of having come in contact with someone else who has had it, without them knowing, and therefore not being in a position to disclose, is very high. I hope, as someone who chooses to disclose every time, that you will give her a chance if she has great qualities and you see a future together. It is a skin virus that is so much more common thank you think. I was mortified upon diagnosis and through disclosing and sharing my story, I realized how many others have it. It was a crazy revelation actually. The stigma has to go away. Wishing you the best!
Well, she’s not lacking Integrity. That’s a plus.
Not 100% sure a deal breaker. Many people have it.
No expert though
Wow the ignorance of some people on here is insane. More people than not end up having HSV1 and that’s almost more easily spread than HSV2. The time it is most dangerous is during a breakout. As long as meds/treatment is being taken and there is not a current breakout, very very rare chance anything can happen to you.
And btw – mostly women are the only ones with actual HSV2 symptoms. And that’s THOSE who test. Some people live their whole lives with it and have no idea they even have it.
Before you decide, how about you get tested for it? You might have it and not know. I know someone that disclosed they had it before sex(at all) and the girl broke up with him. A week later at her yearly ob appt the ob told her she had it. She had an outbreak (minor) and thought it was yeast infection. Then she calls the guy begging for him back because she had it too. Guy told her no way.
This disease is nothing. On Valtrex outbreaks and transmission is rare. I don’t have it but my friends that do don’t suffer for it except in the dating area. People are so judgemental!
If she’s on antivirals and isn’t having an active breakout then it won’t get transmitted
Herpes isn’t even tested for so is it really that big of a deal?
It seems like such a stigma. Even if you ask for a test a lot of places won’t give it to you cause it’s hard to get accurate results unless you’re showing symptoms which a large majority won’t .
So I got herpes first time I ever got laid, fucking sucks and she didn’t know she had it. I will say the stigma is the worst part, the disease itself just means my dick gets a bit itchy and I get like three sores every couple months. It’s really not all that bad.
Just know that if you date her it’s pretty likely you will catch it, though if she’s careful and pays attention to her symptoms it should reduce your risk massively. On top of that most people that catch it never have symptoms around 80% it’s a hard choice and personally if I could choose again I would only date someone with herpes if I felt there was a serious potential for a lifetime partner.
That’s what she said,
HSV-2 is super common, very contagious, and easily treatable. HSV-2 is commonly treated with a prescription of Valacyclovir and taken as needed. Condoms help prevent transmission and are a great barrier against transmission.
My wife has HSV-1 (facial fever blisters). When we were dating, I couldn’t keep my hands or lips off her, even when she had an outbreak. Guess who has HSV-1 now? This guy. 🙋🏽♂️
So be careful, Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. 👍🏽
To be fair, I don’t know where you are from as you didn’t state…
But depending on the country you’re in, you might be sharing that virus with a good amount of the population.
In America:
48% has HSV1
12% has HSV2
Also:
While this is still rolling the dice, it is not always transmissible. If they aren’t having a flare up, it’s extremely unlikely. Is it still possible? Oh totally.
I think there does now exist a pre-exposure prophylactic for herpes if you are so inclined.
That being said, herpes is known to be something that humans live with their entire life and have no problems. Both types.
Unrelated question, but if she has herpes on her lips, can it transmit by using the same cup or is it exclusive to kissing?
I have dated someone with it for a couple years. Never contracted it myself. Here’s the deal: Herpes stigma is far worse than the virus itself. That said, the stigma *is* real so you need to be ready to deal with it. If you’re dating for love and marriage, then I’d say it’s probably worth it to continue dating her. The odds of you contracting it are very low, especially if you use protection and she takes medicine to suppress the virus. You’re also fortunate in the sense that she actually told you she has herpes. Many people with it either don’t know they have it or they don’t bring it up. Most std tests performed by doctors won’t even check for herpes. All this means that if you’ve ever hooked up with someone without talking about herpes, then you could very well have already been exposed to the virus. At least with this girl, you know exactly what you’re getting into.
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Ultimately the best thing for combating the stigma, as well as deciding on a course of action, is knowledge. If this girl is as amazing as you say, then before you make a decision either way you owe it to yourself to learn all you can about HSV. If you do decide to continue dating, remember that *you* made the choice and so *you* need to own your own anxiety around the condition. If your lip starts to itch one day, don’t panic text her pictures of your lip asking “Is it herpes?”
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Last thing I’ll say is that people are so much more than any one thing. Think about the very best person you know… now imagine that they have herpes. How much would you weight the negative of herpes against all the positive things about them? For me, it doesn’t weigh for much at all so I’m willing to date someone with HSV if there’s potential for long term happiness. Others can make a different choice and thats fine too. Just get informed. Anyway best of luck!
I have it. About 20% of women have it. I *always* tell a man before I move off the apps or before we go on a first date if we met irl.
Over 25 million Americans
14-49 years old (16.2%)
80% of the 16.2% with genital herpes don’t know they have it. Which means that you could be dating someone who doesn’t know they have it and gives it to you without disclosing.
Chances of transmitting to male:
– 4% (NO protection)
– 2% (condoms OR meds)
– 1% (condoms AND meds)
The odds of you getting it aren’t that high. Some people have sex for 20 years and never give it to your partner.
Most people don’t even show symptoms so you might get it and get no outbreaks.
All these comments are great at reassurance but your not being ignorant or disrespectful if you still do not want to date her. This virus is for life and there is risk you will get it.
I don’t want to influence your decision, but I dated a woman with hsv2 for over a year, we had unprotected sex, and I never contracted it. She was diligent about taking her medicine and we would refrain from intercourse if she had an outbreak.
As a woman who also has HSV-2, this isn’t a one size fits all answer. Some people are absolutely disgusted by it, while others don’t mind at all. I’ve had way more positive disclosures than negative, especially after I came to terms with it and it was easy to talk about with potential sexual partners. I wholeheartedly believe it was because I had other redeeming positive qualities it made people overlook my status.
Does it suck sometimes because people treat you like a walking bacteria? Absolutely. But you also aren’t a bad person for not wanting to take the risk. There are risks I won’t take myself either.
Hey at least she was upfront n honest with u in the beginning. If don’t want a relationship then have a friendship. U rather have a friend whose at least honest than an enemy who’ll lie to yur face n stab u in the bk.