It’s been a while since I’ve got a 4th date. I would like to hear what your 4th date was like, and any advice you might have for my situation besides “just have fun” š because that’s the plan, but I just like to be prepared.
We met online and have gone on three dates so far. We had a great time on the 3rd date, but for me, this is the first time since the last guy I seriously dated that it didnāt progress intimately at this point. We are both in our 30s, FYI. I really appreciate him not making moves in a rush because it feels like he respects me. Walking hand in hand was the sweetest thing happened to me since I became single again. But at the same time, I wonder if heās taking his time because heās not sure or seeing others. Itās understandable as weāve met only 3 times. But what or how should I talk about to see our further compatibility (not physical) on the upcoming 4th date?
I just realized that we had all that 3 dates in only a week (Saturday to Saturday) despite we are both pretty busy with our jobs. Two long walks at a park and one dinner. No flirting on the first date, a peck on my forehead on the second date (heās a lot taller than I am), and handholding and an adult kiss lol with no tongue on the third date. Gosh, donāt we sound cute. There is nothing wrong with this, but I was not sure the whole time if he likes me until the kiss because the vibes were friendly rather than romantic. Maybe because we met in the mornings at a park? He’s not shy or introverted if it matters.
Also, even though he’s talkative in person, even witty, he barely texts. In between the dates, he doesn’t text me first. The pattern is like this, I text him first, then he replies only with an answer to my question. It just can’t be a flowing convo. He did ask “wanna meet on Friday(or like tmrw)?” when I initiated the texting. I say “Sure” and then nothing, then in the evening of that Friday “does 8 pm work for you?” Then we decide where to go. (which is not my thing :-/) At least those dates went well, with a lot of laughter. But there is no flow or connection in between these dates. I wonder if heās like an old man (heās mid 30ā¦) who doesnāt use a cellphone much. For example heās using a very old iPhone, I think I used the same one like in 2015ā¦ I was surprised that it still works. He does work a lot and it comes with some pressure, but you know, you can find time to text or make a quick call for someone you like. Itās not like I text him cuz I have too much free time š Other guys Iāve been on a date together only once check in with me more than he doesā¦
Heās very sweet in person, we talk a lot, and laugh a lot together. Last date I felt safe and happy from the way he treated me and how we talked about things like our families and vacations. Heās growing on me. And I think itās natural to feel uncertain at the point (4th dates only, knowing for two weeks only) but how, what can I do to feel better about this?
20 comments
When I met my one of my exes (who was probably my best relationship at this point), we didnāt kiss or touch at all until date 4 so I wouldnāt take the lack of intimacy as a bad sign – morning/afternoon dates donāt lend themselves to āmaking a moveā.
As for texting, he does sound like a guy whoās not on his phone much?
It sounds like things are going well! He may just be someone who isnāt a big texter, some people just arenāt, and itās nothing personal.
Have you discussed what youāre looking for yet? As in something casual, youād like to meet someone you want to pursue a relationship with, etc? I think this could be the time for that. I would just be very calm about discussing it- when people feel anxious, they project that, and it can make an otherwise simple conversation feel stressful. Itās really just gathering information.
Good luck!
Odds are he is dating other people and feeling out the situation. Many people do this. No biggie. Update us after the 4th date. What are you two doing on the 4th dateā¦?
I guess I’m like an old man. I just don’t really like carrying on a conversation via text, and I would much rather get to know someone in person. It sounds like you enjoy his company, if the texting frequency bothers you, you can always ask him about it.
Same goes for physical intimacy. It’s hard to say what his motivation is without talking with him about it.
I can say that consent got a lot more complicated when I was off the dating market, and having to figure out how to date in a way that is respectful and kind is tricky. When in doubt, I always err on the side of less intimate because that seems like the better way to be wrong.
He actually sounds pretty great and like things are going well. Getting physical early on or after only a few dates isnāt always an indication of someone having feelings or caring about you. Iām fact, sometimes itās the opposite. What youāre describing is actually what Iām looking for – someone really sweet that I click with in person but takes things slow. I say, just enjoy it and if youāre unsure about something, just use your words and ask. Thatās what Iād hope someone did with me.
Call me crazy, and maybe I friend zone the fuck out of myself…but as a guy if I’m interested enough to go out on three dates with you, I’m interested enough to sleep with you.
That being said, even if it was one date a week am I the only dude that feels like knowing someone for only three weeks is still just not a very long time and that maybe if your aim is a relationship, that sex that soon might not be the best thing? I mean especially if you saw them only once a week. You’ve seen this person three times and thats enough to potentially have a child with them? Like we realize that is the potential consequence of this action?
Like I said, maybe it’s just me. I’m not saying you gotta wait to get married but ESPECIALLY with how shit is now and days with people ghosting each other, a million other options at your finger tips if they say just one thing you don’t like, etc… I feel like sex could be tabled for a bit while you actually build a relationship with person. And that can take a little while.
Dude sounds real shy when it comes to being physicalā¦. Probably fears rejectionā¦.I doubt heās dating other women if heās barely giving forehead kisses and not making outā¦.
Iām different and Iām usually trying to kiss and make out by the first date.
Sounds like itās still a little early. He probably isnāt a big texter either way, maybe a little shy. I would give it more time and then tell him in person and communicate !!
