I am not sure I love anyone on this earth more unconditionally than my greatest friend Rach. We are both 36F. We have known each other a long time and been closer some years than others, but generally we accept each other completely and magical things tend to happen we we are together, things just work out and we have so many laughs and so much fun.
The last year or so has been tumultuous for both of us. I moved from the city we both lived in back to our hometown while she stayed where she was for a while longer, 2 hours away, trying to wait out with the finalization of her divorce and decide if she also wanted to move back to our hometown. Despite not living in the same city anymore, we remained as close as ever. I supported her in all the verbally abusive situations with her husband. She supported me while I moved back to help take care of my grandma who was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed 8 months later. My grandma was my main source of support throughout my life while everyone else in my family was very dysfunctional. She was a wonderful woman and next weekend it will be a year since she passed.
So Rach and I have both been going through our hardest times of our lives. She did move back to our hometown and her divorce was settled in mediation last week. I am ecstatic for her. I am also feeling exhausted with the situation because the vast majority of our conversations have been revolving around her now ex husband and the divorce, to the point I really have to assert myself if I want to feel supported. I have not been adjusting well in my grief nor to being a new homeowner for this past year, a home I am in all the time due to working from home. My company in the city allowed me to go from working in the office to working remotely so I could be with my grandma. I am grateful for that but unfortunately it has not been very good for my mental health. My social anxiety has gotten very bad due to not being around people enough and the fact that I’ve lost the sole person who consistently made me feel worthy in this world, my grandma. So I don’t avoid going out, but when I am out I tend to feel like I’m on the receiving end of judgement from people. I am back in therapy very recently (I wanted to be last year but had a hard time finding a therapist, so many not accepting new patients), and reading books and listening to podcasts about how I’m feeling to make my way out of it.
I also applied for a more professional job in my degree field which will challenge me more and get me back around people. I interviewed on the same day as Rach was in mediation. From telling her about getting the interview the week prior, to the interview taking place and me waiting to hear back, hopefully today, Rach had said not one positive or supportive things to me about it and I have definitely felt resentful of that. It is making me reevaluate whether our relationship is not as equal as I thought considering how I have listened and provided words of support so consistently during her separation and divorce. I mentioned in a text two days ago about a bad wave of grief I am in coming up on the first anniversary of my grandma’s death, and she responded to another part of the text but not that one.
So I am feeling pretty lost in this dynamic. She wants to go out to eat tonight and go to the weekly riverfront event and I don’t know if I should the way I am feeling. She probably wants to celebrate that her divorce is settled, but I will have a hard time focusing the attention on her good news when she hasn’t acknowledged the major events in my life lately.
The reevaluation of my relationship with her goes deep, and extends to other past relationships, because I am one who tends to chill and go with the flow to the point where other people can take me for granted that I will listen and support even if it is not being reciprocal.
It’s tempting to let this pass considering everything going on with her I know is significant, and my anxiety and bad thought patterns might be making mountains out of molehills, but I don’t want to chalk this up to just being in my mind, I don’t think that’s accurate. The healthy steps (guided meditations, journaling) I have taken to get me through my hurt feelings on my own have helped but not totally resolved things. Just stuck on whether I can tell her how I feel and risk a confrontational conversation. I could see us both becoming defensive.
I am not one to post on Reddit, more of an observer, so if this is not the right subreddit or format, my bad. I’m not sure it’s sensational enough for people to read all this and give me thoughts, but typing it out helps a bit anyways.
TLDR: I am feeling taken for granted by my closest friend as we both have major life hurdles and I’m not sure what to do.
4 comments
It’s not wrong to say “Hey could we talk about my job situation for a minute?” And if she doesn’t want to, to ask “I know you’ve been going through a lot, and I hope I can say I’ve been there for you, because you’re my closest friend… but I feel like you don’t really want to talk about my stuff – and that’s been hard for me. You’re my closest friend and your support means the world to me.”
The longer you let it go unaddressed, the more resentment you’re going to build up. You should make your feelings heard. Hopefully, Rachel will understand. If she doesn’t, it’s okay to take some space and let her deal with her stuff alone for a bit. You guys are good friends and can probably work it out in the long term.
You day that you’ve been lonely and craving more social contact: I don’t think you should refuse to go out with a friend right now. It sucks that she’s been self-absorbed lately, but if I read correctly it hasn’t always been that way? Maybe this divorce just kind of took everything out of her and she wasn’t at her best throughout. Maybe it’s also because you haven’t been face to face very much?
If I were you I’d wait it out to see if it goes better now that the divorce is over. Maybe match her energy a bit more, you don’t have to go out of your way to be supportive if she doesn’t give it back.
How long have you been friends. I am also your age and have had 3-4 friends since I’ve been about 10. We have gone through waves and different stages of life within that time. Sometimes you need to minute but she’s going through shit too. So right now she may not be able to give what you need and you can’t what she needs. You can talk to her about it if you want, but honestly might not get you far. Some distance might be best, but I wouldn’t toss a friendship like this.
I agree it was kind of shitty for her to gloss over the part about you feeling bummed out about the anniversary of your grandma’s death in the text — maybe she didn’t know how to respond so she just didn’t, but still. She’s probably overwhelmed herself and just lacks the emotional bandwidth to be empathetic towards you.
>Just stuck on whether I can tell her how I feel and risk a confrontational conversation
I assume you’ve been friends 20-25+ years. Trust that you can have this conversation. Stick to using “I feel” statements — that maybe you’re feeling emotionally burnt out from talking about the divorce so much, and that you feel like your needs are being neglected and taking from granted. And that you felt hurt when she ignored the part in the text about your grandma’s death.
The thing that always goes wrong in these conversations is if your goal isn’t to have her understand how you feel, but rather to call her out and get that immediate catharsis. It accomplishes nothing in the long run as both parties end up getting defensive. Come from a place of empathy and desire to understand. If you see yourself or Rachel getting defensive, try to deescalate.
I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. Your friend sounds like she has been self-absorbed, but major things are going on in her life. This isn’t some big act of malice and it doesn’t mean she’s a shitty person. But she’s been a bad friend, and if you help her understand your perspective, she might identify that. I had a similar conversation with a friend of 20 years, and it wasn’t until I explained my perspective that she realized why I’d been feeling hurt (I had lashed out a bit with some passive aggressive texts that prompted a full conversation).