I live with my partner and we have been together for 3 years. I got told at work that I would be getting a payrise in September. The raise is £280-£300 a month after tax roughly. It’s my first fairly large payrise so I was excited. I told my partner that I was getting it and when and told her that I planned to put most of it into savings anyway but leave myself with a bit more disposable income.
Well I ended up getting it in June instead. It was a shock to me when I got paid at the end of June but my employer confirmed they had decided to give the pay rises early. I decided for a month or two I would treat myself since I had worked hard for the payrise so I decided to not tell anyone for a while.I bought myself some new clothes, some new books, a video game. I took my partner out for a nice meal and got her some presents. It was just nice being able to afford a bit more than usual.
After payday at the end of July, my partner and I had to send bank statements in to be approved to rent a new apartment since our previous landlord decided to put the rent up. My gf saw my bank statement and saw that I had been paid more than usual and asked me about it.
I told her that I got the payrise early and that I just wanted a month or two to enjoy the month and enjoy being about to buy myself things I want and to treat her. She said I was out of order for keeping things from ehr and that I should have told her when I got it. I mentioned that we have seperate bank accounts so my pay doesn’t affect her anyway and that I just wanted to be able to enjoy my extra money before it pretty much goes into savings.
She just said I was out of order for hiding things from her and that she feels that I have betrayed her. How would you handle this?
tl;dr I was due to get a payrise in October which my gf knew about. I got it early and decided to keep it to myself for a couple of months so I could treat myself. I boguht myself new clothes, books etc and took my partner out for nice meals and got her little gifts. She saw my bank statement and found out when I got the payrise and said I was out of order keeping it from her and that it’s like I’ve betrayed her. How would you handle this?
29 comments
Handle? Someone who feels so strongly about your own money? Strongly reconsider dating her.
“my money, my business” shes the one out of line
> I mentioned that we have seperate bank accounts so my pay doesn’t affect her anyway and that I just wanted to be able to enjoy my extra money before it pretty much goes into savings.
Yes, it is your money….but tbh, I’m not sure I can follow your train of thoughts here. What exactly would have changed exactly if you had told her that you got your salary raise earlier than September? How would that have stopped from enjoying the money?
First off she’s a girlfriend, not a wife so pump ya breaks sis🤦🏾♀️. Your income is not her business so she is out of
order for poking her nose where it doesn’t belong. Plus you already told her about your raise, so she should simply be happy for you and leave it at that. And the fact that you bought her gifts but she’s trying to chaistise you about your own finances is a red flag and sounds controlling.
Go on the offensive.
“We aren’t married, and we don’t have joint finances. I will continue to be an independent adult. I’m not a child for you to speak to like this. “
You deliberately kept information from her. If this is a serious relationship, especially a relationship where you’re living together, this is wrong.
Well it’s weird for you to do that, particularly if you live together. But I’m sure you have you reasons.
This seems like an over reaction; so it sort of feels like there’s context missing in this situation that explains it. She seems overly sensitive to what you did. In her situation i would just be annoyed and perhaps a little less trusting.
As a woman who has lived with her partner for over a year, I don’t think you did anything wrong.
I have a rough idea of what my partner earns but only through casual conversation. It’s really none of my business. We have separate finances and quite frankly, we’re both fully grown adults and can spend our money on what we want, as long as we have covered our part of the rent/bills.
I think some of the other commenters are missing his GF’s point here.
It’s not about the money. It’s about withholding information from your partner.
I went through something similar to this last year with my girlfriend. I had been really vocal with her about stressing over the internship application process (We are both in the same year in college) and she was always supportive. When we talked about her application process she basically made it sound like she hadn’t even applied anywhere yet. Like was making comments about maybe going back to her non-internship job for the summer.
Anyway, at some point the topic comes up again and I make a comment like “I guess you aren’t looking super hard” which I swear was not a dig at her, but more of just an observation and then she tells me that she had actually applied a bunch of places, done some interviews, and accepted an offer for next summer.
Of course I was thrilled for her to have landed a great internship opportunity, but I was extremely weirded out about her keeping me in the dark about it. I think members of a relationship have a right to keep *some* things private from their partner, but I just couldn’t really understand why she didn’t want me to know.
When I asked her about it her response was that she didn’t like disappointing people so she didn’t want to tell me about the interviews in case she didn’t actually end up getting the job. Which sure she’s perfectly entitled to feel that way, but getting rejected is literally part of the applying to jobs process and I would have liked to have been able to be there for her when she was facing any rejections.
Regardless, what it came down to was that I care about her a lot and have a genuine interest in what’s going in her life. She doesn’t need to tell me every little thing that goes on, but if she’s making big life decisions, like accepting a job offer, I feel like she should *want* to discuss it with me and hear my thoughts.
And the shitty part is when you do find out that someone has been concealing something from you, even something innocent, it makes you start to question what else the might be hiding. Potentially nothing, but shaking that thought can be hard.
Anyway anyway, my gf and I don’t really fight so this didn’t escalate any further and I kind of chalked up her behavior to not wanting to embarrass me (Her internship hourly pay was double mine and at a much bigger company).
