My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 4 years. The past several months we have not been intimate. We still cuddle and kiss but nothing beyond that. I still feel desire but whenever he initiates I immediately don’t want to. And I think I know why; there’d been several times in the past when I would say no, and he would be mopey or ask me again in an hour. I can also think of times where he’d ask me 5 times in one day, and I’d get increasingly frustrated. Sometimes I felt guilty and did it anyway, which is where I fucked up. I shouldn’t have done anything intimate when I didn’t feel like it, despite the pressure of him being mopey. I’ve felt resentment because I can tell he knows I don’t really want to, since he’ll ask if I’m okay during whatever we’re doing several times, and he doesnt ask me that any other time. He won’t stop on his own. I know it’s my responsibility to say no, but I cant help feeling anger knowing he knew at least on some level I wasn’t in the mood but continued anyway. I felt gross and used afterwards. There have been times when I initiated and it was fine, but that’s very rare in comparison.
I finally brought this up with him today. I told him I felt a bit of resentment because I felt pressured to be intimate with him because he’d be visibly upset/keep asking me if I said no. He got upset, and said it’s not fair for me to expect him to never be disappointed. I said he’s allowed to be disappointed, but it puts pressure on me when he acts like that. He said I was making him feel horrible for saying it’s his fault. He said if your parents brought you to the park as a kid and then immediately made you leave you’d be upset too. I tried continuously to tell him I wasn’t blaming him, I shouldnt have said yes, I just wanted to explain how I felt so that we can move on. I backtracked because he was upset (which I realize I shouldn’t have done) and said it was my fault for not saying no. He seemed to be less upset after that.
I feel like shit because that conversation did not go the way I wanted it to. All I want from him is to 1. not ask me repeatedly and 2. not get mopey and leave the room if I say no. He’s allowed to be disappointed! I just don’t want to be pressured anymore. I tried to explain this to him awhile ago too. And I’m a little disappointed in his reaction. I understand how this would make him feel hurt. I really didn’t mean for it to. I just wanted to explain why the idea of being intimate isn’t exciting for me anymore. All I remember in recent memory is being kind of uncomfortable and wanting it to be over. I want it to be the way it was when we first got together. He’s very attentive and it has nothing to do with what he does in the act, so that’s not the issue.
Anyways, I don’t really know what to do anymore. Everytime I try to explain how I’m feeling he gets really hurt (which I understand). How do I explain it to him?
We wouldn’t be together if we didn’t enjoy each other’s company, but I can tell this is really wearing on him. I dont want to hurt either one of us anymore. I’m frankly embarrassed that it’s gone on for so long. I know it would’ve been easier to deal with had we talked about it when it first surfaced.
tl;dr: I feel resentment for my boyfriend because he’d indirectly pressure me into being intimate by asking me multiple times or being mopey after me saying no. I brought this up to him and he got extremely hurt, so I back tracked and said it was my fault for saying yes. The conversation didn’t go as well as I wanted it to, and I’m embarrassed for letting this issue drag on for so long. I don’t know how to explain my feelings to him without him getting hurt. How would you go about working through this issue?
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This is one of those “Is he the only man in town?” moments.