This being the “where are my dragons” quite by him. It’s just what my brother is calling it.
Context.
My husband is not a cat person. He never has been though he is very much a dog person. We have one of each. My cat Lou, and his dog.
A couple weeks ago, there was a bad storm with a tornado warning.
We have multiple massive trees surrounding out house to make this all the more dangerous.
My husband called me downstairs when he got the tornado warning notif. On his phone, grabbed his dog and went down to the basement. During this time I asked him multiple times if he’s seen my cat, and he said, ‘she’s downstairs’ ‘i saw her downstairs, ‘shes under the couch downstairs’. So I followed him down. So I went to look for her.
She wasn’t there.
I asked him where he’s last seen her. (She storm is loud and very close at this point.)
And this time when I ask him he says ‘i don’t know. I haven’t seen her she’s probably under the couch.’
I check under the couch again. And tell him she’s not there.
And he just shrugs and says ‘she’s a cat, I’m sure she’s fine.’
I see red and scream at him ‘where is my fucking cat’. And then before he can answer, I run upstairs to search for her.
Admittedly is was very dramatic after that, the storm was horrible I dragged her out from under my bed, pretty much near missing a massive branch that broke off and broke two of our windows in said bedroom. And brought her downstairs where I did not speak to him for the rest of the night.
(We have since had the windows fixed.)
It’s been very awkward since then. But I’m just as angry as him because I feel like he risked my cats life just because he doesn’t like her. I’m trying hard to forgive him so I can start a conversation about this, but I feel very wronged.
My brother does not like my husband, and things he’s being dramatic, but my mother does like him but on this agrees that he was in the wrong.
My husband still won’t speak to me.
How do I start a conversation about this, when I feel like he’s so much in the wrong?
29 comments
So did he actually know where the cat was or not?
He was in the wrong. I am a dog owner and you do not leave a pet in danger in a storm.
That said, your cat was hiding. It is possible he truly thought the cat was under the couch. You won’t know if you don’t speak.
I am rather concerned that you didn’t have an emergency plan that included the pets. Cats, in particular, can be inclined to hide and be hard to find (as can certain dogs, especially small ones).
Climate change is moving much faster than we originally anticipated. These dangerous storms (and wild fires and floods and storm surges) are becoming increasingly common even in areas that were once considered relatively safe from natural disaster.
You both behaved in ways that were dangerous given the circumstances – his refusal to help with your cat and you narrowly avoiding serious injury or death by being upstairs in tornado weather.
This can be avoided – including the silent treatment you’re currently dealing with – by having safety plans.
I would be very upset with my husband too. Because he either straight up lied to you about knowing your cat was downstairs or if he thought maybe the cat COULD be downstairs but didn’t really know, that’s still very dismissive of your feelings and your cat who you care about. So yeah that was shitty of him. I think it’s understandable you had an emotional reaction to it.
he doesn’t give a fuck about your cat and he’s a child who refuses to talk to you about it.
your marriage is broken.
Some of these comments are weird. I’m admittedly a dog person (and allergic to cats to boot) but if my husband had any kind of pet, I’d be helping him find them after securing my dog, or at the very least not *assuming* they’re safe and lying that I’d seen them somewhere.
It might help to write a letter outlining your feelings about the situation. I’d focus on why you were so upset during the storm (because you were scared for your cat) and why you were upset afterward (because you felt like lied about where she was and didn’t help you look).
Your husband is 200% in the wrong. He was willing to sacrifice your cat. And now he is trying to guilt you into forgiving him. He is acting like a child. Tell him the two of you need to have an adult discussion as to his motives. This is a huge deal breaker.
What happens with the next storm? Or if your cat had gotten out through the broken windows? He needs to own up to what he did and give you an explanation. If he does not talk and instead acts like a spoiled child then you need to determine if he is worth it. Because your cat is in danger from him. One day your cat may suddenly be gone and he says it “accidentally” got out or something along those lines. And then he will get another dog and you will not be able to have a feline companion.
