To give a little context, my bf and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. I’m currently pregnant with our first child, we have a dog together, and are currently looking for a house together. (We have lived together practically our whole relationship but just recently moved into his parents place to save up money to buy a home instead of renting.) Our relationship is great, no issues in regards to anything else but this one that continues to occasionally pop up in our relationship.
My bf has never once brought up an ex in a way of comparing me to them, or has brought up just one specific ex repeatedly that’s he’s still hung up on or anything like that. When they do get brought up, he doesn’t even use their names he just says “my ex…” and I usually have to ask which one in which he’ll reply “the one I was with for X amount of time, the one that cheated on me, etc” but he never uses their names. So I’m not concerned about him still being in love with any of them or comparing me to them or whatever. But the problem is, is we live in a small rural area and my bf has had a few relationships (longest one being a little over 2 years, shortest one being a few months that I know of) and every few weeks it feels like he’s either mentioning seeing one of his exes, her friends, or her family members. Even his own family will sometimes bring an ex up and talk about a vacation they brought the ex along on, or a pet dog one of his exes had that they compared to the dog that my bf and I got together; stuff like that. One time, one of his exes fathers even stopped him to talk to him, and even invited him over to hang out and play pool??
Its gotten to the point now though where even going to look at houses, we’ll drive by the house to see the area/location it’s in and he’ll say “my ex lives near here” “my exes parents live a few doors down from here” etc etc. One of the times he said it, I asked which ex and he told me not an important one (a very short relationship that was in like middle school, nothing serious at all) but then later said it was a different ex (one he was in a relationship with for 6 months and she cheated on him) and he knew they still lived there, years later, because he knew what her truck looked like that she got AFTER they broke up.
Another issue is a specific grocery store near our home we used to go to all of the time, but after countless times of him going to pick something up after work or something and coming home just to tell me he saw his ex, his exes mom/dad, whatever, I’ve gotten to the point that I told him I don’t like going there anymore and we drive to a different grocery store now. (It’s the same distance away just the opposite direction so it’s not a huge deal.)
And the memory that sticks in third place for me is when he went to go get his haircut. In the three years we’ve dated, he’s gone only a handful of times because he wears his hair a little longer. This time, he went right after work to some place he never went to before, came home, and the first thing he had to tell me was the girl that cut his hair was one of his exes friends (I don’t even remember which ex this was tbh). While getting his hair cut I guess the friend asked him how he was doing, and my bf found out that the friend and ex don’t talk/hang out anymore so he had to tell her they weren’t together anymore.
But it’s been stupid situations, plus many more but I don’t want to write a novel, like these that have gotten me to the point when we’re driving around town or go to a store/restaurant, I’m always feeling paranoid, even a little insecure, like he’s going to see an ex or family member of an ex. Especially the past 2 or 3 days in a row now, his exes have been brought up in situations like above. But now whenever his exes are brought up, it just honestly pisses me off and I shut down. I keep my mouth shut to not try and flip out or start an argument over it because it’s not like he can control where an ex lives, or seeing an ex in the store. But at the same time, it always reminds me of his past and how he’s had way more experience with other partners than I have and just reminds me of those experiences he’s had with them. And yes, I can admit it makes me insecure and question if he ever misses those experiences with them, like whenever he sees them maybe he thinks about them afterwards and misses them? Not romantically, just sexually maybe? Idk.
So long story short, how do I get over this problem/insecurity? How do I accept the fact that he’s going to see his exes in a small town like this and they’re going to continuously be brought up? How do I get myself to not get mad and jealous whenever he sees them/mentions them all the time?
Thank you in advance for any advice!
1 comment
My wife brings up her exes more often than I would like and in a similar fashion.
It’s good that you understand that he’s not being malicious or trying to poke you, but it’s just a side effect of living in a small town and his personality.
How I understand my wife is that she’s just being transparent and open about it as opposed to keeping it secret. What’s worst; mentioning you saw your ex at the grocery store or not mentioning it? If he doesn’t mention it and you guys see her together you might ask “how often do you see her here?” And his response will be “often”.
Would you feel good knowing he sees his exes often and doesn’t tell you?
It was a VERY good thing he told you his exes lived in an area where you’re looking to get a house. Imagine liking the house then buying it and finding out later. You probably wouldn’t be happy.
He’s just giving you a heads up so your not surprised. Also protecting himself so you can’t say “why didn’t you tell me… with your ex?”
This extends to not only boyfriend/girlfriend but same sex friends? IE. my good friend got a hair cut from one of my exes when he went to a new salon. I appreciated that he told me as it would be weird to find out later that he didn’t tell me.