I was seeing this guy for over a year. (I thought) We had developed trust, intimacy, and comfort over the time we saw each other. I’m 22 and he just turned 30 a couple months ago. We also had really similar sexual drives and interests and kinks. I’d see him pretty often, usually at least once or twice a weekend, but sometimes only twice a month. We went on dates too, usually a pool bar or arcade bar, sometimes movies, sometimes just walked around talking. But the main thing we did was have sex. We usually went for at least 1 hour, sometimes up to 6. We went to a shibari class to learn how to tie eachother up. I healed some of my sexual issues with him since he was so caring, passionate, and kind to me. He always tried hard to make me orgasm which was nice and obviously very pleasurable but also new to me, I haven’t experienced that with my previous partners. He’d tell me that I was probably the best he’s ever had (as in the most compatible) and that it was crazy how good it felt every time we saw eachother.
All of that feels like its come crashing down since things ended. A couple weeks ago I found out he was married the entire time. The entire year I saw him, whenever he left my place, he went back home to sleep beside his wife. That’s so repulsive to think about. His wife contacted me recently calling me a bunch of names, told me that I probably actually knew he was married before she told me (I didn’t, I had NO idea until we spoke), and that I’m a hoe and no better than a prostitute. I was honestly shocked by the call since the first time we spoke a couple weeks ago, when she asked me how I knew him and I asked her the same, we had a very civil and normal conversation. So I’m guessing that he told her those things about me. Which is very very hurtful since I really trusted that man. But also not surprising since he’s apparently the type to hide his wife and lie about her existence. If he’d do that to her, of course he’d do it to me.
I don’t get how he could do all those things with me and then talk about me like that? It’s making me feel super insecure. I don’t know how I’m supposed to enjoy sex again, it might be ruined for me. Like I totally and completely trusted him, in the entire year he never hurt me or pushed my boundaries or made me feel violated. He gave me reassurance and we tried new things together. Meanwhile the whole time I’m just the young freaky hoe to him? The whore who never says no? The reason I enjoyed sex with him so much is because I trusted him and felt real intimacy with him. And that was all fake this whole time? How do you know when it is real? Honestly I can’t imagine enjoying sex in the same way again which is devastating to me since I am a pretty sexual person. Even masturbating doesn’t feel as good lately.
Edit: Seems like some people are confused. I was not in a relationship or looking for one with this man. We had a connection and a friendship, and also really great sex, and that is all I wanted at the time. And it obviously was working really well for me. I couldn’t promise something long term for my own reasons, and he told me he had reasons too. My hurt and confusion is not because I thought we were secretly in love and meant to be together forever, it is because he used me and lied to me for an entire year while we had an intimate relationship. Also discussing that is not even the point of this post, I mainly feel extremely sexually insecure and don’t want to feel that way. I want to feel empowered and sexy again and I don’t at all. I like having sex and I enjoy it, but ever since finding this out, it feels like I never will again.
28 comments
Maybe not care so much what men think and say?
This is just you, feeling bad and theorizing about him calling you a hoe, which he never actually did.
He’s a lying cheater scumbag, that’s for sure, and his wife is understandably upset. This was not your fault, and he will obviously tell her anything to save himself, but it has nothing to do with you.
he would have painted you bad to his wife to make out you mean nothing but sex, hes a piece of shit thats what they do! he wont say to his wife that SHE is the bad one, hes worming his way around her so she doesnt go as mad as he deserves. Yea its a mess but there are nice guys out there, best make sure you see where they live and no secrets and times where they cant talk that dont seem right. sorry this happened to you and hope it has built some armour to know what to look out for in future.
This really reads like CW. But of all the red flags in this story, most glaring is your focus on “how to enjoy sex again” instead of “how did I date a married man for a year without knowing”.
People, if you find yourself in this apocryphal situation, concentrate on developing the ability to qualify potential partners.
Just because his wife called you a hoe doesn’t mean he did. She’s just upset and is lashing out at you. Don’t take any of that to heart.