I would just make it clear to your gf that you weren’t trying to hide anything from her. I wouldn’t anticipate this causing any long term problems unless she’s absurdly insecure and convinced that you’re hiding more stuff from her.
Good luck OP
Ask yourself what you would do if you were in her situation.. would it hurt you if she kept things for you that significantly impacted your personal life?
I’m sure she’s not mad about it because it’s money, she’s probably hurt from the fact that you don’t think she’s important enough that you share your happiness & wins with her.
Also, you sound sneaky for keeping it from her just because you “wanted to enjoy the raise” without telling anyone. I’m on her side.
This same thing happened with my partner.
He got a promotion and pay raise and didn’t tell me for 3 months.
I was upset. This point we had been together for just over 3 years, living together, but separate finances. I wasn’t upset about the money part, what I was upset about was that information was withheld when, at least in my perspective we are trying to build a life together…my kids and I have been living with him for about a year and a half now. It had nothing to do with the money part, because neither of us dictate or tell the other how to spend our money, it was just that he didn’t feel like he could or should share something so big with his partner.
We have worked through it and realized we had some huge gaps in our communication that we have done a lot of work on to correct.
Long story short, I could see how she felt betrayed. Like, is this a serious relationship or not – because that’s a big thing to not share with your partner. And if you were concerned about her dictating how your finances were spent, ya’ll have other problems to work through.
uhm it’s ur money but maybe she thinks you’d withhold other major things from her? and that’s why she’s freaking out. i get ur reasoning for wanting to not tell her ,but what’s done is done. just maybe try sitting down and talking to her about why she’s really so stressed because im certain it’s for the reason i put above. good luck remember communicating is key just try digging deeper than the surface.
I can see why your gf is upset. You purposely hid something from her that doesn’t seem necessary to hide. She could think that you dont trust her because why hide it? That can definitely be hurtful.
Think you know your partner better than most people here.
It may likely not be or seem like a huge deal for either of you in the first place, but the idea that someone you keep close is actively keeping stuff secret from you would likely feel bad.
As a lot of other people say here, stuff like this might be a bit more important if you live together and having ends meet being something that feels rough for either of you.
Doubt any of the stuff you guys are dealing with couldn’t be solved with communication.
how does this “I just wanted a month or two to enjoy the month and enjoy being about to buy myself things I want” is not compatible with telling her?
You gotta stop looking for the internet to solve your relationship problems.
She’s a girlfriend, not a wife. She has no legal rights to any of your money and isn’t owed anything related to your money.
She’s not wrong….
Idk bro once you start to live with your partner you become more intertwined. In it that you need to be more vocal about things like this. Don’t get me wrong bro you have the right to enjoy yourself but you shouldn’t hide that from your partner. You should’ve just been like I got it earlier and I wanted to splurge a bit and go from there. At the end of day you shouldn’t be withholding information from your partner that’s this big.
Were you worried she would try to take over how you spent your money? Of course you can spend it how you like; it’s yours. Why hide it unless you thought she would take it? It sounds like your finances are very cleanly split, so why would you keep your good news a secret? Either she’s controlling and judgmental about how you spend your money – and that’s a problem, or you don’t trust and / or weirdly enjoy keeping big secrets from your girlfriend – and that’s a problem. If she isn’t controlling over money, this is confusing and insulting. Obviously you didn’t want her to know you had this money. Treating yourself to nice things is not weird. Hiding money for no reason is. EDIT: OP said gf would have been controlling. Maintain your financial independence, OP. Don’t hide things, just face it head on. If she can’t respect that, seriously reconsider your relationship.
You kept this information from her because u know how she would respond (she’d tell u to save it and that makes u feel like u have no control over your own money aka perhaps u feel like u are being bemothered). This is the real issue.
U need to have a conversation about how her responses in the past regarding money make you feel. And explain to her that that was the reason you didnt tell it yet. So that next time, you can just be open about financial things with her. Which is also what u actually want, I presume. Wouldnt it be great if you could have just told her: “hey honey, guess what? I got my payrise early and im going to spoil myself right now!” And she’d be like “hell yeah baby, go get ur stuff!” (Cuz she is confident about the ways you deal with money)
Possibly you not sharing that with her could’ve made her feel like she has a relatively small role in your life. Finances are a pretty intimate thing to discuss.
Not telling your partner: stupid.
To be honest I think this is ridiculous. She should not get mad at your earnings lol. For gods sake is it a crime to spend your hard earned money on yourself and spoil her??? What’s her deal lmao.
people are fucking insane here
it’s you money, you say what you want, i just know the ones bitching are women
Dude, it was just two months, come on how uptight.
She already knew you’ll get ir, plus she got spoiled too.
I think She’s beeing quite uptight.
My wife knows everything about My income and still seems like she forgets how much i make…
Unless you guys needed that money for something important that isn’t savings, this sounds like such a non-issue. She already knew that the money was coming in September. Also, where tf did she think that money was coming from seeing as he not only spent on himself, but on her as well and on more dates and shit?
I think it was perfectly in your right to do that. It’s your money, it’s your raise, it’s your separate bank account. You wanted to treat yourself, and you even treated her! I would think she would be excited for you but instead it feels very possessive and petty of her.
Sounds like she has trust issues. And possibly control issues.