Update: So many great considerations but the most salient ones are where I had to consider not having him as a friend or the possibility that he might feel used or that I didn’t value our friendship enough. I’ve also considered that maybe I actually do want to consider adding sex to our friendship and it would make more sense to talk to him openly about it or just decide to shut that door completely and focus on forming other connections to get that need met where it wouldn’t interfere with existing friendships.
——
I’m (38F) having a rough day. Grief stuff. My friend (37m) knows today is a tough day and texted he hopes I won’t be alone today. Honestly would like his company but I don’t want to talk or hang out. I’ve cried enough. I honestly just want to straddle him and fuck. He says he thinks highly of me and I’m honestly too scared to get rejected or lose his respect if I were to share that I want company but not how we usually hang out.
But … we have never crossed that line. I don’t even know if he finds me attractive in that way. I don’t see myself finding a stranger that I would trust myself with like this friend. I reach out to him about all types of goofy fears and stuff at random points and he is into all types of info about natural disasters and world events and he’s just good at entertaining my curiosity for the most part. But this sexual desire is *somewhat* out of the blue. I also don’t want him to be insulted by this. He just had a sudden loss in his family so I’m also trying to not lean on him too much this week. And I feel like he may just rule this out as my grief. I value him as a person and a friend. I just don’t feel like talking or doing much of anything else besides sex atm.
So I’m curious about the gentlefolk of Reddit….
Has a friend propositioned you for sex? If so, what factors did you consider to make your decision? Lastly, did your friendship change after this proposition?
28 comments
If bro isn’t in a relationship or marriage then he’s probably all for it. There’s only a 5-10% I’d say no to that kinda proposition while single
“Hey look I need a cock to cry on not a shoulder. You in?”
Twice. Once I said yes, the other I said no. Both decisions were purely on whether or not I had reciprocal physical attraction to them. In both instances our friendship changed dramatically after the conversation.
I’d say go for it, but know that your friendship WILL change after the conversation. Drop a subtle hint that what you really need is to get laid. See how he responds.
Alternatively if you really value the friendship, don’t risk it. Find some random hookup on Tinder or something.
If you aren’t fat or ugly, there’s 100% chance he’ll say yes.
If you are, you still have a 40-70% chance of him saying yes lol.
Just tell him you’re craving physical intimacy right now, and you only feel comfortable doing it with him, he’s either going to say yes or no (probably yes) and it shouldn’t complicate the friendship too much if you just communicate honestly and openly about it.
How single I am.
She had a bad first experience. So she approached me as safe man to experiment with. I was up front about no relationship. I’d try anything she suggested for fun. Some I’d done before, some I hadn’t. Overall it was a good experience. Went well until she caught feelings and got jealous.
“Do I trust this person to have **actual** no strings attached sex?”
If yes then cool; but if I have to deal with literally any fallout I’m going to pass
Most of my closest friends are women. Have not crossed that boundary ever with any of them. If any one of them was feeling as you describe, and they just needed my company (and more) for that night.. yes, they are my friend and it’s what they need. “Yeah I really don’t want to be alone right now, can you come over? Would you mind staying the night? It would mean a lot to me and I trust you.” He’ll be there 20 mph above the limit.
As others have said, he is very likely to be for it. But I would warn you that this does sound like a pretty bad idea. Once you cross that line the friendship will never be the same. This might not be a bad thing and work out in the end but it’s a hell of a gambit when you (or both of you) are emotionally compromised.
The only way this wouldn’t be really risky is if both of you are already into polyamorious communities or something.
Look, a large percentage of men on reddit are lonely and desperate. Take whatever advice you receive with a grain of salt.
Interestingly enough I had a friend ask me this recently. I turned her down. The biggest reason being I’m married. I honestly would’ve done it had I been single. I feel it tainted our friendship now.
… then it’s not a friend. Boundaries
My friend, you must know that if you do this then you won’t be able to make things be as before. There is a risk involved around your situation. What if after having sex just for relief your pain, suddenly you find a person to be with and leave your friend into a “no more sex” situation? Will your friendship resist this? I don’t think so.
Besides all of that, you can go further and go for a relationship, you lose your friendship as you have had before, but instead of being in a situation where you both can leave each other for anyone else, then you can live your new situation honestly and committed.
Sex needs commitment… or indifference, and a friendship with sex will push you both into any of this two options. You’ll become a couple or will separate for ever
Edit:
I need to add. There is highly possible that your friend want to have sex with you and start a relationship. You’re a single woman, he’s for sure seen you in a sexual way .
What I mean with all of this is that you should try it, you want it, but understanding there isn’t a way back. And that’s good.
I get your situation, and I’m sure most guys would take you up on that, but a friend may not want to have sex with you simply so you can feel better. If you wanted him, you should have likely worked up the courage to let him know before now. It just comes off that you only want to have sex with him to cope with your grief.