You’re understandably feeling hurt and betrayed. But please don’t let someone who would betray his marriage and you like this steal something you enjoy. This wasn’t your fault. Give yourself time to heal. And please block both of them if you haven’t already so you don’t have to be on the receiving end of their drama anymore.
> But the main thing we did was have sex….The reason I enjoyed sex with him so much is because I trusted him and felt real intimacy with him. And that was all fake this whole time?
Physical intimacy doesn’t automatically include emotional intimacy. You cultivated a FWB with this guy for over a year, but your post doesn’t really read like you two were ever seriously dating.
> And that was all fake this whole time? How do you know when it is real?
Did you take care of each-other when sick? Spend holidays or plan trips together? Lounge around doing nothing at his home together? Real relationships require sharing your lives with one another on a level far deeper than movie dates and sex. Your connection wasn’t fake, but any ideas you had about things going further than this was somewhat outlandish. After a year, if things are still as superficial as you described they probably aren’t going to deepen.
> Meanwhile the whole time I’m just the young freaky hoe to him?
You aren’t a prostitute or hoe, but you were more than likely just a young, freaky sexual outlet for him. If you want something more substantial with another person you’ll need to push your emotional boundaries, not just your sexual ones.
Guys are hoes too though society doesn’t it see them that way….don’t beat yourself up. It’s not your fault for his dishonesty. Get over him and live your life. The best way to get over someone is get under another 😉
It’s totally reasonable to feel completely shocked and blindsided by all this, and it’s going to take a minute for it to heal. I think you have a lot of different things tangled up in this situation that you need to pull apart, sort out, and figure out what to keep and what to throw out.
First off, the sex and intimacy, the way he made you feel comfortable. That was all very real. You can keep that. Yes, he was married the whole time, but the things you guys did were very real, the feelings you felt were very real. People can be sexual and intimate with multiple partners at the same time. Of course it should all be consensual, and you didn’t consent to be with a married guy, but that doesn’t mean he was lying to you about the things he said about you. Anything he said that made it sound like you’d be a couple or whatever you can obviously toss out, but I think there’s a lot you can keep.
Second, him and his wife. Yeah, you bet she’s gonna say a whole lot of shit to you because her husband was fucking you behind your back. You weren’t doing this intentionally, so all the shit she said and assumed about you are wrong, and while it may hurt, you should rationally recognize that this is the response you’d expect from a scorned woman. You also don’t know exactly what he told her, and there’s really no use trying to guess. It’ll only hurt you.
Third, once you’re a bit further through the heartbreak, you should be able to look at what you had going with him and realize that you can have that with someone else who ISN’T a lying, married piece of shit. There are good men out there who will treat you well. Never lose sight of that.
Fourth, heartbreak takes time to heal, and that’s really all that heals it. It hurts, it’s one of the most painful feelings, but this is temporary, no matter how much it seems permanent. You are dealing with the fallout and of course you’d lose your sexual appetite from this. It’s not gone forever. It’s buried underneath the hurt, the deceit, the anger. Don’t feel rushed to get it back. It’ll always be there.
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Send receipts to his wife before he gets someone else tied up in his mess.
I’m sorry you were betrayed in this way. If I were a doctor, I’d prescribe lots of time devoted to self love.
I would say take this as a life lesson. Rise above him, he’s a lying cheat. All he cares about is himself.
He’s the one who has the issues at the end of the day. If he’s married then he’s the hoe
Almost everybody ends up accidentally dating a slut like him at some point. It’s just part of dating. You run into these terrible people. But don’t worry, it doesn’t mean there aren’t great people out there too. Keep looking. Learn what you can from this experience.
Nobody with their head on their shoulders sees you as a whore because a man cheated on his wife with you. We all know that she’s a fool and he is slut.
You have been used and dumped. Love yourself and move on. What others say don’t define you. You are only 22, write your own life story with a better man!
Tell his wife that she should focus on her obviously failing relationship
So just to be clear, there was a point in which you *did* ask him about being exclusive and he lied to you about it?
Or did it never come up at all?
