My partner (32F) of 4yrs has trouble maintaining friendships and it is impacting our (32M) relationship

We’ve been dating for nearly 4 years now and really hit things off during the pandemic. Because of this, and the fact that she had just moved to our city, I never really saw her around her friends and we didn’t interact with mine until we had been dating for quite some time.

*My poor explanation of happenings:*

When I watch my partner interact with people she sometimes has off putting behavior (calling peers “mam” or “sir” when they are effectively peers, stating that it is too hot to be working outside to people who’s job it is to literally be outside working while they are working, attempting to remain private about details of her life but doing so with little or no tact. These are small but noticeable things) but also at inadvertently insults people. Maybe I’d describe these offenses as microagressions and typically aren’t particularly memorable.

Sometimes you just have to let people be who they are. She isn’t intentionally insulting and it doesn’t happen all the time. She doesn’t do this with me when we are 1 on 1 or when she does I say something in more of a fun retort rather than corrective. Due to this behavior, my friends and their partners have started distancing themselves from her and consequently me. My partner isn’t receptive to feedback on how to handle situations because she feels wronged by them. In some cases this is true but as I mentioned above this is a two pronged situation. I’m my own person and my idea of solving these problems don’t work for everyone, I understand this complexity. *I believe the crux of the problem is that she doesn’t recognize that her difficulty in keeping her own friends is due to these behaviors*. I don’t really know where to begin with this.

I think for me, when I see her struggling to interact with others in difficult situations (after an off putting statement or a bad interaction the last time they saw each other), I want to tell her to rise to the occasion, be the better person, say hello and politely walk away. She says she does this, but when I observe her she really isn’t. There is a mismatch on reality versus perception on what her actions are. She doesn’t understand that she wears a look on her face that isn’t welcoming but being forced to interact. She can’t fake it.

Personally I can thrive in these scenarios and would love to give her practical advice on this. My problem is that I feel like I cannot effectively communicate these things because I am her partner. In my opinion, she really needs a councilor and/or some 3rd party to review her actions with these scenarios. To suggest such a thing would be painful for anyone to hear. We have started doing couple’s therapy which has been greatly beneficial for setting ourselves up for having productive conversations. But with this particular scenario, it feels like the whole thing runs so deep (friendships/relationships in general).

At times her foot-in-mouth statements remind me of ADHD behavior where you overshare or say something embarrassing because of a need to fill a void. I don’t know how to broach the subject or coach her on this. When I first started to notice this behavior in the relationship I thought that I cannot control others and I have to accept that she may say things that make me uncomfortable or I wouldn’t say. But it is becoming too much. She doesn’t outright reject any of this, but as you can imagine feedback on these things is sensitive.

I’ve brought this up during our therapy sessions and I presented it a bit differently than I have discussed here. I effectively said that she needs to find a way to be around our friends and not have a negative reaction every time we meet. Many times she complains about the experience because she didn’t get along with people. It is the same story, every time and is putting a negative cloud on my relationship with my friends. The councilor had us talk through our feelings a great deal, but we didn’t finish it in the session.I don’t know what to do to fix this but want to be constructive. I love this woman. I want to improve this situation for myself and for her for life. I feel like she can make these changes and I owe her more effort to at least give her actionable feedback that is digestable and she can act on it on her own. But I think the saying goes is that you cannot expect to change people, I am not sure if this falls into that category.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any advice you’ve got on this!

**TLDR:** Partner (32F) has a tendency to put foot-in-mouth but doesn’t recognize this behavior. It is impacting our friendships with others. How do I advise her or help her recognize this and be able to constructively maintain relationships?