I’m not sure what’s with some of these comments. The guy very obviously lied, possibly because he was concerned for your safety, but his lie not only ended up risking your cat’s life but also yours, since the storm was that much worse by the time you got upstairs. And now he’s acting like a child because you hurt his feelings when you raised your voice. It sounds like there’s a good reason your brother doesn’t like this asshole.
That said, I’m very glad you found your cat and got her downstairs safely. ❤️
If my partner lied and put my kitty in danger I would not be able to look at him the same way after that. Major breach of reliability.
He’s wrong. He lied about the whereabouts of the cat and then waffled and hedged and finally admitted that he didn’t know or care where she was. A living thing that you love and care about. That’s fucked up.
Small wonder you lost your mind, I would have too. Doesn’t matter if he’s not a cat person or indeed if he doesn’t like that particular cat, she’s a living thing under your care. And as you’re married, she comes under his purview as well. If you had to leave for a week, would he just let her starve? Not clean the litter box?
I would tell him that we need to talk about what happened and why I freaked out when I didn’t know where my cat was during the storm.
Maybe say something like this: “I was upset because I love her and you seemed to not care if she lived or died. You lied about knowing where she was to get me downstairs. When it became apparent she wasn’t down there because I was frantically searching for her, you shrugged like it didn’t matter and said she’d be fine. At that point I panicked and lost my composure thinking I might lose her because you weren’t honest about her whereabouts. That’s why I shouted and ran upstairs.
You don’t need to like my cat but she’s important to me. Since you’re married to me you should at least care that she is healthy and safe.”
Depending on how he responds you can decide how to move forward. I’d feel really uncomfortable with a person who showed such callous disregard for my pet.
(also I don’t know who is downvoting this but pets are parts of people’s families. These are living creatures under their care. I cannot believe people are downvoting advocating for someone to care about the safety of a pet, WTF?)
Both living, breathing animals and he only cares about one of them. He kinda sucks.
Uh? I’m a cat person and I have two of them but they definitely scatter when scary noises happen. I wouldn’t expect anyone to know exactly where they are (and there are so many hiding places they can cram themselves into) and yell at them over not knowing. And the cat could have been downstairs but moved upstairs by the time you started looking. Frankly under the couch was a good guess and would have been one of the first places I looked anyways.
He could have helped find the cat though and you should have just gone to the obvious hiding places instead of yelling and thinking your husband secretly knows where the cat is but is refusing to tell you for some reason. If *thats* what you assume about your own husband you have greater problems than the cat issue.
My husband is allergic to my cat. And he would never abandon her like this.
No decent human would let an innocent animal suffer.
He lied to you, he put your cats life at risk, yours as well for not immediately confessing when you were panicked and looking downstairs and now *he* isn’t talking *to you*?? Silent treatments are borderline abusive to abusive. How dare he have an attitude with you. I’d have a hard time staying attracted to someone that behaved this way.
“Admittedly I was very dramatic after that”. Lacking this context should stop people from giving advice. The problem with these scenarios is they are always one sided. He might have a different story.
He lied to you and said your cat was safe, when it wasn’t. That’s fucked.
My divorce papers would literally say “Where was my fucking cat?”
He’s mad at you for worrying about your cat? I don’t understand what reason he’s mad for? Other than your valid reason to be mad at him for saying it’d be fine???????
You need to take a close look at your relationship. Is this the only area where what is important to him matters, and what is important to you is not??
Your husband won’t speak to you because ***HE*** left your cat to die?
Really? He’s trying to make you the bad guy?
I’d be even more upset that he’s mad at all. He’s completely in the wrong and he’s the mad one?
Okay so this is sort of not related, but can I tell you that my parents have been wrong about every partner I’ve had but my brother is SPOT ON EVERY TIME. Parents get the Angel version where brothers usually (in my case) get the more real version of that person because they get the mask off. Anywho….
Your husband is being an asshat. I would have done the same thing for any of my animals and the fact that he can’t see what he did was wrong or just admit fault and move on is a little alarming. Your cat could have been hurt or gotten lost. This is would be a hard thing for me to forgive because I would 100 percent consider this a character flaw.