She needs to redirect that anger towards her husband. He took vows with her not you. He lied and hurt you both. Unless you know for a fact he called you those things I wouldn’t assume he did. She’s upset and taking it out on you. I’m sure he tried saving his ass but the best you can do is block them both and if you have a hard time getting over this please speak to someone. He played you both.
I am sorry this happened to you. You are not a whore. You were lied to. She is just very very angry. You are a convenient target. You have every right to be angry and hurt too. I hope this doesn’t ruin sex for you, but that is up-to-you. Not every man is a liar; be patient and find that connection with another person who you can trust.
Considering the title is about his calling you a whore and not him being a two-timing jackass, you’re definitely hyper-fixating on the wrong things here, ma’am.
Go be a hoe and just do you. Forget this guy and if he’s making life too complicated, do you really have that much time to waste on that? Someone worth that time will come around and appreciate you for you. And if they never do at least you spent your time doing what made you happy instead.
You’re not a hoe, he’s the hoe
In your post you did mention that he also said he had reasons not to commit too. He may not have specified that he was married BUT you never asked what his reasons were either. You didn’t want a committed relationship and neither did he. Now you know the reason. Just take it in stride and ask the next time. It’s not your fault he had a wife and didn’t tell you. You can’t control what other people do (although Evangelical Christians think so).
Not your fault that he is a liar who sounds like he is in a dysfunctional marriage.
*I healed some of my sexual issues with him since he was so caring, passionate, and kind to me. He always tried hard to make me orgasm which was nice and obviously very pleasurable but also new to me, I haven’t experienced that with my previous partners. He’d tell me that I was probably the best he’s ever had (as in the most compatible) and that it was crazy how good it felt every time we saw eachother.*
Focus on the fact that the positives that came out of the relationship were that you were able to find this type of connection. Don’t ever speak to him again but this is out there for you. YOu found that you can enjoy sex and you will certainly find other partners you can connect with in a similar way who are not shady.
This guy went out of his way (from your other comments) to conceal that he was married. His wife is well aware that he was not posting her on social media nor was he wearing a wedding ring. She is transferring anger towards you because it is the two of them that have the fucked up relationship. She just wants to be angry at the other person who was lied to. I’d avoid both of them and realize that you did not do anything wrong.
Lots of great stuff here about why he may have said “bad” things about you to his wife, but I really want to reiterate not letting this mofo taint your view about sex and your sexuality.
If expressing yourself sexually in a “hoe” like manner makes you feel empowered, embrace it! Sex is fun, exciting, expressive release…don’t change that because someone got caught doing something they shouldn’t and lied to look better. (His wife is silly to put any blame on you, imo, it was her husbands *choice* to step out on her, but you can’t alway think clearly when you are upset)
As an older woman that has been called every name under the Sun, those names only have the power you give them.
I embrace my inner whore, if someone is lucky enough to be graced with her presence, they are a lucky soul. Be yourself and enjoy what you want.
I’m SOOO sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re able to find a way to realize that your experience was real and valid, even if it wasn’t the same for the guy. *He* took advantage of you, did an awful thing by cheating on his wife, and then tried to “cover his ass” by demeaning you to her in order to somehow make it better. NONE of that is on you!
It’s difficult not to internalize the pain and blame when someone we trust betrays us. But, you have no reason to feel ashamed of your sexuality. He exploited it to his benefit, and *that’s* what’s shameful.
If anything, learn from the experience somehow and be more careful with future partners. But please don’t feel like any of it was your fault, or that you’re a ho, or whatever else. People like this guy take advantage of *good* people, and they’re the ones who should be ashamed.
Calling you a Whore doesn’t make you a whore!
You should not feel bad or insecure at all. He’s a douche for cheating on his wife and I’m sure the only reason he told her bad things about you was to make her hate you more than him. He put the blame on you instead of taking responsibility. In a way you should actually feel good about yourself that he kept coming back. I know that sounds a little weird and probably an uncommon view to take, but really, think about it. There was obviously something about YOU that he wanted.
You don’t know that he holds any of the opinions of his angry wife but he did lie to you for a year. That’s on him not you, you didn’t do anything wrong here.
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