I guess this is semi-rant, semi-perspective-seeking. A little background first. I (36F) am currently a SAHM to 4.5 year old twins. This is due in large part to the loss of my job from Covid—it was a really one of a kind job I could make work as a mom, that paid pretty decently with benefits, and allowed for a flexible, partially remote schedule. I was with the company for about 6 years. It’s how my husband (44M) and I met. We have been together for about 6.5 years, married for just over 4.
He has never wanted to pay for more than part-time childcare (about 18 hours a week), so when I lost my job initially, we tried to make various working scenarios work still using the bare minimum childcare. I took a couple of different jobs—one VERY full time that was admittedly not ideal, and ended up putting too much additional stress on him with the extra caregiver duties. The second that didn’t really pay enough to justify paying for childcare. At that point, we decided pretty much mutually that it wasn’t worth it for me to continue, and I went on unemployment temporarily and sometimes helped out with “our” small business to earn a little extra money.
But, unfortunately, because we always had our bank accounts and all of our finances separate while I was earning a salary pre-Covid (he had admittedly always been a bit weird about money, and disclosing how much he makes, although I always knew a ballpark and that it was 4-5x as much as I earned), we never transitioned over into any kind of joint account or me having access to any income. Initially, he was quite bitter that I could no longer help with the mortgage and 50% of the other bills, so I was extremely hesitant to ask for an allowance of any kind, or anything like it. But after being frustrated with repeatedly over drafting my bank account because I can’t work enough to earn much, and watching him continue to buy himself expensive shoes, clothing, and sunglasses, plus a country club membership (he has an appreciation for the finer things I guess, which I could not care less about), I finally asked if we could come up with some kind of solution so that I can buy groceries, put gas in my car, pay my phone bill and buy things for the girls as needed without having to worry. He finally (about a month ago) gave me a credit card in my name that (I guess?) he pays off on a regular basis. He makes decent money, probably 200k+ a year, plus whatever small extras he brings in from the business.
But the more I read posts on this thread and others the more I become concerned that this is not a “normal” situation. The house is in his name, as is his car (it’s brand new, mine is a 13 year old POS). No joint accounts, no idea what would happen if, god forbid, something happened to him and I was left to my own devices. I used up most of my personal savings over the last couple of years. I’m just completely in the dark about everything financially and I don’t have a clue as to where I should begin to broach the subject, what I have a right to have access to or know about, and how to discuss this with him without it seeming weird or like I’m asking for too much. The twins will be starting school this year so I fully intend to work more to have my own personal income once that happens, but even apart from the practical concerns, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also think our situation is a bit unbalanced. So any advice or perspective would be much appreciated!
TLDR; I am a SAHM in the dark about my husbands finances, with no real access to “our” money save for a credit card he recently gave me, and our situation seems weird and like I should know more/ask for more but I have no idea where to begin.
14 comments
I would divorce him and take half his money.
Nothing short of complete transparency is acceptable.
No, this is not a normal arrangement, and it’s wildly unfair to you. If you’re not working by mutual agreement, “his” money becomes family money, and you both should have equal access and decision-making power.
So what this means is that you need a full-time job yesterday, and if he doesn’t want to pay for childcare that’s really too bad. Present him with his portion (remember it should be based on your relative salaries, not split in half) and remind him that since you’re married, any debt you accrue by not paying will legally be his as well.
There’s a decent chance that standing your ground about this will end your marriage, but I’m not really seeing what benefit you’re getting from it anyway, so regular child support plus not having to walk on eggshells might actually be an improvement.
Ask him again. You just said one thing to him and he already got you a credit card. That’s gas, kids care and whatever else. And you’ll be working soon you said.
It’s not unbalance it’s bordering on financial abuse. You’re not working which you both agreed to so his money is family money and you should have access to it. What do you mean you drained your savings? That makes no sense at all. You have a credit card, check the balance and account and see if it’s being paid. Are you in a community property state? If so get a lawyer and get out now! If not, get a lawyer and get out and then get a job. If you insist on staying in this scary dynamic, sit him down and be clear you need to have an open and honest conversation about finances as you won’t be in this position any longer.
This is horribly unfair to you. What does he think will happen to you and the kids if he dies suddenly? You guys will be destitute with no access to any of the money. Does he really think it’s OK for him to be living the high life and buying himself nice days while you struggle to make it financially? With no job because you mutually agreed? Why does he get to pursue a career and make money and not have to worry about childcare but you have to?
You need to stop walking on eggshells and talk to him about how finances are supposed to work when one is a stay at home parent. I would definitely be considering divorce if I was driving a shit car with the kids while he was in a new one
I’m sorry, but you need a job. Him not wanting full-time childcare for the kids means nothing. He either shares finances with you or he pays a professional. You can’t afford to live like this and he’s refusing to give you money. Giving you a credit card in your own name isn’t giving you money. So go get your own money and let him know what his portion of the daycare expenses will be.
Your husband has you trapped. You are not a partner at all. He gets to call all of the shots and you don’t have much, if any, say. A partner would access to the accounts, would know where the money is, how much, etc. You are clearly the victim of abuse. And you are modeling this behavior for your twins.
Your husband knows what he is doing. See a lawyer now. If your SO gets wind that you aren’t happy, he may cancel your credit card, leaving you no option but that of a prisoner.
So you carried and gave birth to twins that he impregnated you with, you take care of them full time because he doesn’t want to fork over the money to spend on daycare. You presumably cook and clean and probably do most of the child rearing even when he’s home….he makes over 200K a year and he can’t pay for your damn phone bill and basic expenses? You’re not a life partner or an equal, you’re the slave labor honey. The help. I’m assuming you have sex with him, so I’ll add very underpaid sex worker to that too. I know he’s your husband, but he’s not treating you as an equal so I say sex worker since the relationship seems to be only about what you can do for him.
You should dump his ass and sue for child support and alimony.
My friend was in basically the exact same situation… her guy randomly left one night and it’s been attorneys ever since.
NOT saying your guy will do this. I AM saying it is definitely very sketchy, and my friend’s attorneys said it’s actually considered “financial abuse” to be this way in a marriage. I’d have a lot of questions and concerns if I were you.
I am a stay at home mom who has full access to his account and the card is in my possession. He pays for everything. BUT my car is in my name and we did the paperwork that if something happened to him I have power of attorney financially etc. plus there is specific paperwork on accessing bank accounts etc. Come at him with this- if he acts like you shouldn’t have these plans in place I’d be questioning a lot more
He’s not your husband he’s your roommate , marriage should combine everything and everything should be shared , my income is also my wife’s income
I’m sorry, did you say that he earns 200K+ and you are routinely going into your overdraft? WTF OP, that is horrible. I think he needs a massive reality check or he is going to soon be divorced and much poorer.