I think having an honest conversation with him about what exactly you’re feeling, is your best course.
Like others have mentioned, there’s probably a reasonably good chance he’d be down. However speaking as someone who has always had many female friends, it would be hyper dependent on the personality of the person making the request, and what kind of boundaries are put in place at the outset. It would be heart breaking to have mind blowing sex and catch feelings only to have the possibility of more taken away.
Go for it, but please, for your friendship, talk it out, and set reasonable boundaries and set expectations. Best of luck.
I feel having sex with a friend is much better than a stranger. More intimacy. And as long as both parties knownits only physical it can be fun.
My grounds are simple, if I feel theyvare too much like family it’s a no go. If I work with them it’s a no go. If they had relations with a friend or relative it’s a no go. And if they show they want more than sex it’s a no go.
I wish my woman handled her rough days by wanting to straddle me.
Instead, she’s just mean to everyone and snappy. 🤣
Yeah I’ve been approached a few times to either experiment untried desires or have quick fun as I was seen as the safe lips are sealed friend. It was an easy yes when you’re both single and find each other attractive.
The only way I see you being rejected is if he doesn’t want to come off as taking advantage of your grief or you got roaches crawling around. Test the waters or throw bro a life line and see if he takes it,if you don’t want to be bold about it.
“I’m glad it’s ME they approached, since I know my limits, rather than some asshole of unvetted morals.”
From a dude: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
[deleted]
I had a friend reach out once, she had broken up with her ex a few weeks back. Said she needed some rebound sex to help her move on emotionally but didn’t want to deal with trying to find a random etc. Just wanted some plain ol sex with absolutely zero strings of any kind.
I was single at the time so I gave it a few days lead time to make sure it wasn’t a spare of the moment thing for her. So we scheduled for the weekend.
Holy fuck some of the best sex I have ever had.
We never talked about it ever again. Still mates, she’s married with kids now. I was in a place where it worked for me and I could offer that solution.
I know myself well enough now to know I couldn’t do it at this point in time. Would cost me to much mentally, weird how life changes.
Be honest and clear. I personally have a rough time separating sex from emotion, so idk if I’d say yes – and if i did im not sure how genuine of a yes it would be.
If you’re comfortable with the fact that he might say no, and that the friendship might be a little awkward, then absolutely go for it. Just be clear with your expectations. He might be very down for it, but I’d be sure you’re in a place to have an emotional talk during the proposition.
Yes, she did. My circumstances were different from yours tho.
Background: I always thought we were “just friends”. We went to elementary school together and our paths kept intersecting ever since. Call her “Jane”.
**Story 01**: We were both 24 and hanging around my townhouse while I finished some work stuff before we went somewhere or other. After I finished, she randomly asked why we never kissed. I loled, said we were just friends and that’s it.
She said we should kiss. So, I kissed her and she said something like “That’s how you kiss a family member! I meant a REAL kiss.” So, I gave her a “real” kiss and I guess she liked it. I didn’t think much about it at the time. It was unusual. But life is unusual sometimes, don’t read too much into it.
**Story 02**: About ten years later, we were hanging around the kitchen in my condo. She kept mentioning her libido, how her bf wasn’t getting it done for her, how nice it would be to have one last roll in the hay before getting married (which she was in about two weeks).
When I thought back on things, I realized that she had mentioned her sex drive quite a few times over the years. I guess I’m sort of a prude because I always thought stuff like that should be kept quiet. But she didn’t seem to have that issue.
Eventually, she got tired of dropping hints (I guess) because she asked me if I wanted to go upstairs with her.
I was furious, tbh. It was like you’re asking yourself if this was what it had been about this whole time. Had she always wanted to do it with me?
Worse, she was basically asking me to be a participant in her infidelity. She was getting MARRIED in a few weeks. And I was supposed to be her big send off into “marital bliss”? I don’t think so.
Anyway, I ghosted her after that. Life’s too long to spend it hanging out with someone who thinks nothing of using other people for sex, cheating on her fiancée, etc.
tl;dr- Yes, our friendship changed (i.e., ended) after the proposition.
Out of the blue would be jarring for me. I’d say no, out of respect for her. I can’t just fuck my friend even if she asked. Even if it would make her feel better in the short term. I just know it will make things weird/awkward.
If I had feelings for this friend, I’d say yes but not if she *only* want sex.
Let’s say she wanted more than sex and we fucked, I’d feel guilty afterwards – thinking I took advantage of her position.
There’s no outcome where we’re both happy.
I have 2 friends (m and f) who clearly love eachother.
I asked why they are not a couple a few times (asked them individually) and the answer is the same, they are afraid to lose eachother so they rather remain friends and not try sex or romance.
I said to them, it’s better to regret doing something then regret not doing it.
Well, it’s how I live my life.
personally i ain’t one for casual sex, so i’d say no.