Okay, when I was reading your post, I was wondering if you were dating my guy. Lol.
Our guys are very similar. Bf to this day still doesnāt like to text but when we are together, we have great chemistry and have so much fun.
How do you feel better about everything? You keep yourself busy and stop second guessing how youāre feeling and allow things to unfold. Having 3 dates within a span of a week is a good indication that he likes you and your connection is strong. Once you become exclusive, talk to him in an open way about what you need so he can try to meet them. This is promising! Good luck!
36F – current sitch – Third date kiss here. Fourth date just a hug quick workday lunch. Fifth date full on make out š. Really digging the slow burn and enjoying taking my time with this guy.
We do text quite a bit (both have kids and crazy schedules) since itās around one date a week usually. Usually a phone call one night a week after kids go to bed.
First of all, Itās one week youāve been seeing the guy! Thatās not enough time to process emotions, feelings, or thoughts. Three or four dates over a month is a completely different experience with completely different recommendations. Youāve been seeing this guy one week.
Second, some of us just donāt feel like text is the way to go for communicating. When I met my current partner online, she would text me all the time first, and I rarely responded. It took me quite a while to make her understand, I just didnāt feel like holding conversations in sentences, using my phone.
I think you need to slow down and let this relationship and yourself breathe a little bit. Just remember itās been only one week.
You’ve only known him a short while. Slow your roll a little! š
If there’s anything I’ve learned fromt his sub, it’s that not everyone enjoys texting and oftentimes only use it for logistics or sending quick things.
Also, some people don’t like texting too much early on because you don’t really know each other, and it can also create a false sense of connection and intimacy.
As long as your dates are going well and you’re seeing each other regularly, I would focus more on how things are in person. It might be a good idea to ask what his texting preferences are though so you don’t get needlessly anxious.
I think it’s better to move slower with physical intimacy than too fast. Feel free to initiate some on your own if you haven’t been – close the distance between you two when you’re walking, initiate the kisses, hold the hugs for longer, etc.
I feel like texting frequency is a very personal thing, but it just varies depending on the person I am communicating with. My best friend of 35yrs we rarely text, but when we chat on the phone its easily a 2hr conversation. My other best friend the last 7yrs, we text almost daily, yet may have spoken on the phone briefly twice in those 7 years. So just my perspective.
In a somewhat similar situation, the woman I have had 4 dates with we have been texting more and more frequently, and its not just arranging plans. Even random stuff. For context we didn’t even kiss until date #4, but have several dates planned ahead, so its one of those things that just varies from person to person.
Stop over analyzing and just go with it. And from a guys perspective, its was really sweet at the end of my 4th date that this woman asked if i was seeing anyone else. It led to some more in depth conversations that I didn’t expect to have that early on, but it kinda allowed to me let my guard down, which is a good thing and just be me. I think this dude’s a bit shy! Which is not a bad thing, just might need a little prodding.
Next time he texts you, I would call him. See if you guys vibe on the phone. Might be easier than texting.
Your texting scenario reminds me of a story I read in, *A Year of Living Biblically.* In the story, there are two men, one who stops his whole day to praise the Lord for about an hour. He makes a big show of it and cannot be interrupted. The other runs into his prayer space, quickly prays, and then goes about his workday. Then the question is posed, who is more faithful? The answer: The man who prays quickly because when he prays he prays for God, while the other man prays for his own mental well-being.
I don’t think that is the exact story, but that is the gist. I’d recco *A Year of Living Biblically.*
I am a dude. I generally won’t have actual sex until I have bonded with someone and we are in a relationship. I am just wired that way.
But, if the person I am dating wanted to expedite things, I would be open to it. However, they would have to communicate that to me or I am going to take the gentleman’s route.
I wouldnāt worry too much about the physical stuffā¦ men are different with what theyāre comfortable with and are scared of doing something you wonāt like. My last bf (of 5 yrs) didnāt try to make a move until the 3rd date.. he said he wanted to make sure I was comfortable and didnāt want to mess things up.
The text situation sounds a lot like the guy Iām dating now. I brought it up to him after a few weeks and heās been more communicative outside of just planning dates now. Itās still pretty earlyā¦ if your guy likes you, Iām sure heād be willing to put more effort in if thatās what you need.
fuck youuuuuuu
Not sure if you’ll read this, but recent last relationship, on the 3rd date it was pouring down with rain, and she kindly lent me her umbrella to get home, she was taking a uber. I accidentally called her babe, like thanks babe and walked away. Later, I found out that she found that cute. Anyways, so for the 4th date, the idea was for me to return the umbrella, and I went to her place. We ended up drinking wine having a cheese board on her rooftop. It was amazing. My point is, if you feel good about it, ride the wave. I’m surprised about the phone and the texting. I’ve just found that if your excited about someone then you want to communicate with them, via call or text, how is your day sort of thing. We sent essays to each other.
I can write for days but I’ve also been on the low energy spectrum lately. Sometimes you just wanna secure the time and get through the day to make it to spend that quality time. Maybe send some kind of content that he can enjoy and comment on and see how he responds? As far as intimacy you say he has a lot of pressure at his workplace? See if he has a lavender oil allergy (or any other kind of allergy for future reference) and get him some and when you’re together again do a quick demo of putting it on his temple, neck and behind ears (if willing anyway).