We’ve been together 5 years. For the past 2 it’s been rough, we were fighting all the time until I threatened to leave. He admitted he was letting a lot of unprocessed issues hurt me and apologized. The verbal abuse stopped, which showed me he’s capable of change and renewed my hope in us. He’s got a lot of trauma but he’s a good guy.
Things were good until recently I started feeling unsatisfied with our sex life. If you want more detail, you can check my profile for my other posts. To summarize, he became selfish in bed. We were doing BDSM but he never gave me aftercare. I asked for 10+ little things/changes in the bedroom. He would do it maybe twice, or refuse and belittle me. I felt used.
I finally had a talk with him, I was blunt about me feeling dehumanized and like he didn’t care about my pleasure. He seemed confused but quickly said, done I’ll focus on your pleasure more. We didn’t get to unpack everything b/c he had to go, but I felt better. Until he called me angry for making him late, saying my feelings are valid but I shouldn’t journal before talking to him about a problem, because I’ll spiral and make it 5x worse in my head than it really is.
When I got off the phone I cried. I’m tired of feeling confused, trying to figure out whether he’s gaslighting me or not. I made a reddit post for advice. I got some DMs and ended up sexting a few of the guys that reached out to me.
Bf caught me a few days later. We talked for 4 hours. Genuinely shocked by how little he yelled, but it was heart wrenching. The next morning he surprised me with the most intense sex. He told me to kneel so he could come on my face (which we’ve done before nbd).
Then after he helped me clean up, he showed me a picture he just took. It was me, fully nude, on my knees covered in his cum. He said “if you get to cheat, then me taking some photos for the spank bank every now and then makes it even.” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say other than “make sure you keep that under lock and key.”
I’ve always had a very strict rule of not showing my face in nudes. He disrespected my boundary and it feels gross. I know I violated his trust too and that’s fucked up. I’m not even morally against the concept of revenge. But this has more implications, he could use this as blackmail. I don’t think he would, but right after he caught me he said: “you’re lucky I need you or I would NOT hesitate to take screenshots and show your parents you’re a w***e! I could burn every bridge you have if I wanted to.” I want to say he was just overcome with emotion and anger at the time. But this just feels too far. If I’m wrong and/or being self centered please tell me.
Tdlr; boyfriend (27M) caught me (24F) sexting, then took nudes inciuding my face w/o my consent. Did he take it too far or am I being selfish? Does this mean we’re “even?”
20 comments
>I don’t think he would, but right after he caught me he said: “you’re lucky I need you or I would NOT hesitate to take screenshots and show your parents you’re a w***e! I could burn every bridge you have if I wanted to.”
Are you kidding me? No you’re not even. Yes, you cheated and that’s really shitty but he’s clearly enjoying using that as an excuse to blackmail you into staying with him. I would get far away from this guy…
This should be your cue to leave, and double-check your jurisdiction’s laws on revenge porn.
This sounds like a very toxic relationship, OP. He directly violated your boundaries, he’s threatening blackmail, calling you names, threatening your relationships and potential future opportunities by saying he could burn every bridge you have. I would get out immediately. It’s too far. Way too far.
two wrongs don’t make a right. That said, what you did was worse as in the hurt he’d feel. Clearly though he’s skidding or breaking the law by doing this to you.
Get out of this, your deserve better.
Record him saying more stuff like this and go to the cyber cell. Don’t hide the cheating. But revenge porn or the threat of that and taking pics without consent are crime and not just immoral.
Not even gonna read it. Just the title is enough. Break up already jfc
The relationship is done at this point
leave this dude, move back in with your parents, get in a better place, financially, and then find your own place
Are you even?! Evenly messed up? Sure.
Is this an ad? I mean, honestly. “I sexted with some redditors and then my bf took a pic of me covered in cum.” Are we supposed to DM you asking for the pic? What the fuck.
are you kidding me??? this is absolutely abusive, he’s controlling you with REVENGE PORN!!! that’s very serious, girl
try and get to his phone and computer to delete everything he has on you, find a lawyer and see what you can do if he has more that you haven’t deleted and BREAK IT OFF than block him forever because he’s revengeful and dangerous
This is an extremely toxic relationship he has no respect for you you’re already cheating on him and now he’s taking inappropriate photos of you without consent it’s time to move on.
I feel like you cheating was way worse then him snapping a nude of you to use personally.
Yeah, none of this is okay. You need to find a way to get into his phone and delete the picture, as well as any others he may have taken of you or any other places he may have saved this. This relationship as a whole is unhealthy and needs to be over. There’s no excuse to cheat, and he’s straight up abusive making big threats like that.
Double check the laws in your jurisdiction and make sure you let him know that you’ll use the full extent of the law if he tries to share your nudes or spread any revenge porn.
Why were you sexting other people when you are in a relationship LMAO
Not sure you two have the whole “healthy relationship” thing worked out just yet.
I didn’t read the text. Just the title.
Talk to a lawyer. Nudes without consent is a crime in many countries, and rightfully so. He violated and abused you sexually.
Try to get hold of the phone to delete the photos. Then dump him. You are in an abusive and toxic relationship.
EDIT: Texting isn’t even cheating, imho. He could’ve learned something on what he lacks as a sexual partner.
This isn’t a “I emotionally cheated so he gets to do revenge porn”” thing. That’s not a thing?
He violated your boundaries and could put you in harms way by posting or threatening to. You’re very much under reacting
I’m sorry honey. Love isn’t enough and this relationship is not going to get any better. You don’t need to be even. You need to go your seperate ways. He’s deflecting and gaslighting you and it’s not ok.
Jesus get out. He is unwell and completely selfish. He’s gaslighting you and that’s abuse. If he was a better partner you wouldn’t have texted.