If there was ANY pet in my home during a storm like this I would be making sure it was safe (to the best of my ability) regardless of if I liked it or not. That’s not even taking into account if it were the pet of someone I cared about!
Your husband is a selfish ass who not only doesn’t care about how YOU would feel if the cat were harmed, but also shows a startling lack of respect for living creatures in general. Like, unless rescuing the thing would pose a serious physical risk to him there’s no excuse for him to be so callous.
I want to say first that he shouldn’t have assumed the cat was downstairs without looking.
But why is it his responsibility to get your cat? You mentioned your cats name in your intro, but not his dogs name. You call it his dog. He made sure he had HIS dog. I feel as though you don’t care for the dog either, which doesn’t matter, but the dog is his responsibility and the cat is yours.
Past that- I fond it odd neither of you care for the other pet living in your home. You guys need to be nicer to the poor animals that live with you. And also- take responsibility for your own pet.
How are you married and living together, and still consider the pets separate ownership? you both own a dog and a cat, and you should both look out for the wellbeing of both pets.
Is it possible that the cat was downstairs but just ran upstairs? Was the storm actually bad enough to be an actual danger to anyone?
Holy shit your husband is a peice of shit. Imagine just leaving one of your family pets to die because… well the most lenient guess would be that he is lazy?
This man wont lift a finger to help your cat. Remember that for when your cat NEEDS help. I would be able to stay with someone who will let our pets die
Dude is seriously giving you the silent treatment? He needs to grow up.
Anecdote time, kids! [Children cheering jubilantly]
I had house fire, the fire fighters scared the hell out of my cats and sent one darting into the night while securing the other. I was injured in the course of events and had to go to the ER for wounds acquired during the whole ordeal, but we dropped off the recovered cat at her place before hand. Upon release from the hospital, my now wife – who doesn’t love the other cat, but he and I are thick as thieves – spent hours with my limping-around ass trudging through a debris-laden and smoked out house, yard, and garage hoping to find sign of him. Eventually we did and were able to snatch him up. She drove off to her place to grab a cat carrier (mine was destroyed in the fire), and reunited the fuzzy fam.
Short story long, she didn’t care for the cat but knew I did, and that’s what mattered to her. Five years later, that fool snuggles with her at night instead of me.
Your dude needs to grow the hell up. If the cat matters to you it should matter to him. That’s it and that’s all.
PS – Dogs are cool too.
To be honest, the guy clearly doesn’t care about the cat and you obviously knew that before this situation.
The cat could’ve been downstairs and snuck out, he could’ve thought he saw it and was mistaken, or he could’ve lied because he was concerned for your safety and didn’t want you searching throughout the house putting your life at risk for a cat.
I’d just hammer out why he said that. If it’s the first two situations, explain to him like a child that you love your cat and that y’all need to be 100% positive that it’s safe so you don’t have to risk getting hurt going into a storm to find the cat. If it’s the third reason, honestly, he’s probably right but if you say “well I’m going into the storm for it if I can’t find it so if you just help we can be safer, faster”
If he just hates the cat and just lied because he wanted it dead…. Yeah, that’s just crazy and also highly unlikely.
I don’t like cats, never have. My wife had two cats before we met. She loves them how I love my two dogs that I had before we met. She wasn’t a big fan of big dogs. We both take care of each others animals because we love each other, and know how important they are. Seems normal to be expected.
Call me old fashioned, but there’s no way in hell my wife is going into a storm for anything. That’s big poppas job.
That being said, if something happened, I’d haunt her and complain about how I died for her damn cats for the rest of her life.
I don’t have a storm story, but I am definitely a dog person, I don’t particularly like cats, and the past week I spent 2 hours every day to keep company to may partner’s mother’s cat while she was in the hospital so that my partner could spend all day at the hospital with her mother. I went to feed her and put some music and had her calm down and cuddled her and talked to her, because my partner always told me she gets relaxed and eats more when she hears people’s voices around. I was happy to do it and offered to myself.
It’s just about empathy for an animal and caring for what your partner loves. I don’t think I could ever forgive someone for doing what your boyfriend did in such a dangerous situation.