We’ve been together for 10 years, no children of our own, though he has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship. We have a wonderful relationship, it’s the healthiest relationship we’ve both been in.
I’ll start by saying I’m concerned about his weight not because of sexual attraction, but because of his health. I’m very attracted to him as he is, I met him like this… but I worry about his health. We’re in our mid 30s, and I’m very aware health issues for both of us will start popping up with age. He already has some issues with his back and his feet, which are probably related to his weight.
I have great health and the way I see it is this: I don’t want to become a widow by 50. I am worried he’ll die young, though I don’t think he really cares about that, due to his spiritual beliefs (he’s a Buddhist so for him whenever he dies is just gonna be the way it should’ve been). I’ve tried talking to him about this, and he always just says he wants to lose weight, he tells me not to worry, or jokes about how I’ll still be young and hot by that time should I become a widow so I won’t have problems finding someone new.
Also, while I’m currently at a healthy weight, I’d like to become fitter, but this is difficult because he’ll often impulse buy treats or junk food for both of us. He doesn’t like eating junk on his own.
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I think he probably has a difficult relationship with food due to childhood trauma (parental neglect, he also had to take care of his younger siblings from a very young age). In a way, I think food is his love language. Also, he’s never been diagnosed, but I think he might have depression/ADHD, which also impacts how you relate to food and etc., etc. His family also don’t really care that much about eating healthy, so he wasn’t raised like that (I was).
He is quite muscular though… he can do a few pull-ups and push ups without assistance despite being obese. So massive respect to him, because I can’t even do one of either unassisted.
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He is quite short, and so it’s more difficult for him in general to lose weight. He dislikes doctors because every time he’s had to go, even if for just a cold, they’ll tell him to lose weight. So he says why go if they’ll just tell me I’m fat. I get it, I really do, but this just make things more difficult.
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He also told me he had an eating disorder in his teens. So that’s the only way he’s lost weight before, and I feel a bit weary about bringing up his weight and health because I know it’s an extremely sensitive topic for him.
But then I think, is it fair for me to have a husband who is not really thinking long term about his health, while I am? I wouldn’t like to leave him over this, but I also don’t want to watch him die early.
How can I address this without hurting him? i’ve told him time and time again we have to start eating healthier, start doing more exercise, and he says yeah sure, but nothing happens.
Have any of you had success in this area?
**TL;DR: My husband is obese and is not making an effort to lose weigh. He dislikes doctors so he won’t go. This is a very sensitive topic for him, and I don’t know how to approach it. I’m scared to lose him too early, I have no issues with sexual attraction, I’m just worried he’ll have an early death.**
3 comments
Honestly, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.. and from what it sounds like you’ve talked to your husband about this.. A LOT, and nothing’s changed. HE has to want to change. And considering he’s almost 40? Might be too late for that.
I think you need to sit him down and REALLY lay out all your concerns. You need to put your foot down. Make it clear that for this relationship to continue he needs to start putting in the work.. maybe the possibility of you leaving him will be the kick in the ass he needs. You need to make it abundantly clear this is a potential dealbreaker for you.
I think you also need to ask yourself a few things. How much longer are you willing to put up with this? If he does actually go through with it this time.. what are you going to do if he falls back into old habits?
As someone who has struggled with weight loss in the past, I can speak to this directly:
He will not do anything in order to change his eating and/or activity habits in order to lose weight, *ever*, until *he* is ready to make that decision.
No one else can make that decision *for* him, and when people try, there’s every likelihood that it will cause him to dig in his heels *more* and make it even less likely that he will decide to do so (or at least will delay him making the decision).
Since you say *this*:
> due to his spiritual beliefs (he’s a Buddhist
…it occurs to me that he has an attachment, either to food, or to something else (like stress) that causes him to *use* food.
So one path forward that *might* help him (and it’ll only work if he wants to work on it) is to work within the framework of his beliefs to find the attachment that is holding him back *so that he will feel free to make different decisions*.
But again, if you *push* him on it, he’ll likely push back and it will be counterproductive.
> though he says he wants to lose weight, he makes absolutely no effort
People’s words tell you who it is they want you to think they are. Their actions show you who it is that they actually are, who they *choose to be*.
So. He says that he wants to lose weight, because he believes that *you think he should*, and so he is saying so in order to put forward the appearance of the two of you being in agreement about it so that there is no strife between you.
But he doesn’t *actually* want to lose weight. If he did, he would be *doing* so. Or, at the very least, he would be putting effort *toward* doing so, even if he weren’t succeeding at it. Since he’s putting in no effort, that’s proof that he has no *motivation*.
You cannot make him change. He will only change if he wants to change. You cannot make him *want* to change. That has to come from within him, or it will never happen.
And in the case of a buddhist, it will never come from within him until he releases the attachment to whatever it is that is the root cause of this.
So my advice to you is to encourage him to explore his attachments. Not from a perspective of “So that you will let go of whatever is keeping you from losing weight”, but from a perspective of “exploring and growing on your spiritual path”; if he finds, on his own, the ability to release what he is attached to, then it’s possible that he will then *want* to change…
…and at that point he will start putting in *effort* to change, and you can be there to support that.
You’re not going to be able to find magic words to say this in a way that actually motivates him this time. If you raising your concern about becoming a widow didn’t do it, nothing will. He’s spent his whole life fending off people’s concerns about his weight — if anything, you continuing to bring this up might only be making things worse.
This is who he was when you started dating him. This is who he was when you married him. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that you are now in a position where you have to choose between divorce or likely being widowed young.
I’d say that only other thing you can try is to be a better environmental influence. Tell him that *you* want to be more fit. Suggest going for a walk or doing something active together whenever you’re deciding what to do. Start saying no to any junk food he wants you to eat. Start keeping healthier food around and suggesting it for meals/snacks. He might adopt some of your good habits if he doesn’t see it as you asking/pushing him to lose weight.