Basically, my wife told me she doesn’t feel attraction or desire for me anymore after I made a cosmetic change to my appearance to more authentically express my identity to the world.
I checked with her before I made the change and she was fine with it. Now she doesn’t know if she can adjust and be attracted to me again and its made me realize that, despite no other issues in our relationship, I don’t think I can be happy long term in a sexless relationship.
Am I wrong here?
I am comfortable with the idea that I sometimes have to unlearn problematic ways of feeling and thinking that I learned from society as a kid but idk if this is that kinda issue or not.
9 comments
What kind of cosmetic change? If you make a cosmetic change and she’s no longer attracted to you, what do you expect? Honest question
A relationship without sex or sexual attraction is called a friendship.
Sex is a key ingredient in a healthy romantic relationship unless both parties fully consent to being sexless (i.e. asexual folks, or whoever else).
If society is telling you that wanting sex with your wife is problematic, find another society because that one sucks ass.
if she doesnt want you then you have to decide if its worth staying. what will you be getting out of it that you cant do as friends? or separate ways altogether
Tbh, I think it marks the end of the relationship.
I think it depends on what you had done. If this is a drastic change to how you looked before or if it impacts how you present to the world, she may not have anticipated this could be quite so different. I’m not defending her in any way, I just think sometimes people think they are ok with something and then after that something happens they realize they – in fact – are not.
The bigger thing is that if she is unwilling to meet your sexual needs at all, you have to decide if you can live with that long term. I, like you, place a lot of importance on sex and my partner desiring me to feel secure in my relationship, so I don’t know that I would continue to be with someone who had neither.
You could maybe try couples therapy to sort through some of this.
>Am I wrong to place such importance on my sex life?
That’s not the question you should be asking.
The questions you should be asking are 1. “If gauges are so important to me, how did I marry someone in the first place who wasn’t cool with them?” and 2. “Are gauges more important to me than being married to my wife?”
Then, possibly, a third question “Are the gauges the actual problem here for my wife, or are they merely the obvious symbol for some other, deeper problem she’s having here?”
Your not wrong. She is allowed to say you can do the surgery with my blessing not knowing what the true outcome will be and decide after she does not like it. You also have the right to end the relationship if you can not live with out sex. If you both love each other you should talk about it.
Not that kind of issue. Sexless relationship when sex is important to you is a problem.
So you’re choosing gauges over your wife? And therefore choosing gauges over sex?
Or is it that you’re already moving away from her anyway, and that’s why you’re embracing the gauges again in the first place? In an attempt to claw back some long forgotten identity?